Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 17:47     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the current situation: MIL ruined a life cycle event for one of her daughters by canceling the celebration dinner that went with the event without telling the daughter first. Who was the first person she told after canceling the dinner? Me. I tell my DH who gets in touch with siblings about what the new plan is. SIL is shocked that Mil did this without running it past anyone first. SIL and siblings (including my DH) have it out with MIL. MIL then tells everyone that it was my fault -- that I misunderstood her when she called to tell me that she had canceled the dinner. Everyone knows that this isn't true but now she wants to "talk to me" to resolve our issues. We will all be together this weekend for the holiday. As much as all of the siblings would like to avoid her, we are all still getting together out of respect for our children continuing to have a relationship with the grandparents. MIL will at some point (likely when I'm leaving the bathroom or my DH is in it) corner me and tell me she "wants to talk." I would like a total shutdown comeback for this situation.

Have at it.


With this context, I really think you shouldn't shut it down. Let her say her peace, at the end of which you can say you understand that she's disappointed in how things unfolded, but she put you in a difficult situation and you had no choice but to let DH know about the cancellation and he had no choice but to let his sister know. If she's not happy with how the message was conveyed when passed through three parties, communicating directly with the effected party is the best way to avoid it from happening again. If she wants to have the last word, let her and then rejoin the family activity.


I agree. Since this involves a recent "miscommunication" between you and MIL (and not some random helpful hint), I would let her speak her peace.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 12:31     Subject: Re:I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Tell her that you're fine, you've already had "the talk"..... LOL
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 12:17     Subject: Re:I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
"We need to talk?! It sounds like you're about to break up with me! Next thing you know, you'll be saying "It's not you, it's me!" No worries - I accept it. Thanks for the talk!" (Then run away crying)
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:54     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is the current situation: MIL ruined a life cycle event for one of her daughters by canceling the celebration dinner that went with the event without telling the daughter first. Who was the first person she told after canceling the dinner? Me. I tell my DH who gets in touch with siblings about what the new plan is. SIL is shocked that Mil did this without running it past anyone first. SIL and siblings (including my DH) have it out with MIL. MIL then tells everyone that it was my fault -- that I misunderstood her when she called to tell me that she had canceled the dinner. Everyone knows that this isn't true but now she wants to "talk to me" to resolve our issues. We will all be together this weekend for the holiday. As much as all of the siblings would like to avoid her, we are all still getting together out of respect for our children continuing to have a relationship with the grandparents. MIL will at some point (likely when I'm leaving the bathroom or my DH is in it) corner me and tell me she "wants to talk." I would like a total shutdown comeback for this situation.

Have at it.


With this context, I really think you shouldn't shut it down. Let her say her peace, at the end of which you can say you understand that she's disappointed in how things unfolded, but she put you in a difficult situation and you had no choice but to let DH know about the cancellation and he had no choice but to let his sister know. If she's not happy with how the message was conveyed when passed through three parties, communicating directly with the effected party is the best way to avoid it from happening again. If she wants to have the last word, let her and then rejoin the family activity.


This, or tell her to put it in writing so you're sure to get it right this time.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:51     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP back. All of the above has been tried over the years. I really, really need a blunt snappy comeback. It's the only thing she will respond to and the one thing I can't come up with myself.

Anyone?


There is nothing that you can say. When you have said something your FIL zooms in and backs up MIL - with you the bad guy. It is actually very important that you not be "snappy" to your MIL.

The only thing that I might try is humor. When she says "Dear, we really must have a little talk" roll your eyes, laugh and good naturedly say loudly "Oh, no! Please don't tell me it's my turn to have the talk!." If the others in the room laugh it might be enough to diffuse the situation. But it could just as easily backfire Big Time and you could have everyone in the room hating you for causing a scene....you have to be a bit of a natural comedian (not just have a good sense of humor) to pull it off.

Otherwise, you either let her speak her mind and you suck it up and listen. Or you avoid her by getting a hotel and seeing her in public places.



We cross posted. You've nailed everything, including how she tries to make the inlaws the bad guys in any given situation. I agree that it is important to not be snappy and I haven't been up til now. But I think I need one this time and I love your suggestion about "the talk." Thanks.


Yes, you might use this, but it doesn't mean she isn't going to continue on with her "talk."
I'd just listen and paraphrase what she says back to her. Don't agree or argue. Just paraphrase.

MIL--I just want you to know that I never said that Larla's dinner was cancelled.
You--So you didn't cancel Larla's dinner. Okay.
MIL--I think you misunderstood what I was saying and then you told Fred.
You--So you think I didn't understand what you were trying to say. Is that what you mean?
MIL--Yes, and you really shouldn't have said anything to Fred.
You--And you think that it wasn't my place to say anything to my husband. Okay. Is that it?
MIL--Well, yes. For now.
You--Okay. I hear little Pierpont calling. I need to go see what he's up to. (walk away)

Keep your voice calm and simply paraphrase back with statements, not questions. No apology, no defensiveness, no questioning other than "Is that it?" Her "talk" will amount to her talking and you acknowledging that you understand what she's said. There's no agreement that what she has said is truthful--only that you understand what she is saying.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:47     Subject: Re:I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Why not be honest and tell her you can't stand her, eat her food, poop on her floor then leave ? That's what you really want to do.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:46     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:This is the current situation: MIL ruined a life cycle event for one of her daughters by canceling the celebration dinner that went with the event without telling the daughter first. Who was the first person she told after canceling the dinner? Me. I tell my DH who gets in touch with siblings about what the new plan is. SIL is shocked that Mil did this without running it past anyone first. SIL and siblings (including my DH) have it out with MIL. MIL then tells everyone that it was my fault -- that I misunderstood her when she called to tell me that she had canceled the dinner. Everyone knows that this isn't true but now she wants to "talk to me" to resolve our issues. We will all be together this weekend for the holiday. As much as all of the siblings would like to avoid her, we are all still getting together out of respect for our children continuing to have a relationship with the grandparents. MIL will at some point (likely when I'm leaving the bathroom or my DH is in it) corner me and tell me she "wants to talk." I would like a total shutdown comeback for this situation.

