I get really annoyed with milquetoast posts like this. If you so uninfluential with your kids that your mother (or MIL) can 'turn them into' something, you don't deserve to be called a parent. You get to choose how your kids are raised. If you don't make a choice, someone else will.

Anonymous wrote:You are so right.

I let the ice cream thing go today because I didn't want to make an issue and ruin the birthday party

You're going to have to bite the bullet and politely confront your mother. She'll throw a big fit, but that is NOT your problem. Set you boundaries and politely defend them, even if it your Mom loses her shit about it.

Anonymous wrote:Listen, this is about NOW. This is not about then.

You have 100% control now.

Whatever you says goes, YOU are the Mom....

Take the affect/hurt/emotion out of it, and parent this. Make sure your DD knows you are in charge.

Good luck....and sorry this is difficult. But this is about NOW....

You're not wrong, BUT.... (big "BUT") when a parent is a narcissist like OP's mom it is common for them to create Golden Child and Scape Goat roles for their kids. OP isn't wrong to fear her mother turning her child into a Golden Child.

Anonymous wrote:I think we need more examples other than the ice cream.

And I say this as the unfavored child in the family. I believe you that the pattern exists, but if you are mad about the ice cream example, you are probably over focusing on this.

+1 I don't quite get what's wrong with ice-cream being served at the party. Are the hosts lactose-intolerant? If not, why not have ice-cream? Those who don't like it, don't have to have it. (I assume there was other stuff to eat.)

Anonymous wrote:No advice but they don't like ice cream? That's as sad as not liking chocolate

I had the same reaction!

I think it's fine you let it go today, OP. Ice cream at a party isn't going to turn your DD into a princess and it's not the battle to pick. I think that you have far more influence over your DD than your mom, and how you choose to parent your DD will eclipse everything else. If she's not spoiled in your household, she'll come to recognize that grandma spoils her but in the context of the grandparent/grandchild relationship, it won't be a big deal. My grandparents let me have candy and sweets - I loved it but it was a special treat at their house, not something I experienced on a regular basis - my mom's rules guided my every day life. I realize that's a very superficial example but the bottom line is that your DD doesn't have the same history with your mom, and none of the baggage because she's being raised in a different household, with you as her mom.

All that being said, if the other grandkids are noticing favoritism and it's blatant, I would take whatever steps you can to decrease the impact or prevent the behavior, if at all possible.

Ice cream and cake go together. Why shouldn't there be ice cream at a birthday party? Also, maybe your mother is trying to make up for how she treated your sister better when you were kids, by now going out of her way with your daughter.