Anonymous wrote:Mark my words, she will find a way to ruin the surprise. These kinds of people cannot stand not being in control.

I agree with this. I also agree that you should NOT give her any role on the planning. She will find a way to take over and make it all about her. I didn't read through your other thread, but can you confirm if she is married ? It really wouldn't surprise me if she isn't. It sounds like she's obsessed with her son and will always resent you for taking him away from her. Its crazy that she expected to throw a party for her 50 year old son. That makes it very clear to me that she is very controlling and never got over her baby growing up.

OP, if you must engage when she makes nasty comments, I have two pieces of advice. 1) crickets. Let the words just hang there. No one responds at all. 2) Be upfront. "Wow Sally. That was really unkind" or "that really hurt my feelings". Let her bluster, then see # 1.

Agree with others, disengage as much as possible. See her and interact with her as little as possible. Send her an invitation to the party or graduation or whatever in the mail. Do not talk to her on the phone. Do not email with her. She is not your mother. She is not your friend. Stop trying to please or appease her in any way. Do not be rude or mean or cruel, just live you life without regard to her insanity. You have lived with this for too long; you think this kind of domineering MIL is normal. It's not.

Mark my words, she will find a way to ruin the surprise. These kinds of people cannot stand not being in control.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I stand by my original opinion that your MIL does not like you, no matter how much you say otherwise. And by extentsion she does not like your children.

I get it, I really do and moreso now that you described your H - sounds like mine to the letter. I have this MIL. She does not like you. She loves your H, you and anything you have with him are in the way of her ability to adore him and brag about him and only him. This is even more obvious to me in that she wants to be in control of this milestone party. That is not her place, but she has never let go in her mind or in her actions of your H as her "baby." Nothing you have done or will ever do will make you good enough in her mind for her "baby." I even have the same Ivy League degree as my H and I'm still not good enough.

Disengage. Do not let her have her foot in the door for the party or anything else. All requests for coming over to pick something up get run through your H. I tried to play nice for a decade. When the behavior extended to our children, I was done. All communication is solely through H.

Who gives a shit? She doesn't like her so what. Stop already! You sound rude and ignorant mean and unhappy. If you don't friendly advice for OP better off to not comment at all.

I did give her advice. This OP is spending a lot of time trying to appease a woman who walks all over her, is rude to her and mean/cruel to her children. My advice for her is to disengage. Nothing good is coming of her efforts to make things better with her MIL.

I am not unhappy - in fact, I'm much happier now that I don't try to engage with someone who treats me terribly.

Anonymous wrote:I stand by my original opinion that your MIL does not like you, no matter how much you say otherwise. And by extentsion she does not like your children.

I get it, I really do and moreso now that you described your H - sounds like mine to the letter. I have this MIL. She does not like you. She loves your H, you and anything you have with him are in the way of her ability to adore him and brag about him and only him. This is even more obvious to me in that she wants to be in control of this milestone party. That is not her place, but she has never let go in her mind or in her actions of your H as her "baby." Nothing you have done or will ever do will make you good enough in her mind for her "baby." I even have the same Ivy League degree as my H and I'm still not good enough.

Disengage. Do not let her have her foot in the door for the party or anything else. All requests for coming over to pick something up get run through your H. I tried to play nice for a decade. When the behavior extended to our children, I was done. All communication is solely through H.

Who gives a shit? She doesn't like her so what. Stop already! You sound rude and ignorant mean and unhappy. If you don't friendly advice for OP better off to not comment at all.

I am married to an only son of a single mother, so I get the golden son obsession. I think your MIL is competitive, but not jealous. She wants to show her son that she loves him more than anyone else (including his DW), she knows him better than anyone else, and he needs her more than anyone else. Hence all the weird behaviors.

My MIL always hosts DH's birthdays (she's the one who gave birth to him, so I get it), and I don't get a say in her planning. The one time I dared to bring a cake, she refused to eat it. What I do, is sometimes organize a smaller birthday celebration just with us and kids, and maybe a couple of DH's friends. Your MIL wants to feel important and recognized as DH's mom, she probably is upset she did not think of a celebration first, and now tries to take over. I'd say let her participate in planning to make her feel important, but don't let her dominate the planning.

I guess, she's also old (if your DH is 50), so it might be her age talking and not her. Don't take it personally.

I stand by my original opinion that your MIL does not like you, no matter how much you say otherwise. And by extentsion she does not like your children.

I get it, I really do and moreso now that you described your H - sounds like mine to the letter. I have this MIL. She does not like you. She loves your H, you and anything you have with him are in the way of her ability to adore him and brag about him and only him. This is even more obvious to me in that she wants to be in control of this milestone party. That is not her place, but she has never let go in her mind or in her actions of your H as her "baby." Nothing you have done or will ever do will make you good enough in her mind for her "baby." I even have the same Ivy League degree as my H and I'm still not good enough.

Disengage. Do not let her have her foot in the door for the party or anything else. All requests for coming over to pick something up get run through your H. I tried to play nice for a decade. When the behavior extended to our children, I was done. All communication is solely through H.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, your MIL sounds mean and passive aggressive. I'm sorry. But you also sound smug and condescending. Stay away from confrontations with your MIL and stop caring. Protect your daughter from her, but stop whining on this bored because your posts just ooze self-satisfaction and how much better you think you are than her. Try to be the bigger person here and empathize with her a little while your husband protects you from her meanest side. You don't seem to have tried that approach at all.

