Just the fact that you call him "clueless" instead of "asshole" (which he totally is) means you're an enabler. If you don't like his behavior, put on your big girl panties and spell it out. And quit having babies with this jerk

This is why I am single. I can't tolerate an a%$ like that.

[quote=Anonymous]Is your husband by chance from a culture where treating the female partner like a pack mule is normal and acceptable?

Also you say he was rude pre marriage, why did you marry him? Rich?[/quote]

OP, do you stay home? He might just see that you have established the kids and household as your domain and earning money and taking on mantle of breadwinner is his role. I assume you handle the kids fine every day and he figures why try to meddle with your process. Just like if you came to his office you wouldn't offer to type his memo for him.

Does he have a big job, while you had more arts/nonprofit job? You may not see this but work is very siloed and isolated in big law and such. They have minions for everything, and he is expected to focus on his domain to maximize productivity. Same idea when home, this is not his domain.

Anonymous wrote:My husband used to shave my legs for me when I was pregnant. He also went out of his way to not only carry any bags I might have but pack those bags with me after the kids came along.

Your husband is a straight up asshole.

Beta

Op DH is an alpha, that's why she married him and is actively working on having a 3rd kid every night.

Okay we've all established he's an asshole, but he's her asshole.

He's not going to offer his help but make a point of requesting what you need. If you make all your demands in the form of a question it's going to be hard for him to say no without feeling like the asshole that he is. As you're getting out of the car, "Hey babe, can you take the car seat?" Surely he won't say, "No" right? If he does, or makes a fuss, you can say "Fine, I'll take the baby but you need to hold older child's hand."

It's annoying to have to do this, but if you do it enough maybe the habit will settle in and he'll do it so he doesn't have to hear you ask.

Huh? The only time my husband lets me carry anything or anyone besides my purse is if he's not there with me or if the babies ask me to carry them. He does want to set a precedent of making my life easier.

I'm sorry your husband is such a prick, OP. I suggest therapy to find out why you thought you only deserved a man like this. Then I suggest couples therapy.

I've seen this a lot when I'm out. Mom pushing the stroller while trying to control the toddler; dad walking ahead or behind staring down at his phone, completely unengaged.

Your husband is not clueless - he is purposefully unhelpful. There is no way any decent man would refuse to help his 9 months pregnant wife with her shoes. My husband is almost annoying with it - if we are out with our kids he won't even let me push the stroller. Is he at least good in the sack? Is he wealthy? What do you get out of the arrangement?

Anonymous wrote:His response- "I don't want to set a bad precedent." I put the damn boots on myself by lying on the couch, thinking what a jerk he was.

Just a vent.

I've never hit anyone before but this made me want to sock this guy right in the face with your boot. WTF.

I'm curious why exactly did you marry this gem?

Anonymous wrote:That's not clueless. That just being a$$hole. Sorry you think it's ok, but your DH (as described) needs to grow up and do his freaking part.

Yea, my dh can be clueless - he'll take the bag, but not bother to check that it has the kids' sippy cups and snacks. And he never would have refused a direct request for help. I'd be furious if mine treated me the way yours does.

Does your DH do any of the child caring.. bath, bedtime, feeding, etc..? If not, then it's not being clueless. He just doesn't want to be "saddled" with any responsibilities dealing with kids. Did he even want children? Are you a SAHM, and he thinks all childcaring responsibilities fall on you, including caring a child to/from a place?

He "doesn't want to set a precedent", to me, sounds like "I want to make sure you do your share and don't rely on me". He sounds like someone who would nitpick as to who does how much childcaring, house work, etc..

Agree with other PPs, he's an asshole of the biggest ass!

My DH can be clueless, too, in many things, but he takes responsibility of the child directly behind him when getting in/out of the car without me having to tell him.

Anonymous wrote:My husband used to shave my legs for me when I was pregnant. He also went out of his way to not only carry any bags I might have but pack those bags with me after the kids came along.

Your husband is a straight up asshole.

Yup. My DH carries stuff for me when I'm NOT pregnant, and always notices when I'm struggling with something or need him to reach something or whatever.

Honestly it sounds like your husband doesn't like you.

Is your husband by chance from a culture where treating the female partner like a pack mule is normal and acceptable?

Also you say he was rude pre marriage, why did you marry him? Rich?

Anonymous wrote:Guy here, also father of two. Your DH is being an ass.

Father of 3 here. Op, your dh sucks.

He is a big jerk, but you are probably right that by this point, you're not going to change him. Do you plan to stay with him? His kids are going to see this behavior and think it is okay.