Anonymous
03/21/2015 19:12
Subject: Re:How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
I am a woman from Eastern Europe and I find it hard to bond with American women. The only female friends I have are also from Eastern Europe. In social situations I too gravitate to male conversation circle as it makes me feel less awkward. I do believe this is cultural. She very well may want to be friends with you but doesnt know how to approach. It is a lot easier to hide behind your wits, Russians do take time to warm up to other people.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 17:37
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
I'd be honest with my husband and talk out over with him,how you feel when you go out with them etc. Maybe go every 2nd or 3rd time and be busy or sick the other times. Life is too short to spend it with someone who doesn't want to be around me.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 16:18
Subject: Re:How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
My advice is to fake it. I was in a similar situation years ago. My husbands best friend/college roommate divorced and remarried. Even though it had been about 6 years since divorce it was hard for me to love the new woman. I realized it had nothing to do with her...nothing...it was all me and my grief over the foursome of yester-years that I missed. Once I admitted that to myself I just pretended to like her for a year or two. Would just smile, make conversation, and listen to her answers graciously. Then one day I realized I actually didn't mind her and years later I really like her. It was just her position in my life that I had a hard time with. I don't think it really has anything to do with this woman OP or her culture its just the situation she is entering through.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 16:12
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
You might find that socializing with her perks up DH and that's a good thing!
Anonymous
03/21/2015 16:05
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Anonymous wrote:Threatened much? Your husband maybe next in line for a young beautuful Russian wife?
GREEN WITH ENVY. Get over it. Your husband probably cannot afford alimony and a similar model.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 15:01
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Anonymous wrote:OP, first you and the ladies likely need to get over the fact that she is beautiful, smart, assertive, and stop treating her like an interloper on your group.
You sound still bitter that she's now wife 1. And maybe, a little jealous/ envious of her.
She may be engaging in the men's talk because it's more engaging. I'm a DW and unless you have children, a lot of the "women's talk" can bore one to tears.
Personally, I'd love an energetic, educated, beautiful, funny Russian pal.
Eh, I don't know. Some women - and I think this is common in Eastern European cultures - value men more than women. So their focus will be more on the women that the men. It can be very annoying to be in the room with that dynamic.
If the men are discussing politics and the women Martha Stewart, then yeah, I can see your point. But in this area, "womens conversation " is generally diverse and intellectual, not just trading recipes.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 14:58
Subject: Re:How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Anonymous wrote:I fully understand where OP is coming from having been forced to deal with a similar situation. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with the woman's behavior.
They cozy up to men quick. They will address the men like you are invisible. They will pretend to be helpless, needy, clingy. They will interact with the wife but if any man enters the room, her full attention shifts. She will bubble over if her husband is around too.
When you're alone with them they are your best friend. A man appears and the flip is stunning.
My advice is keep the friendship at bay and limit your time with them as a couple.
No doubt there are women like this, but his is not at all the woman OP described.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 14:56
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Wow I didn't get all that from OP. Maybe this is why women come on here and complain they don't have friends. Nothing the OP says indicates the woman doesn't deserve the chance to be a friend only that OP has a reluctance to make the attempt. The problem is OP not the other one.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 14:48
Subject: Re:How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
I fully understand where OP is coming from having been forced to deal with a similar situation. It has nothing to do with jealousy. It has to do with the woman's behavior.
They cozy up to men quick. They will address the men like you are invisible. They will pretend to be helpless, needy, clingy. They will interact with the wife but if any man enters the room, her full attention shifts. She will bubble over if her husband is around too.
When you're alone with them they are your best friend. A man appears and the flip is stunning.
My advice is keep the friendship at bay and limit your time with them as a couple.
They cozy up to men quick. They will address the men like you are invisible. They will pretend to be helpless, needy, clingy. They will interact with the wife but if any man enters the room, her full attention shifts. She will bubble over if her husband is around too.
When you're alone with them they are your best friend. A man appears and the flip is stunning.
My advice is keep the friendship at bay and limit your time with them as a couple.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 14:17
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
I'm sure that the old friend is "handling" his strikingly pretty fiancee plenty.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 14:07
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
I have a close friend who married a man my husband doesn't like that much (and to be fair, neither do I). We negotiated that he is willing to hang out as couples once per quarter and other than that, I see her without our husbands. It works well. I try to aim for slightly less than quarterly.
You didn't mention what your husband thinks of the fiancée, though. That would be interesting to find out.
You didn't mention what your husband thinks of the fiancée, though. That would be interesting to find out.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 13:52
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
I understand that you might have nothing in common with this person, in which case you should stay courteous and polite when you get together. Time will tell whether you become closer or not. You don't have to become best friends right away, you know. Don't worry about it and let her make herself comfortable in your circle on her own time.
As a foreigner in this country, I don't really like the way you portrayed things by gender and by nationality. That has really nothing to do with it. There are some men and women I can't really seem to get along with, and thankfully more men and women of various cultures with whom I do get along with.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 13:32
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Unless your H absolutely wants you to go with him, I wouldn't feel obligated to socialize with them. You will have to probably suck it up a few times and have dinner with them, but since she doesn't really chat with you, just enjoy your meal and don't feel like you have to entertain her.
+1 to this advice
And you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder about this OP. I'm sure it shines through. I wouldn't twist myself into a pretzel to kiss your butt if I were the Russian woman either- you won't like her either way.
May I respectfully ask how you think I have a chip on my shoulder? Just curious.
I think your description of the rift (I appreciate the context, but I don't think its pertinent based on your question about her), saying that you have gotten to know them but not by your own choice, saying she is pretty in an over the top way- those comments in particular jumped out as showing you may have a chip on your shoulder about the whole situation. I apologize if I misread you!
Anonymous
03/21/2015 13:30
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Okay, I am giving you the benefit of the doubt because it does sort of sound like you are jealous. But here goes:
She sounds like the kind of woman that a girl just knows is not a girl's girl. She probably gives off a vibe that makes you just not quite trust her. She doesn't understand "girl code" at all. I think that Angelina Jolie is this type of woman. She is strikingly beautiful, but has no interest in being friends with other women. Women can tell immediately that she doesn't play by the same rules that most of us follow. Men don't see it and think she is great.
Be happy for your friend. Try to find common ground when you can, but don't worry about it too much. It's okay not to like everyone you have to deal with.
She sounds like the kind of woman that a girl just knows is not a girl's girl. She probably gives off a vibe that makes you just not quite trust her. She doesn't understand "girl code" at all. I think that Angelina Jolie is this type of woman. She is strikingly beautiful, but has no interest in being friends with other women. Women can tell immediately that she doesn't play by the same rules that most of us follow. Men don't see it and think she is great.
Be happy for your friend. Try to find common ground when you can, but don't worry about it too much. It's okay not to like everyone you have to deal with.
Anonymous
03/21/2015 13:28
Subject: How to handle husbands close friends new fiance?
Anonymous wrote:No no no I think I am being misunderstood! I actually went in really wanting to like her/bond with her. I love her husband and honestly was so happy to see him happy. But she is well so different. No nonsense, really serious, and just unlike anyone I have ever met.
I have seen her in different situations and she always gravitates towards men, you rarely see her with other women.
I assure you I am not jealous, I actually admire her sense of style and can readily admit if someone is beautiful, thankfully I too am no slouch and confident/comfortable in my own skin. However i am not really interested in spending my time with someone who I guess is not really that interested, makes sense.
So my question was how to handle, just go along and smile for my husbands sake or encourage his friendship to continue with the men only.
I'm a PP and I apologize if I misread your OP; is she uninterested in you or outright rude?