Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 17:34     Subject: DS just had surgery...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The surgery had been planned for awhile and DS (3) won't be able to be active for a few weeks. MIL knew that I had been buying new toys, books etc. to keep him occupied during his recovery. My parents are local and gave him a bunch of stuff (well, they gave it to me to ration out over the next few weeks). MIL is not local, but we skype regularly and visit a few times per year. I was kind of surprised that did not send anything to DS for his surgery.

My mom especially shows her love by giving gifts so I never know what "normal" is with regard to that. For me, it's not about the gift itself but the thought behind it. It kind of peeves me that MIL didn't so much as send a book. It wouldn't bother me as much if she hadn't just been talking for weeks about the time she put into buying birthday gifts for her other 2 grandchildren this month.

In the scheme of things, is this a big deal? No, of course not. But would anyone else feel kind of hurt/annoyed?



Well, I do think it's a big deal. Your MIL is playing favourites and that's always a big deal. Your husband needs to read her the riot act. And if he doesn't do that, then you need to be the one who does.


How is she playing favorites? She gave her other grandkids their birthday gifts. That means she must also give her other grandkid a surgery gift?
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 09:48     Subject: Re:DS just had surgery...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she knew you were buying stuff, she might not want to step on your toes. I wouldn't necessarily send anything in this situation if it was a niece or nephew. We are not a family that gives a lot of gifts and my inlaws are. It drives me kind of nuts how they equate gifts with expressing love. We all have too much stuff and I don't like to show my love by buying things. If she is Skyping regularly and trying to stay in touch with your family, that is more important and more valuable.


Exactly my situation. All the stuff makes me uncomfortable.

Op surely your child's recovery is not dependent on toys? Focus on your child, surgery is not a gift grab.


It's not a gift grab but it's a kind gesture and it is polite to send a little something. Don't you bring/send flowers, books, magazines, small keepsakes and/or easily digestible food to adult friends and relatives that are in hospital or are recovering from surgery/illness? Because that's pretty much the norm, in my book. It signals "I know you're going through a hard time, here's a little something that's a tangible sign of my love and that will put a little joy in your recovery and make it easier".

Gift grab cat's hindfoot.

The MIL is sending a clear, loud message: "I don't care, kiddo. Suck on that."


This (the bolded part). I don't think the MIL is necessarily sending a message that she doesn't care, but sending a little something would have been a kind and thoughtful thing to do for a 3yo undergoing surgery. I think OP pretty much confirmed it wasn't so much about the actual gift, but the thought behind it. I don't think OP is being gift-grabby. Some people were brought up to send something to people going through a hard time whether it be illness, surgery, etc. IMO, we need more caring gestures like that these days.

Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:08     Subject: Re:DS just had surgery...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If she knew you were buying stuff, she might not want to step on your toes. I wouldn't necessarily send anything in this situation if it was a niece or nephew. We are not a family that gives a lot of gifts and my inlaws are. It drives me kind of nuts how they equate gifts with expressing love. We all have too much stuff and I don't like to show my love by buying things. If she is Skyping regularly and trying to stay in touch with your family, that is more important and more valuable.


Exactly my situation. All the stuff makes me uncomfortable.

Op surely your child's recovery is not dependent on toys? Focus on your child, surgery is not a gift grab.


It's not a gift grab but it's a kind gesture and it is polite to send a little something. Don't you bring/send flowers, books, magazines, small keepsakes and/or easily digestible food to adult friends and relatives that are in hospital or are recovering from surgery/illness? Because that's pretty much the norm, in my book. It signals "I know you're going through a hard time, here's a little something that's a tangible sign of my love and that will put a little joy in your recovery and make it easier".

Gift grab cat's hindfoot.

The MIL is sending a clear, loud message: "I don't care, kiddo. Suck on that."
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 08:04     Subject: DS just had surgery...
Anonymous wrote:The surgery had been planned for awhile and DS (3) won't be able to be active for a few weeks. MIL knew that I had been buying new toys, books etc. to keep him occupied during his recovery. My parents are local and gave him a bunch of stuff (well, they gave it to me to ration out over the next few weeks). MIL is not local, but we skype regularly and visit a few times per year. I was kind of surprised that did not send anything to DS for his surgery.

My mom especially shows her love by giving gifts so I never know what "normal" is with regard to that. For me, it's not about the gift itself but the thought behind it. It kind of peeves me that MIL didn't so much as send a book. It wouldn't bother me as much if she hadn't just been talking for weeks about the time she put into buying birthday gifts for her other 2 grandchildren this month.

In the scheme of things, is this a big deal? No, of course not. But would anyone else feel kind of hurt/annoyed?



Well, I do think it's a big deal. Your MIL is playing favourites and that's always a big deal. Your husband needs to read her the riot act. And if he doesn't do that, then you need to be the one who does.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2015 05:46     Subject: DS just had surgery...
OP, you don't like your in laws. Period.