She is not a threat to you . You won. Now just move on.

Sorry but you sound like a MIL from hell "in training"..oh yes the very kind of MIL OP is talking about sounds like the kind of person you are fast shaping up to be ( or who knows might already be)! Lighten up, OP sounds like a together kind of person trying to make peace with an impossible MIL. Where and how has she come across smug, condescending and like she thinks she is better? I didn't' get that at all. You really need to loosen up.

Did you read the last thread, ie "my MIL is jealous of me"?

AS I said, I do agree that the MIL is not a nice person and is difficult, but she is not jealous, per se. MIL and DIL lead totally different lives.

If I've got the two threads wrong, then I apologize.

Don't call her, don't engage, don't give her any more fuel than you need to.

Send her a note saying "just to recap, here is what I'm planning for DH's b'day. Please remember this is a surprise and do not spoil it for him. "

If she spoils it that is a damn shame but probably won't shock him. After the b'day I'd have a serious heart to heart w/ your husband and tell him he needs to get her in line.

We have some serious dysfunction on both sides of our marriage and have a long-standing (and battle tested) policy of handling our own side. My husband handles his family and I handle mine and our primary responsibility is to insulate each other and defend our nuclear family. It has served us well. It's not unlike the approach you take with small kids - both parents have to give the same answer and support whatever the other parent said.

Good luck OP. She sounds like a colossal PITA (and probably a seriously unhappy person.)

I'd be prepared for her to spoil the surprise.

I also agree with others that you can't change her- all you can do is change how you react to her. So don't react. Disengage, and go on with your life.

Quite honestly, given how likely she is to spoil the surprise, I wouldn't have her involved and I might tell her details that are incorrect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Personally I don't think it is wise to say you can help with X,Y or Z. I'd say you've decided on a venue and we hope you can make it to the party. I'd leave it at that. Don't give her the opportunity to make more waves.

+1000%

Do not allow her to help. Period. Because once you give her a role she will try to insert herself into every decision. But, I think keeping the party a surprise will probably be a mistake because at some point she will be so mad about not being the organizer that she will ruin the surprise "by accident." So you should control your own messaging. You have college aged kids. It's time to be very clear about things with your very difficult MIL and if she continues to behave in these ways, tell her clearly that you won't put up with it any longer.

Agree. Send her an invite - though I suspect from what you have said that she may wind up telling DH about the party. Sounds like she can be nasty and subversive like that.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, your MIL sounds mean and passive aggressive. I'm sorry. But you also sound smug and condescending. Stay away from confrontations with your MIL and stop caring. Protect your daughter from her, but stop whining on this bored because your posts just ooze self-satisfaction and how much better you think you are than her. Try to be the bigger person here and empathize with her a little while your husband protects you from her meanest side. You don't seem to have tried that approach at all.

She is not a threat to you . You won. Now just move on.

Sorry but you sound like a MIL from hell "in training"..oh yes the very kind of MIL OP is talking about sounds like the kind of person you are fast shaping up to be ( or who knows might already be)! Lighten up, OP sounds like a together kind of person trying to make peace with an impossible MIL. Where and how has she come across smug, condescending and like she thinks she is better? I didn't' get that at all. You really need to loosen up.

OP I say DO NOT offer for her to help with the party but tell her you certainly hope she will be there to celebrate this special day with her beloved son. I think asking her on board with the planning is a recipe for disaster and more future angst with this woman. Is she married? Happily if so? She sounds so unhappy, does she have a large circle of friends?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't think I am going to call (good advice) if she calls me i will say oh I though I made it clear I already decided to do it at the club, and then maybe (if I am feeling nice haha) say but if you would like to help me out with x,y,z....then you are most welcome. Something along that line, though I know I will be met with another comment to shoot it down.

Personally I don't think it is wise to say you can help with X,Y or Z. I'd say you've decided on a venue and we hope you can make it to the party. I'd leave it at that. Don't give her the opportunity to make more waves.

+1000%

Do not allow her to help. Period. Because once you give her a role she will try to insert herself into every decision. But, I think keeping the party a surprise will probably be a mistake because at some point she will be so mad about not being the organizer that she will ruin the surprise "by accident." So you should control your own messaging. You have college aged kids. It's time to be very clear about things with your very difficult MIL and if she continues to behave in these ways, tell her clearly that you won't put up with it any longer.

Honestly, OP, your MIL sounds mean and passive aggressive. I'm sorry. But you also sound smug and condescending. Stay away from confrontations with your MIL and stop caring. Protect your daughter from her, but stop whining on this bored because your posts just ooze self-satisfaction and how much better you think you are than her. Try to be the bigger person here and empathize with her a little while your husband protects you from her meanest side. You don't seem to have tried that approach at all.

She is not a threat to you . You won. Now just move on.

Well isn't she a pill? You may want to check out DWIL over in Babycenter.com. They're a bit extreme (and a lot of them are young!), but the advice will be to disengage, don't justify your decisions, and just change the subject when she tries to argue with you. Some people are broken, you can't fix them. Just step back as much as possible.