Anonymous wrote:BIL is graduating from med school. FIL and MIL are divorced. Have been divorced for the entire duration that I have known my husband so 10+ years. BIL attends med school near our home. MIL visits often but FIL lives overseas with his wife who happens to be my age. MIL thinks FIL cheated on her with his current wife so there was a lot of drama. MIL is still angry about this after 10+ years.

My children have only met their grandfather once and they were too young to remember. I would like to host FIL and his wife at our house. MIL comes to visit frequently. I thought MIL could stay in a hotel. Also trying to host a graduation party but not sure what to do with FIL's wife.

MIL will not be in the same room with FIL's wife. MIL does not mind if FIL is around.

Should we respect MIL's wishes and not have FIL's wife at our house? WWYD?

DH is just avoiding the subject.

Who, other than you, actually wants this party? If DH and his brother are not cooperating, maybe that's because they don't want the party and it isn't worth the hassle. Give up the fantasy of a big happy family. It's not what you have.

Anonymous wrote:BIL is graduating from med school. FIL and MIL are divorced. Have been divorced for the entire duration that I have known my husband so 10+ years. BIL attends med school near our home. MIL visits often but FIL lives overseas with his wife who happens to be my age. MIL thinks FIL cheated on her with his current wife so there was a lot of drama. MIL is still angry about this after 10+ years.

My children have only met their grandfather once and they were too young to remember. I would like to host FIL and his wife at our house. MIL comes to visit frequently. I thought MIL could stay in a hotel. Also trying to host a graduation party but not sure what to do with FIL's wife.

MIL will not be in the same room with FIL's wife. MIL does not mind if FIL is around.

Should we respect MIL's wishes and not have FIL's wife at our house? WWYD?

DH is just avoiding the subject.

Have them both stay at the hotel. It should be DH's call.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell MIL she is invited to the party but unfortunately we can't host her the weekend it's scheduled. I would not be sucked in to her drama. She is a grownup and the occasion is not about her. Grow up, Grandma.

+1. And I would host FIL + SMIL. In my mind those who travel from farthest away get the most accommodations.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's hysterically funny that the MIL will speak to the FIL, but not the new wife! Does she think the FIL was faultless? Whatever. Maybe you can work this out on the calendar. If the party is on a Saturday, MIL can visit a few days before the party and FIL plus new wife can stay at a hotel for the weekend and then, a few days with you after the party. I would also inform all of the people involved what the plan is. OP, you are a saint to make this all happen.

OP here. I think it bothers MIL greatly that FIL's new wife is the same age as her DIL. If he started dating her 10 years ago, she was in her mid 20's then.

I think it's hysterically funny that the MIL will speak to the FIL, but not the new wife! Does she think the FIL was faultless? Whatever. Maybe you can work this out on the calendar. If the party is on a Saturday, MIL can visit a few days before the party and FIL plus new wife can stay at a hotel for the weekend and then, a few days with you after the party. I would also inform all of the people involved what the plan is. OP, you are a saint to make this all happen.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL is graduating from med school. FIL and MIL are divorced. Have been divorced for the entire duration that I have known my husband so 10+ years. BIL attends med school near our home. MIL visits often but FIL lives overseas with his wife who happens to be my age. MIL thinks FIL cheated on her with his current wife so there was a lot of drama. MIL is still angry about this after 10+ years.

My children have only met their grandfather once and they were too young to remember. I would like to host FIL and his wife at our house. MIL comes to visit frequently. I thought MIL could stay in a hotel. Also trying to host a graduation party but not sure what to do with FIL's wife.

MIL will not be in the same room with FIL's wife. MIL does not mind if FIL is around.

Should we respect MIL's wishes and not have FIL's wife at our house? WWYD?

DH is just avoiding the subject.

Da Fuq?
DH does not have the option to ignore.
Bottom line, you invite who you want, it is a family event and everyone is family. If any of the parties declines to come, that is their option. Just make it clear that you are not engaging in back and forth, or in any drama. If folks cannot act like grownups, they can do it somewhere other than your home or at an event that you host.

OP here. DH has never hosted an event in his life. I will let them scramble amongst themselves. We will probably just eat wherever. There will be lots of arguing between MIL and FIL.

You need to refuse to play their reindeer games

MIL does not get to dictate that New Wife is not allowed anywhere. If she doesn't want to see New Wife, she can skip the party.

