Anonymous wrote:Lights out and sheets over her body. It's all the same after that.

Right - like the Ben Franklin quote: "...in the dark all cats are grey"

1. Stop viewing the world from your asshole, that might make her look better to you.

What are your ages, OP?

I'm taking you at your word OP that there are not other issues (like your libido etc).

First, how old are the kids? If they are little, it's a bit of a wait-it-out time until they are in school and that gives your DW a little more time.

Second, as a DW of 17 years and we didn't marry young, and we have a good marriage, I think the sexual attraction ebbs and flows. I suspect in the past, couples just went with it, but in today's highly sexually charged culture, many people feel pressure to always be at their past sexual level.

Our sex live has ramped down a bit over the last couple years, but our silliness with each other and cutseyness and cuddliness has increased. Watching us, you would think we were always jumping in the sack because we get along so well and are so clearly attracted to each other. It's just another iteration of bonding, I guess.

Re the out-of-shape issue, I think you have to cut yourself some slack because men are very visual, so it is what it is. Then lead by example and also do something that's highly visible to her to help her work out ("You go for your walk and I'll do the dishes" or "Let's sign up for that 5K; we'll train by you going on that running loop first while I watch the kids, then I'll go while you watch the kids, then as a reward we'll go to lunch (at the place that serves great salads).")

Dear DH,

I'm sorry that I look like a 40 year old woman. Luckily I still get to sleep with a hot 20 something because like Peter Pan, you never aged. Oh wait... I don't...

Anonymous wrote:So you think. She's thinking of someone else.

I'm a DH and this is what I do: imagine someone else. I love DW and she's got a cute face, but she really porked out even before the baby.

I have a spank bank I go to in the mental film theater. Maybe DW does the same, I dunno. I've dated model quality women in my life, some of whom were great in bed, most of whom weren't. I came to understand that eventually, you get bored/tired of them, and that I'd likely not find many of the women in my spank bank very arousing if I actually got to know them or spent much time with them - it's the fantasy that's exciting. DW, on the other hand, is someone I actually like being around and spending time with, so I think this all works out quite well. If she's picturing Channing Tatum or whoever to get her crank turned, fine by me, I just don't want to know. I really think giving each other a little breathing room is the key to a long and happy marriage. My personal spank-bank is made up nearly entirely of "real women" who I actually know one way or another, not celebrities.

Pitch in around the house more and with the kids so your wife is less stressed. Make time for your wife to exercise or have some me time. She would probably love to lose weight but doesn't have the time to do it.

Work out together - both of you will look and feel better and it generates positive energy. Or an active hobby together.

OP, you can lead by example. Nobody can get younger, but you can get in shape and look better for your age. Start with yourself, that's pretty much the only thing you can do.

Also, keep in mind that libido dwindles as we age and get fatter. So there is high probability it's not her, it's you. Which brings me back to the original point: Start with yourself.

What about you? To be fair, have you maintained your weight and not lost any hair or gained a beer belly?

If so, then you have a case.

OP, when you married her, I bet it never crossed your mind that one day she'd get older and lose her looks. Maybe you could ask around among the older men who still seem happy with their wives, and see how they cope. Can you find some things about her that still turn you on, and focus on those?

I'm an older woman who's put on some weight and lost my looks, and I use very dim lighting and artful covering to enhance things. I'm also sensual, shameless, skilled, and enthusiastic, and those are all hot. So my partner can use his imagination or his memory of what I used to look like. I know men tend to be very visual. Personally, I think it's a burden on them, and it gets put on women, unless we set ourselves free of that. You have to, if you plan to get old with someone and keep having fun.

Anonymous wrote:She's probably not attracted to you either anymore, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you so. Believe me, we don't like it when our husbands get fat/old/bald either.

That's a very insecure non-answer.

She's probably not attracted to you either anymore, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you so. Believe me, we don't like it when our husbands get fat/old/bald either.

Anonymous wrote:I should have put in there that I know I've gotten fat and old too, but it seems to bother DW less that I'm going downhill.

How do married couples continue to be sexually interested in each other for decades? It baffles me. Is there a secret?

Thanks for the practical tips.

You need to figure out what attracted you to her beyond her body, and focus on that more. Or perhaps your lack of sexual interest doesn't actually have anything to do with her and you're just putting it on her. Many men start to lose sexual interest generally as they get older (gaining weight will do this as well), especially if there are low-grade performance issues developing.

I tried this but she just got offended and stayed fat, even gained more weight. Not attracted. Married but looking.