Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:56     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB WITHOUT SOME SORT OF POST-NUP! I speak from experience as a SAHM mom of 10 years going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage. My skills are out of date, I can't find a job, I am the sole custodial parent. Trying to juggle kids and activities and a full-time job is nearly impossible.

The courts do not give alimony much anymore and provide NO/NADA/ZILCH/ZERO credit to you for your work at home and the sacrifice you made in your career trajectory by leaving your career to raise the kids. So if you ever get divorced, you will get just a couple years alimony and then have to support yourself.

That being said, I loved being at home with my kids. It was wonderful and despite everything, I don't regret it. I just wish I knew then what would happen if we divorced (ex was having affairs with hookers). I would have kept working at least part-time to stay more current and keep myself employable if I knew then what I know now.

In terms of a post-nup, I would ask for at least one year of alimony for each year you stay home AND permanent alimony of at least 50K a year (so that even if your job is not as lucrative as it was, you can still make ends meet and have a slightly better lifestyle than your current salary). And, since this is not really reality (even though I would love it to be), I'd have a cheating clause added in. If he cheats you get permanent alimony of X% of his income.

Alright, I am jumping off my bitter divorced lady soap box and heading out to pick up the kids. If you think you'd like staying at home with your kids, do it! It's the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life.


This is good advice. We're actually doing a thing where my DH compensates me for my SAHM services. No actual post-nup but a record of my work through a monthly check that I get. The check goes into the family pot, but it's still a paper trail of earning. Also I think he takes me for granted less.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:52     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:If by "sit back and relax" you mean abdicate your own responsibility to another adult, then sure, quit your job, be completely dependent on your DH for money and just hope he never leaves you.


+1
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:52     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:Not sure if this belongs here or money and finances...I got married last year and we have a baby on the way. My DH make low mid-6 figures. We have our nanny lined up. He thinks I should quit my job and sit back and relax to enjoy motherhood. My job is a lawyer at a non-profit and is enjoyable but not financially lucrative. He basically wants me to be a SAHM but we will have a nanny and a housekeeper. I would cook and of course be mom. I enjoy cooking and baking specifically and DH is open to me starting a cupcake cafe. I'm not sure I'm the sit back and not work type. How do I get used to enjoying it more? Even the cafe sounds like a mcguffin to "entertain" me if I get bored. Is it ok to sit back and relax? Anyone BTDT where you were once a hard charging career woman and then you pull over the side of the road to enjoy the view?


Unless you have a trust fund, I don't see how your DH's plan will be financed.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:47     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything about yourself. Do you like your job? Are you looking for a huge life change?

SAHM means being the default parent. Instead of working, you would manage the nanny and housekeeper, take care of all doctor's appointments, buy groceries, cook meals, do all the night time feedings, run errands, pay bills, and be the default person for basically everything household related. Car maintenance, handymen, carpet cleaning, light bulb changing, etc.

can you see why your husband is pushing you into this role?


Husband says it be less stressful for me and that willl translate to more time to spend together as a couple


Well... also think about what he will expect from you. He may imagine you will do a lot of personal assistant-y type stuff to reduce stress on him. One of the reasons I went back to work was that I got sick of my DH dumping every little admin task on me-- it was boring, and not what I quit my job to do.


Yes I currently act as the chauffeur (do all the driving) and all the cooking. With the baby it will only increase. I can try it out and like a pp said, I still have my education and work experience.


There might be a lot more than you realize. Your DH is probably taking care of a lot of his own stuff now that you don't even notice, and he may expect you to pick up that load. All these little things add up and take away from the time that you were theoretically getting to spend with your child.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:46     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB WITHOUT SOME SORT OF POST-NUP! I speak from experience as a SAHM mom of 10 years going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage. My skills are out of date, I can't find a job, I am the sole custodial parent. Trying to juggle kids and activities and a full-time job is nearly impossible.

The courts do not give alimony much anymore and provide NO/NADA/ZILCH/ZERO credit to you for your work at home and the sacrifice you made in your career trajectory by leaving your career to raise the kids. So if you ever get divorced, you will get just a couple years alimony and then have to support yourself.

That being said, I loved being at home with my kids. It was wonderful and despite everything, I don't regret it. I just wish I knew then what would happen if we divorced (ex was having affairs with hookers). I would have kept working at least part-time to stay more current and keep myself employable if I knew then what I know now.

In terms of a post-nup, I would ask for at least one year of alimony for each year you stay home AND permanent alimony of at least 50K a year (so that even if your job is not as lucrative as it was, you can still make ends meet and have a slightly better lifestyle than your current salary). And, since this is not really reality (even though I would love it to be), I'd have a cheating clause added in. If he cheats you get permanent alimony of X% of his income.

