There's more to the story that OP isn't telling.

From his comment, it sounds like he wanted to just do a vacation with the parents *without* the sister.

Perhaps he feels like OP gets a lot of time with the parents, a lot of one-on-one time. And he just wants a little one-on-one time with the parents without having to coordinate with the sister.

OP, I would tell your parents, "How about you plan something with just him and his family." Let him have some alone time with your parents so that they can bond with his kids without you there.

You are not a bad sister or person. I was in the same situation, though, as your brother. My sister lived near my parents and my mother was at her house 4-5 times per week helping out with kids or laundry or whatever. Every vacation day my DH and I used for the first 6 years we had kids was either to visit my family or his family. All the cousins are the same ages. Naturally, my mom would gravitate towards helping take care of my sister's kids because that was the norm. When we visited DH's family, the same would happen with his sister's kids.

It is exhausting to go on "vacation" with young kids. But it was off-putting watching the grandmothers basically acting as the nanny for my sister and SILs kids (MIL actually kept my SIL's kids in her room at her house when we visited so SIL could get a good night's rest). As much as I wanted to build a relationship w/cousins and grandparents, we were the ones traveling to see everyone. It would've been nice if DH and I could've gotten a bit of the help sister and SIL were so accustomed to. When I mentioned this to my sister she was really defensive and couldn't see my point-of-view AT ALL.

I get that it was our choice to move away and raise kids w/out the help of family nearby. But every joint family vacation plan, or holiday, was based on my sister's or SILs needs/desires. One time the summer holiday beach vacation was scheduled around my SIL's nanny share family's summer vacation. She didn't want to fly somewhere with just her DH and her grandparents to help - she had to bring her nanny which she shared with another family (she doesn't work btw). I finally realized that they were all so involved with each other because of their close proximity that they couldn't see beyond sister/SIL's needs. We cutback on the visits, once per year, and started taking our own family vacations. So much better!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he and his wife handle 2 kids?

Why can't OP handle one 5 year old? Her brother is traveling a longer distance and with a baby.

+1. Also, this "My mother told me to ignore him because he's tired with a new baby" makes it sound like OP went running to her mother after the phone call with her brother.

And, although this seems more a beef with the parents, I'd be put out if my parents booked a trip with my brother and his child, even if it was intended that I'd be added later with my child, unless the last message was "we're booking the tickets today for X date unless we hear otherwise from you by noon."

GROW
UP

ITA your mom sounds dismissive of your brother. Does MIL not like the DIL? Curious.

Also, who are these grandparents who are springing for the whole family's overseas vacation? I want in. I'll trade you beach week from hell in a too small rental unit, on the highway, with a lovely view of three parking lots on the other sides. Sold?

Even if you thought it was best for your parents to fly with your brother instead of you, if they had to choose and couldn't get everyone on the same flight - your parents are the ones booking and paying for the trip. This is their gift. You didn't lobby them to schedule with you first. They asked your brother for dates, he wasn't able to provide them at the time, and they went ahead with the info they had. If your brother has beef with that, that beef is with his parents, not with you. If he feels this in unfair favoritism, they should be upset with the people showing favoritism, not the favorite. You didn't say "take me! take me! forget my brother!" - your parents made a call on how to use their money. That's their call and I don't think your brother is justified in being upset with how that gift is being given, but regardless, his grievance should be filed with your parents. It wasn't your call.

I think he's tired and cranky from being sleep deprived. I'd let it go and if he brings it up again tell him to talk to your mother. It sounds like you all communicate and you really don't seem dysfunctional.

Anonymous wrote:Here's what it may look like from his end:
My sister is closer to mom than I am and mom has always been around to help with her kid, but now that I've tot kids, she less excited and less involved. She and sister judge my wife and exclude us from planning because they just decide what works for them and invite us along on their plans. They planned a big family trip, including an overseas flight while we are still adjusting to an infant, so now my kids either miss out on time with their grandparents, my family misses out on a free European vacation and I get labeled a troublemaker, or I have to schlep my two kids, including an infant on first a cross-country and then an overseas flight. And to top it all off, they arbitrarily decided on a cut-off day for choosing dates without telling me and booked flights without giving me the time ai needed to clear our schedules, so now my sister has herself, her husband and our parents to help with her elementaryschooler, but wife and I have to handle our two kids (including an infant!) alone!

And I am a big freaking baby
You forgot that part

Concur with the Brother's point of view (imaginary though it may be, it's probably not far from the truth), and let me add that I've read the SIL's point of view MANY times on these boards!

Title of post:
Favoritism from MIL
Text:
Wondering what to do, if anything, and how to get over the hurt. I've done my best over the years to get along with my rather overbearing MIL and SIL, particularly as MIL is quite generous. However I can't bear her favoritism of her daughter and her daughter's child anymore, over my husband and our children. They live close to her and basically use her like a free babysitter, we live far away and my children don't have that loving relationship I would have wanted with their Grandma. MIL is constantly making plans with her daughter, includes us at the last minute and then we either have to scramble or look like ungrateful idiots. I tend to worry and get anxious about things, plus I've just had a baby and can't handle this new international trip they've been planning. It seems like such a wonderful opportunity yet I know we'll be second fiddle everywhere and be constantly compared to perfect SIL with her one perfect child. Ugh. Help, DCUM?

