Anonymous wrote:OP here. He makes between $65k-$75k depending on overtime & possible bonus. I really think it's best for the kids if I am home. The kids are in school full day but there are holidays and summer break and such.

You have got to be kidding me.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am pretty far outside of DC city area. He is the one that wants a divorce & I just feel like the kids and I shouldn't have to change our situation because he wants to leave. I am not a troll just really wanting to continue staying at home with my kids.

If you really want to continue staying at home with your kids, don't get divorced. Suck it up and stay married.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am pretty far outside of DC city area. He is the one that wants a divorce & I just feel like the kids and I shouldn't have to change our situation because he wants to leave. I am not a troll just really wanting to continue staying at home with my kids.

Agree that the kids should not have to change their lives to the extent that is possible. You---so sorry. Your life is changing.

Look--do you really want to be financially dependent upon your ex for the next 10 years? What about the things in life that you might want? A new car, a vacation, health insurance, new clothes, a new roof for the house when it's time....where do you expect all of this money to come from on his $65-$75K---can I assume that is gross and not net?

And let's say this does happen---then where are you in 10 years? Are you planning to re-enter the workforce then? Will you start to build up your retirement in 10 years?

OP here. I am pretty far outside of DC city area. He is the one that wants a divorce & I just feel like the kids and I shouldn't have to change our situation because he wants to leave. I am not a troll just really wanting to continue staying at home with my kids.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He makes between $65k-$75k depending on overtime & possible bonus. I really think it's best for the kids if I am home. The kids are in school full day but there are holidays and summer break and such.

So how do you expect this to work? How much do you expect to need in order to be a SAHM? I can only imagine you live somewhere very far outside DC where COL is pennies, or you're a troll.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He makes between $65k-$75k depending on overtime & possible bonus. I really think it's best for the kids if I am home. The kids are in school full day but there are holidays and summer break and such.

Troll

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He makes between $65k-$75k depending on overtime & possible bonus. I really think it's best for the kids if I am home. The kids are in school full day but there are holidays and summer break and such.

You think it's best for the kids if you are "at home" all the way through high school? Seriously? I'm starting to think you are a troll, OP. Either that you are unbelievably naive and/or selfish.

Even if you and your husband agreed to the idea of having one parent at home with the kids, it makes far more sense for the person with the graduate degree who earned more money (you stated he only made 2/3rds of what you made) to be the one at home with the kids.

It sounds like you stayed at home because it's what you wanted. It sounds like you still want all decisions to be based around what YOU want. Guess what? I want a pony--doesn't mean I'm going to get one.
Get. A. Job.

Earlier PP gave a great summary of the concrete steps you need to be taking to prepare to reenter the work force and plan for child care.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He makes between $65k-$75k depending on overtime & possible bonus. I really think it's best for the kids if I am home. The kids are in school full day but there are holidays and summer break and such.

That is not enough to cover two households. Best isn't real life. Start looking.

OP here. He makes between $65k-$75k depending on overtime & possible bonus. I really think it's best for the kids if I am home. The kids are in school full day but there are holidays and summer break and such.

Leaving aside what a court might order, or how you're going to provide for your own retirement or create an emergency fund, how much does your non-college graduate ex make? Is it realistically enough for him to reasonably support himself in one household and fully support you and the kids in another without everyone eating cat food?

OP - You are not thinking straight. Whether you got divorced or not, it would have only made sense for you to go back to work to give you kids the chance to go to college and live a middle class life. You need to to talk to a financial counselor to get a realistic idea of what you will need to be earning over the next 30 years to have a decent retirement in your own right and to provide a reasonable income on which to run a household and raise your two sons with your EX paying the decided amount in child support. You have not been out of the job market that long so if you do get some alimony use it to do things which will make you job ready and perhaps set a timetable to be back working in six months or a year so you have a cushion if the job search takes longer. Depending upon your field take some classes, keep certifications current, rejoin professional associations, consider a return to part-time work as a first step back and start to network. You will also need to get used to setting up day care and/or before and after school care and summer child care. It might be important to remain on at least civil terms with the EX to try and figure out how custody should be handled best for the welfare of the kids. It sounds like you are putting "you" first in this divorce and actually it is what will be best for your "two children."

Anonymous wrote:I know this invites criticism but I want to know if I am being unrealistic. Married approx 10yrs, 2 kids under 10yrs old, I have graduate degree but been SAHM for 3 yrs, H didn't graduate college.. H makes about two thirds of what I used to make but we decided that we wanted a stay at home parent. Can I get alimony until kids go to college so I can SAH like we originally plannned?

You amy get alimony for 1 1/2 years tops. Long enough for you to re-establish your career. 3 years isn't that long of a stint home.

Too bad you aren't living in Florida. The courts still allow lifetime alimony. I have a friend who has been getting $2,800 a year for almost 10 years. She has a significant other, but they will never marry because she doesn't want to lose that alimony check. He also pays child support. It's a horrible situation. She had an affair. And he got screwed.

My DH divorced forever ago in Georgia. His ex got transitional alimony for two years. The judge lowered the child support amount and added alimony so that my DH wouldn't be paying both. When the two years were up, the child support increased to the presumptive amount. It didn't matter because we got custody of both kids just a few months later. They were 4 and 6. She ended up with nothing. The judge was very pro-father and really didn't like my DH's ex.

The message - Do not plan your life around alimony or child support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One additional note. Let's just say for the sake of argument you did get alimony. That would only last until the kids leave, and then what? You would have been out of the job market for years. You will find it incredibly difficult to find work.

+1. DH offered the deal you are looking for to his exWife. She has been out of the work force now for 20 years. The youngest goes to college in the fall. Job prospects are pretty low for a 50 yr old women who has not been employed for many years. The jobs that she can get require standing on her feet which as you get older is difficult. Add to that that because she was a divorced SAHM living on alimony, she has no retirement. Do not do this to yourself.

Were they married long enough for her to qualify for his Social Security?

Yes, but I think you have to reach 62 before you can claim retirement. That still leaves 12 years of struggling ahead for her.

Just being nosy, but if your oldest is around 10 and you've only been SAH for 3 years, what was the precipitating event that led you to SAH. Birth of the second child? If you had two under school age, I guess I could see the argument for SAH (although certainly you would be making well over whatever you would pay daycare or nanny), but if you have two in school, or a pretty close to that point, why would you want to stay home?