Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They always think they don't need their meds when they are up cycling. She has decided not to take her medication because she is not "in her right mind". And, your know what, OP - your mother would have flipped out about something else in the restaurant if your FIL had said nothing. Your Mom is mentally ill. It is not her fault. Of course you should invite her to your son's birthday party.

I do agree my FIL was out of line but he was only concerned. Yes my mom would have flipped about something else. Almost every family gathering is ruined by her. A few weeks ago we were at the zoo. Another woman happened to accidentally bump her shoulder in passing. She flipped out and started accusing this woman of being vile things and she did it on purpose. It's always outburt after outburst. She only started taking medication 3 years agô and goes off of it very couple of months. It's so sad and hard to deal with. When we do try to speak abiut her needing help, it's a showdown. She will scream, cry, play victim, and then threaten to fight you. It's insane.

Let's look at the situation for what it is. Your FIL was asking (I am going to assumedly genuinely) about your mothers treatment. That means he knows she has had episodes and has sought help. Based on your original post and the above, her flipping out was not an isolated incident. Was it the appropriate place to have this discussion? No. But that does not excuse her behavior. You cannot walk around on eggshells because she is refusing to take her medication. Is your FIL not supposed to ask about your mom's health and wellbeing at all? That is just polite conversation in most circles. She was the one who offered up the information about not taking the medication. Should he have given his medical opinion right there? Probably not. He could have pulled you aside after the fact and expressed his concern. That being said, the bigger picture is that your mom is not taking her medication and cannot be trusted to behave appropriately. Honestly, that is where my Easter discussion would start. Mom, I love you. You have an illness and your illness requires medication. Without taking that medication, it isn't fair to subject the family to a situation in which everyone needs to walk on eggshells.

I totally agree with this. I have said the same to my sister who has borderline personality disorder. It's effective and it works.

"My mom has seriously gone nuts" to me honestly says all there is to say about this...whether or not your mom needs medication is not up to you. Or your FIL. Or anyone else but your mom and her doctor. That's one thing. Her flipping out about your FIL may or may not have to do with her being bipolar. Maybe she just flipped at someone who had the audacity to stick his nose into her personal business in an absolute inappropriate way. Maybe she just doesn't give a shit what people around her think about her anger.

If you don't want her there for Easter because awkward things might happen - uninvite her. But don't make up excuses. Be honest and say "My mother is too difficult for me to handle."

Anonymous wrote:Your fil was way out of line. Who brings up health issues like that infront of people at a restaurant. Your mother felt threatened and she reacted.

Well, if my father stopped taking his insulin bc he no longer felt it was needed then someone in the family should say something especially if you are a doctor. How is stopping the bipolar meds any different? The woman is not thinking correctly.

In other words, we must always be on eggshells around people with bipolar and never do anything to set them off. You see, they can't help it. All responsibility is on us, and anything the bipolar person does MUST be forgiven.

Bipolar runs in my family as well. And "how are you feeling?" can be part of a normal conversation. I don't see what FIL did as wrong. I can tell by my sisters behavior if she is on or off meds, or started new meds. My mom has learned to stay on medication. My sister knows to stay on, but sometimes the drugs aren't covered by insurance, or they loose their effect and she has to stop and start new ones, and sometimes the new drug doesn't work as well or has bad side effects.... And with my sister, she knows we ask because we are genuinely concerned and want her to feel well, both mentally and physically.
Like a PP said, we explain to our kids, 5 and 8, that their aunt has a medical condition and is sometimes grumpy because of it.

I think that for mother to be included in events and around young children she has to be on her meds. Flipping out, especially around young kids, is not okay. Op, if mother refuses, you should still see her, engage with her, but do not include your kids.

I know some people will disagree with me, but your mother is making a choice not to take her medication and her choice will have consequences. Your priority is to protect your children from somebody whose behavior is unpredictable.