Alright, I am jumping off my bitter divorced lady soap box and heading out to pick up the kids. If you think you'd like staying at home with your kids, do it! It's the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:14     Subject: Re:Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Giving up your career is not a good idea. As a PP said, you will be totally financially dependent on your DH. That has an effect on the relationship. Maybe if this were baby #4 and you had a low paying job I'd feel differently. Maybe you're attracted to the status of being a "kept" baby-making machine. But it doesn't sound terribly exciting to me and the idea that you'll launch a business in the first few months of your first child's life sounds far-fetched -- plus, given your financial dependence, you'd need DH to sign off on it. I vote overwhelmingly that you continue to work as an attorney.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 14:00     Subject: Re:Is it ok to sit back and relax?

Some women who have quit their jobs to be a SAHM, transfer their organizational skills and establish efficient routines for cooking, chauffeuring, bill paying, etc. yet still enjoy the more leisurely pace of doing these types of things from home base.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 13:37     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything about yourself. Do you like your job? Are you looking for a huge life change?

SAHM means being the default parent. Instead of working, you would manage the nanny and housekeeper, take care of all doctor's appointments, buy groceries, cook meals, do all the night time feedings, run errands, pay bills, and be the default person for basically everything household related. Car maintenance, handymen, carpet cleaning, light bulb changing, etc.

can you see why your husband is pushing you into this role?


Husband says it be less stressful for me and that willl translate to more time to spend together as a couple


Well... also think about what he will expect from you. He may imagine you will do a lot of personal assistant-y type stuff to reduce stress on him. One of the reasons I went back to work was that I got sick of my DH dumping every little admin task on me-- it was boring, and not what I quit my job to do.


Yes I currently act as the chauffeur (do all the driving) and all the cooking. With the baby it will only increase. I can try it out and like a pp said, I still have my education and work experience.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 13:30     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything about yourself. Do you like your job? Are you looking for a huge life change?

SAHM means being the default parent. Instead of working, you would manage the nanny and housekeeper, take care of all doctor's appointments, buy groceries, cook meals, do all the night time feedings, run errands, pay bills, and be the default person for basically everything household related. Car maintenance, handymen, carpet cleaning, light bulb changing, etc.

can you see why your husband is pushing you into this role?


Husband says it be less stressful for me and that willl translate to more time to spend together as a couple


Well... also think about what he will expect from you. He may imagine you will do a lot of personal assistant-y type stuff to reduce stress on him. One of the reasons I went back to work was that I got sick of my DH dumping every little admin task on me-- it was boring, and not what I quit my job to do.

Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 13:21     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
It's a troll post. I'm sure OP has spent too much time on the "Mommy War" thread. None of this makes sense....but nice try OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 13:17     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hahaha! Sit back and relax are not compatible with raising small children.


Good point. I know what you mean. This will be our only child, and we'll have the nanny and retain the housekeeper. Besides trying to be the best mom and make dinner, I realize I will have a lot of support with raising the kid and our household.


yes, we got that. Is this a troll post and you just want to make sure everyone knows that you'll have all this help and want to SAH? I'm glad no one is taking the bite OP
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 13:15     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything about yourself. Do you like your job? Are you looking for a huge life change?

SAHM means being the default parent. Instead of working, you would manage the nanny and housekeeper, take care of all doctor's appointments, buy groceries, cook meals, do all the night time feedings, run errands, pay bills, and be the default person for basically everything household related. Car maintenance, handymen, carpet cleaning, light bulb changing, etc.

can you see why your husband is pushing you into this role?

Someone still has to do those tasks. You might as well have someone that can do them and not have to worry about a FT job.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 13:12     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You haven't said anything about yourself. Do you like your job? Are you looking for a huge life change?

SAHM means being the default parent. Instead of working, you would manage the nanny and housekeeper, take care of all doctor's appointments, buy groceries, cook meals, do all the night time feedings, run errands, pay bills, and be the default person for basically everything household related. Car maintenance, handymen, carpet cleaning, light bulb changing, etc.

can you see why your husband is pushing you into this role?


Husband says it be less stressful for me and that willl translate to more time to spend together as a couple


Go for it! Your husband is very practical. You have a very unique setup here and can afford to experiment with a few things that might interest you even if it is not the cupcake cafe. You've got education to fall back on and could return to a new gig later.

You don't sound like the type that would get bored, since in addition to parenting, it sounds like your DH would enjoy doing more couple activities while supporting your individual interests. Don't sweat it.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 11:55     Subject: Re:Is it ok to sit back and relax?
I had the same option, but couldn't imagine it. In our case, my DH would rather I kept working, but would have supported me either way. Now that my youngest is 13, I'm very happy that I didn't SAH. I agree with the posters who say wait and see what you feel like a few months after the baby arrives.
Anonymous
Post 03/24/2015 10:47     Subject: Is it ok to sit back and relax?
If by "sit back and relax" you mean abdicate your own responsibility to another adult, then sure, quit your job, be completely dependent on your DH for money and just hope he never leaves you.