"I hope her dh realizes the problem because even though her negative reactions and constant bitching were destroying the marriage it doesn't take away his lack of helping in the family, which is what she was upset about in the first place. I do hope he is also willing to meet halfway."

Doesn't that depend on the correctness of OP's perspective on how much her DH is or is not pitching in? Could be she's being overly critical or focused on herself, or could be her DH really isn't as high functioning a parent as she is. It also could be that her DH wasn't too comfortable or good with infants, but will do a great job pitching in with coaching the soccer team and helping with homework, . . .

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have been together for twenty years and have a bunch of kids plus two FT jobs. It's very easy to take each other for granted. It takes work to maintain a loving relationship. I've learned that we are both happier when I try harder to be less critical and more loving. Instead of bitching about the dishes in the sink or scrubbing the toilet, it's better if I just do it myself. Is it fair? No. 50-50? Not even close. But he does tend to step up his game when I step up mine.

We've never been in counseling (no time), but we've managed to keep moving forward.

How would it work if he didn't?

I want to not yell. I want to be happy. But I also want to not live in a pigsty bc I am the only one who picks stuff up. Or have the lights turned off bc I he doesn't remember to pay the electric bill. And I want to not be doing shit and be exhausted while he's sitting there messing around on his phone.

OP we have been there, and both realized we did not want to repeat the broken homes we came from. We have worked hard on changing our patterns and taking the attitude sometimes that "this is a stressful sucky time, but we are in it together..let's be a team. " takes patience, trust and good will but also yields all those things and more.
I will also say that things are easier now that kids are 3 and 5. Not easy but easier.

Good for you for being able to break a dysfunctional pattern.

Anonymous wrote:Also just to add in case anyone was wondering, we have been married 12 years and having children and childcare in general is definitely the primary issue we have. We both agree we have to find a better medium to be a team on this issue to really make things work. We also would like more alone time/ date nights but sitters have been hard to come by for that. He is also planning a vasectomy and I think this is definitely a good idea.

It sounds like you're able to define the problem relatively narrowly, and that means it may be details you both have to list and find compromises on - a therapist could be a big facilitator in that. The fact that you are still attracted to each other and have a healthy sex life bodes really well. It may be painful and take a while, and will probably involve both of you giving in on a number of issues to reach a compromise, but if you are both willing to work at it, reach a compromise and then stick to it - to honor (repsect) each other by sticking to the agreement - you might emerge stronger. Good luck!

DH and I have been together for twenty years and have a bunch of kids plus two FT jobs. It's very easy to take each other for granted. It takes work to maintain a loving relationship. I've learned that we are both happier when I try harder to be less critical and more loving. Instead of bitching about the dishes in the sink or scrubbing the toilet, it's better if I just do it myself. Is it fair? No. 50-50? Not even close. But he does tend to step up his game when I step up mine.

We've never been in counseling (no time), but we've managed to keep moving forward.