Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 11:19     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
OP, you don't get to decide how people you are not married to spend their time.

Either you have that kind of relationship with your BIL or you don't. It sounds like you don't. Do you do stuff for him and support him in his projects? Sounds like no.

Also, it's mean of you to resent the fact that now he comes around to spend time with his formerly deployed brother. Maybe he missed his brother. It's nice that they enjoy spending time together.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 11:13     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.



Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.

Agree. We're retired military. I wish my ILs would have helped when they said they would when my husband was deployed for 15 months. I didn't expect them to clean the gutters or babysit - but there was one week I asked for their help and they said no. They had "offered" many times - anytime you need something, let us know... I had never asked for their help before and when I finally did after my husband had been gone a year the answer was no. I had to let it go.
Fwiw, OP, your BIL probably had no idea how to help, or what you needed, and was probably uncomfortable for whatever reason. Learn that many people offer but few actually help outside those that have been through deployments and understand.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 11:09     Subject: Re:Local family not helping when DH was deployed
OP, I get it. When my husband was deployed, my OWN brother was completely unhelpful. I knew he would never think to offer help on his own, but he wasn't even that helpful if I had very specific requests; i.e. can you tell me a day when you could watch the kids for a few hours so I can get a haircut and go grocery shopping. Eventually it wasn't worth the hassle. Wonderful friends did much more for us that year, like taking us all out to cut down a Christmas tree and helping me get it up, etc.

Yes, the military is a life you choose, but we all exist in a community where it is better to help each other than to have to struggle through on one's own. I have had plenty of chances to help our friends out with their own stuff and always am happy to do so.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 11:03     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
My husband warned me that being in Grad school would be like living through a divorce. I'm not sure those who haven't been through it understand the time commitment. It may be that BIL had good intentions but little available time. The fact that he visits now could just be an indication that he has more time as there are several phases of Grad school. Still military families I've known tend to rely on each other for help as there is a strong network well developed for deployments. I also think it's awkward for a BIL to step into a man of the house role for his brother. I could see asking the parents of each to help though.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 11:03     Subject: Re:Local family not helping when DH was deployed
Anonymous[b wrote:]It's not your BIL's job to take care of you or your kids[/b]. If he is in grad school, he is pretty busy himself.

You and your DH need to figure out how to take care of your family on your own.

That being said, BIL would have likely helped out more if you were the one deployed and his brother was at home taking care of two kids.


I don't think OP needed BIL to take care of her and her kids. Sounded like she may have needed occasional support of some type, to which BIL would be suited.

Army wife here, whose DH deployed when our DCs were babies.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:56     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
Anonymous wrote:OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.



Uh, no. A lot of us are military or former military. Nobody likes a whiner.

Also: due to the dislike. Not do to.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:55     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't get some of the PPs. The BIL should have stepped up and appeared once in a while to lend a hand, even if just to play with his niece/nephew for a while. He obviously has the time, if he's able to be there now.

OP, what does your husband say about it? Maybe at some point you're just going to have to get it off your chest and tell BIL, "you know, it was really disappointing when you never came to lend a hand while Larlo was deployed. It was very tough on the three of us, and some family support would have meant a lot." Then you'll have to figure out a way to drop it. Know that you can't count on BIL, and don't go out of your way to do stuff for him. Your husband appears to value the relationship, so look at it as something you do for him.


+1000. I'm a civilian living in a military community and I see how hard it is for deployed spouses who have children. Those of you attacking OP, you all have no idea (and neither do I in practice, but more than you trolls simply because I'm friends with some of these women). Until you've walked a mile in OP's shoes...

I agree, OP, BIL should have lent a hand and you need to explain your feelings (calmly) to your husband and to BIL. Not in a barn-burning sort of way, though. Hopefully he'll step up next time - maybe he had his reasons?


Please. I've been a military spouse with a deployed husband. It's less difficult than it is to be a single mother. You're still getting your DH's paycheck, access to all things military, and you get a lot of support from the community and the military, especially if you ask.