It's been 10 years, everyone needs to put on their big girl panties and grow the eff up. Including your DH who won't talk about it.

We deal with this too, but going on 30 years. We recently adopted a rule from a friend who has 2 sets of parents but they all get along wonderfully. If they have a big event and invite everyone, NO ONE stays at the house. In our case, we often pick up the tab for the one parent who doesn't have the disposable income to do it (we tell them we had a free night somewhere b/c of DH's travel points). However, if one comes early and stays for a few days, they can do it at my house. Just not the night or two that EVERYONE is around.

When I first broached the topic with all of my parents, I got a little static back. But after they let it sit for a day or two, I think they were good with it. And they've respected it and I don't get sick to my stomach every time I need to plan a big event.

Since your situation is different in that usually it's just MIL that comes, that's really tricky. And of course it not being your own mother, even harder. Still, I'd suggest they all stay separately but you block off some "special time" for FIL. Good luck OP, you're gonna need it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems kind of unfair that you would host absentee FIL and not your dedicated MIL who visits often.

That said, agree that you invite everyone and let them sort out whether to attend. Where they stay is a different question.

OP here. The first tackle is where is everyone staying. MIL always stays with us when she visits DH or BIL. She probably just expects to stay at our house again.

I don't understand why MIL wouldn't stay with you as she normally does and FIL can stay at a hotel. That seems like step one.

Because I want FIL to stay with us so he can spend time with his grandchildren. If MIL stays with us, FIL will stay clear away.

I think DH wants FIL to stay with us too but he does not want to upset his mom. DH and BIL have the tendency to just block them out. However, I am the one who is trying to host. I will be the one organizing graduation dinner and planning the party.

\

The best advice I have ever received is this: No one has ever died from being disappointed or upset.

Anonymous wrote:It is an ugly, ugly topic. I'd invite them all and let them sort it out. I wouldn't take that burden upon myself. I have a similar situation with my parents and I just invite everyone and they can either decline, work it out amongst themselves to negotiate times, or come and pretend the others don't exist.

Not your drama to take on. I know it's very hard not to worry about it, but trust me, as an inlaw, saying anything or trying to "talk to them" in advance and tell them to behave, or not inviting someone - it is just going to make you look like the bad guy. Invite all and truly let it go.

this.

my in laws are divorced and it's a nightmare. fil is very pleasant to her, but she will barely be in the same room as him. at our wedding she wouldn't stand up with us and my parents when we did the toast. my baby's first bday is coming up. she likes to do separate holidays, separate bday parties, even a separate wedding reception for us. i've already told my husband- i'm not doing separate bday parties for the baby. one event and one time. if she can't bear to be in the same room as fil, her loss.

Anonymous wrote:I would host MIL or no one. I would not all of the sudden ask MIL to stay in a hotel, when she's the one whose been there for your family all along. If FIIL doesn't come by to meet/see his grandchildren, then that's his problem. You don't try to manage HIS problem by alienating your MIL.

This. Do you really want him in your children's life if he doesn't care enough to put his own shit aside in order to spend time with them? I think you would be very very short-sighted to snub your MIL in this situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DH and his brother need to take more of a lead in this. Honestly, if your MIL usually stays with you, then let her do that. To change up now to someone she hates would seem like a slap in the face, even tho that is not your intention. Your kids can go see gramps at the hotel, seriously, it's not rocket science on that one.

Yes. It's one thing (a good thing) to invite FIL and wife to the celebration. But if MIL always stays with you and this time you evict her in favor of FIL, it's going to make a tricky situation 1000% worse.

And I agree that your husband should be handling the discussions, even if you are the "host" (doesn't the home belong to both of you?). It's his family.

If you get BIL to deal with at least the initial "who will stay where" part of things, think what a favor you are doing for BIL's future spouse.

I would tell MIL she is invited to the party but unfortunately we can't host her the weekend it's scheduled. I would not be sucked in to her drama. She is a grownup and the occasion is not about her. Grow up, Grandma.

I would host MIL or no one. I would not all of the sudden ask MIL to stay in a hotel, when she's the one whose been there for your family all along. If FIIL doesn't come by to meet/see his grandchildren, then that's his problem. You don't try to manage HIS problem by alienating your MIL.