Have at it.


With this context, I really think you shouldn't shut it down. Let her say her peace, at the end of which you can say you understand that she's disappointed in how things unfolded, but she put you in a difficult situation and you had no choice but to let DH know about the cancellation and he had no choice but to let his sister know. If she's not happy with how the message was conveyed when passed through three parties, communicating directly with the effected party is the best way to avoid it from happening again. If she wants to have the last word, let her and then rejoin the family activity.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:43     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:"Mildred, I am certain that I didn't misunderstand you when you told me that you cancelled the dinner. But I understand that you'd like to smooth things over with your daughter so if you need to throw me under the bus, I'll take one for the team. I just don't want to talk about this any more."


I like this one too and can add that I sincerely hope the bus doesn't hit her while she's walking down the sidewalk.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:43     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:This is the current situation: MIL ruined a life cycle event for one of her daughters by canceling the celebration dinner that went with the event without telling the daughter first. Who was the first person she told after canceling the dinner? Me. I tell my DH who gets in touch with siblings about what the new plan is. SIL is shocked that Mil did this without running it past anyone first. SIL and siblings (including my DH) have it out with MIL. MIL then tells everyone that it was my fault -- that I misunderstood her when she called to tell me that she had canceled the dinner. Everyone knows that this isn't true but now she wants to "talk to me" to resolve our issues. We will all be together this weekend for the holiday. As much as all of the siblings would like to avoid her, we are all still getting together out of respect for our children continuing to have a relationship with the grandparents. MIL will at some point (likely when I'm leaving the bathroom or my DH is in it) corner me and tell me she "wants to talk." I would like a total shutdown comeback for this situation.

Have at it.


I still don't get why you can't just let her say what she wants to say and then just say sorry for any misunderstanding, but you thought she canceled the dinner and you simply were relaying the conversation to your DH. If everyone else knows what happened and knows the truth, then why do you care? If it's going to be over in 5 min and will make her feel better and then you can all be without this tension, then again, I say just humor her and then go on your merry way.

Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:41     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
"Mildred, I am certain that I didn't misunderstand you when you told me that you cancelled the dinner. But I understand that you'd like to smooth things over with your daughter so if you need to throw me under the bus, I'll take one for the team. I just don't want to talk about this any more."
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:40     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
If your FIL is lecturing you for being ungrateful when you say "no thanks" I don't see how using a snappy sarcastic quip to your MIL is going to make him react more positively. It seems like you need to get your DH's input here. You two should decide how to deal with this together. If it were me I would have my husband talk to his parents and tell them to quit lecturing you about your choices and quit calling you ungrateful.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:38     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP back. All of the above has been tried over the years. I really, really need a blunt snappy comeback. It's the only thing she will respond to and the one thing I can't come up with myself.

Anyone?


There is nothing that you can say. When you have said something your FIL zooms in and backs up MIL - with you the bad guy. It is actually very important that you not be "snappy" to your MIL.

The only thing that I might try is humor. When she says "Dear, we really must have a little talk" roll your eyes, laugh and good naturedly say loudly "Oh, no! Please don't tell me it's my turn to have the talk!." If the others in the room laugh it might be enough to diffuse the situation. But it could just as easily backfire Big Time and you could have everyone in the room hating you for causing a scene....you have to be a bit of a natural comedian (not just have a good sense of humor) to pull it off.

Otherwise, you either let her speak her mind and you suck it up and listen. Or you avoid her by getting a hotel and seeing her in public places.



We cross posted. You've nailed everything, including how she tries to make the inlaws the bad guys in any given situation. I agree that it is important to not be snappy and I haven't been up til now. But I think I need one this time and I love your suggestion about "the talk." Thanks.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:38     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
Anonymous wrote:OP back. All of the above has been tried over the years. I really, really need a blunt snappy comeback. It's the only thing she will respond to and the one thing I can't come up with myself.

Anyone?


"Let's not spoil an otherwise lovely day by talking about [insert topic.]"

"Jesus is the reason for the season."

"Excuse me. I have diarrhea."

Anonymous
Post 03/30/2015 11:35     Subject: I need a snappy comeback to MIL's insistent need to "have a talk" with me
This is the current situation: MIL ruined a life cycle event for one of her daughters by canceling the celebration dinner that went with the event without telling the daughter first. Who was the first person she told after canceling the dinner? Me. I tell my DH who gets in touch with siblings about what the new plan is. SIL is shocked that Mil did this without running it past anyone first. SIL and siblings (including my DH) have it out with MIL. MIL then tells everyone that it was my fault -- that I misunderstood her when she called to tell me that she had canceled the dinner. Everyone knows that this isn't true but now she wants to "talk to me" to resolve our issues. We will all be together this weekend for the holiday. As much as all of the siblings would like to avoid her, we are all still getting together out of respect for our children continuing to have a relationship with the grandparents. MIL will at some point (likely when I'm leaving the bathroom or my DH is in it) corner me and tell me she "wants to talk." I would like a total shutdown comeback for this situation.

Have at it.