--walked more than a mile in those shoes.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:53     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
OP that sucks. You probably won't get much support here do to the dislike of the military on this board. Talk to your husband your feelings are valid. I would be annoyed by his constant presence. He sounds young not selfish but you need to communicate. When people offer to help give them specific tasks.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:53     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't get some of the PPs. The BIL should have stepped up and appeared once in a while to lend a hand, even if just to play with his niece/nephew for a while. He obviously has the time, if he's able to be there now.

OP, what does your husband say about it? Maybe at some point you're just going to have to get it off your chest and tell BIL, "you know, it was really disappointing when you never came to lend a hand while Larlo was deployed. It was very tough on the three of us, and some family support would have meant a lot." Then you'll have to figure out a way to drop it. Know that you can't count on BIL, and don't go out of your way to do stuff for him. Your husband appears to value the relationship, so look at it as something you do for him.


Maybe the BIL just really doesn't like OP.




Oh, christ. What on earth does THAT have to do with anything? Adults show know better - and do as we tell our kids - "You don't have to LIKE (name here), but you do have to be nice." Grow up and stop acting like a spoiled child, PP.

As for OP, BIL does not owe you anything. But that has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not anyone likes anyone.



NP here. It has a lot to do with it. He can be polite and civil to her, and even nice without liking her. But that's a far cry from going to hang out with her when his brother isn't around if he doesn't like her. She may not be particularly nice or warm to him, either. Or she might be. We don't know. There may a huge difference in age and interests. Or not. She may have been unclear about what she wanted from him. Certainly she was unclear here on the matter.

But as PPs stated, he certainly didn't owe it to her.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:44     Subject: Re:Local family not helping when DH was deployed
It's not your BIL's job to take care of you or your kids. If he is in grad school, he is pretty busy himself.

You and your DH need to figure out how to take care of your family on your own.

That being said, BIL would have likely helped out more if you were the one deployed and his brother was at home taking care of two kids.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:38     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
My father was military and overseas many, many times and there were five kids. I was born when he was on a 2nd tour in Viet Nam. My mother had her sister come to help for a week, came home and took care of us when sister left. Both she and my father knew, and accepted, his absence as a part of the life they chose.

Grow some balls, OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:27     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
If there was an emergency and you needed him (can you meet me at the ER and take kid A home while I hold kid B down for stitches? etc) and he wasn't there for you for no good reason, I think you have a legit grievance.

What kind of help did you need?
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:25     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
Anonymous wrote:Wow. I don't get some of the PPs. The BIL should have stepped up and appeared once in a while to lend a hand, even if just to play with his niece/nephew for a while. He obviously has the time, if he's able to be there now.

OP, what does your husband say about it? Maybe at some point you're just going to have to get it off your chest and tell BIL, "you know, it was really disappointing when you never came to lend a hand while Larlo was deployed. It was very tough on the three of us, and some family support would have meant a lot." Then you'll have to figure out a way to drop it. Know that you can't count on BIL, and don't go out of your way to do stuff for him. Your husband appears to value the relationship, so look at it as something you do for him.


+1000. I'm a civilian living in a military community and I see how hard it is for deployed spouses who have children. Those of you attacking OP, you all have no idea (and neither do I in practice, but more than you trolls simply because I'm friends with some of these women). Until you've walked a mile in OP's shoes...

I agree, OP, BIL should have lent a hand and you need to explain your feelings (calmly) to your husband and to BIL. Not in a barn-burning sort of way, though. Hopefully he'll step up next time - maybe he had his reasons?
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:25     Subject: Re:Local family not helping when DH was deployed
OP, have you discussed this with your DH? Does he know that your BIL did not help out when asked? This is something/conversation your DH needs to discuss with you and then discusss with BIL. Did you keep it from your DH that BIL didn't step up?

Usually the best approach is to have the spouse deal with his family/you deal with your family.
Anonymous
Post 03/22/2015 10:25     Subject: Local family not helping when DH was deployed
While I agree that BIL didn't have to help you, it's pretty ballsy of him to come around now and waste your DH's time (I have a BIL like this too so I get it...he comes over and suddenly it's time for them to crack open some beers and watch sports. Guess who gets to feed the kids dinner, do bath time, and out them to bed by herself?). So I would nip that in the bud.