A little introspection is in order, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Here's what it may look like from his end:
My sister is closer to mom than I am and mom has always been around to help with her kid, but now that I've tot kids, she less excited and less involved. She and sister judge my wife and exclude us from planning because they just decide what works for them and invite us along on their plans. They planned a big family trip, including an overseas flight while we are still adjusting to an infant, so now my kids either miss out on time with their grandparents, my family misses out on a free European vacation and I get labeled a troublemaker, or I have to schlep my two kids, including an infant on first a cross-country and then an overseas flight. And to top it all off, they arbitrarily decided on a cut-off day for choosing dates without telling me and booked flights without giving me the time ai needed to clear our schedules, so now my sister has herself, her husband and our parents to help with her elementaryschooler, but wife and I have to handle our two kids (including an infant!) alone!

I think some of the information is missing. Brother has two parents to handle two kids. Your husband isn't going so it's only yourself. Was brother consulted on location (ie did he want something closer to him that didn't involve as many flights)? Do your parents go out there to help when their babies are born? Sometimes I find parents help at births for their daughters more than their sons. I suspect there is some back story here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's what it may look like from his end:
My sister is closer to mom than I am and mom has always been around to help with her kid, but now that I've tot kids, she less excited and less involved. She and sister judge my wife and exclude us from planning because they just decide what works for them and invite us along on their plans. They planned a big family trip, including an overseas flight while we are still adjusting to an infant, so now my kids either miss out on time with their grandparents, my family misses out on a free European vacation and I get labeled a troublemaker, or I have to schlep my two kids, including an infant on first a cross-country and then an overseas flight. And to top it all off, they arbitrarily decided on a cut-off day for choosing dates without telling me and booked flights without giving me the time ai needed to clear our schedules, so now my sister has herself, her husband and our parents to help with her elementaryschooler, but wife and I have to handle our two kids (including an infant!) alone!

This.

Yup. And your inability to see it this way makes me wonder if your brother may be right about you (and your mom sounds pretty dismissive of him)

Anonymous wrote:Here's what it may look like from his end:
My sister is closer to mom than I am and mom has always been around to help with her kid, but now that I've tot kids, she less excited and less involved. She and sister judge my wife and exclude us from planning because they just decide what works for them and invite us along on their plans. They planned a big family trip, including an overseas flight while we are still adjusting to an infant, so now my kids either miss out on time with their grandparents, my family misses out on a free European vacation and I get labeled a troublemaker, or I have to schlep my two kids, including an infant on first a cross-country and then an overseas flight. And to top it all off, they arbitrarily decided on a cut-off day for choosing dates without telling me and booked flights without giving me the time ai needed to clear our schedules, so now my sister has herself, her husband and our parents to help with her elementaryschooler, but wife and I have to handle our two kids (including an infant!) alone!

This.

I would try to talk to your brother AND his wife. It could be there is a little resentment whether deserved or not. Please try to be gracious and, if you can, let your brother "win" this one. You have no idea what your parents have actually said to him or he in return. It could be the parents are using you as leverage and pulling the purse strings routine on him. It could be your brother and his wife feel disconnected and want some sign that their opinions matter. You won't know until you talk. I really don't envy you. I've been on those family trips and they were nightmares. Mostly because of the parents.

Here's what it may look like from his end:
My sister is closer to mom than I am and mom has always been around to help with her kid, but now that I've tot kids, she less excited and less involved. She and sister judge my wife and exclude us from planning because they just decide what works for them and invite us along on their plans. They planned a big family trip, including an overseas flight while we are still adjusting to an infant, so now my kids either miss out on time with their grandparents, my family misses out on a free European vacation and I get labeled a troublemaker, or I have to schlep my two kids, including an infant on first a cross-country and then an overseas flight. And to top it all off, they arbitrarily decided on a cut-off day for choosing dates without telling me and booked flights without giving me the time ai needed to clear our schedules, so now my sister has herself, her husband and our parents to help with her elementaryschooler, but wife and I have to handle our two kids (including an infant!) alone!

Hurt feelings aren't always logical, OP. If it was me I'd empathize with him over feeling slighted. Once he feels heard, he's a lot more likely to be reasonable about the travel plans.

But I do agree though with a PP who said it would have been nice if your folks had said "we're booking tickets tomorrow for X date unless we hear otherwise from you" instead of just doing it.

Hopefully people can move forward from it so you all can have a good time on what sounds like a special trip!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't he and his wife handle 2 kids?

Why can't OP handle one 5 year old? Her brother is traveling a longer distance and with a baby.

+1. Also, this "My mother told me to ignore him because he's tired with a new baby" makes it sound like OP went running to her mother after the phone call with her brother.

And, although this seems more a beef with the parents, I'd be put out if my parents booked a trip with my brother and his child, even if it was intended that I'd be added later with my child, unless the last message was "we're booking the tickets today for X date unless we hear otherwise from you by noon."