Let's look at the situation for what it is. Your FIL was asking (I am going to assumedly genuinely) about your mothers treatment. That means he knows she has had episodes and has sought help. Based on your original post and the above, her flipping out was not an isolated incident. Was it the appropriate place to have this discussion? No. But that does not excuse her behavior. You cannot walk around on eggshells because she is refusing to take her medication. Is your FIL not supposed to ask about your mom's health and wellbeing at all? That is just polite conversation in most circles. She was the one who offered up the information about not taking the medication. Should he have given his medical opinion right there? Probably not. He could have pulled you aside after the fact and expressed his concern. That being said, the bigger picture is that your mom is not taking her medication and cannot be trusted to behave appropriately. Honestly, that is where my Easter discussion would start. Mom, I love you. You have an illness and your illness requires medication. Without taking that medication, it isn't fair to subject the family to a situation in which everyone needs to walk on eggshells.

I agree. While your FIL could have handled it better, I don't think what he did was that bad. At least you learned she wasn't taking the meds. She also would have flipped out about something else. Mental health issues run deep in my family, I've got enough challenges of my own without feeling like I need to accomodate those that flip out. When they're stable, I'm happy to visit/hang out. When they're not, I avoid them. I'm not going to subject my kids what I had to endure.

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL was wrong to go all Doctor on her in a social setting, when he's not HER doctor. He's right in what he says. She will crash and accept her need for medication. Then she'll feel better and go off. It's a typical cycle.

Explain to your boys that Grandma is unwell in the head. That if they need medication, they are to take it until the doctor says they don't need to anymore, and some medications, you have to take your whole life, and that's what Grandma has, but she's not taking it. Why? Because she's unwell in the head.

I would not want to do Easter with her either.

YEA -- WHAT DA FUGGGG?
Who in the hell asks a "crazy' person how crazy they are feeling and if their meds are working -- IN A PUBLIC SETTING??!!!!!!!
Your F-I-L is an MD alright - Major Dumbass!!!

Your FIL didn't help things but he was right about the patterns of behavior around compliance with medication in bipolar disease.

Stopping the meds once you feel better is a classic behavior. Absolutely classic and some would say the larger hurdle in effective treatment. The meds often work beautifully, but they only work if you stay on them and it's difficult to convince someone they are sick when they don't feel it.

There is good literature out there on this OP - it might help you to educate yourself a bit so you know more about the disease.

Re Easter I would probably approach it similarly to the poster above. "Mom, we want you with us at Easter. But if you want to be there you need to take your medication. If you are not on your medication daily I do not feel comfortable having you in my home. Your behavior is erratic and scary when you are not on your meds. Let me know what you want to do."

We went through this in our family. (My father had a brother with bipolar disorder.) I vividly remember some manic episodes that I witnessed and were extremely alarming. My father had to ban him from seeing his family unless he was medicated. It was awful.

I wish you and your mom luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They always think they don't need their meds when they are up cycling. She has decided not to take her medication because she is not "in her right mind". And, your know what, OP - your mother would have flipped out about something else in the restaurant if your FIL had said nothing. Your Mom is mentally ill. It is not her fault. Of course you should invite her to your son's birthday party.

I do agree my FIL was out of line but he was only concerned. Yes my mom would have flipped about something else. Almost every family gathering is ruined by her. A few weeks ago we were at the zoo. Another woman happened to accidentally bump her shoulder in passing. She flipped out and started accusing this woman of being vile things and she did it on purpose. It's always outburt after outburst. She only started taking medication 3 years agô and goes off of it very couple of months. It's so sad and hard to deal with. When we do try to speak abiut her needing help, it's a showdown. She will scream, cry, play victim, and then threaten to fight you. It's insane.

Let's look at the situation for what it is. Your FIL was asking (I am going to assumedly genuinely) about your mothers treatment. That means he knows she has had episodes and has sought help. Based on your original post and the above, her flipping out was not an isolated incident. Was it the appropriate place to have this discussion? No. But that does not excuse her behavior. You cannot walk around on eggshells because she is refusing to take her medication. Is your FIL not supposed to ask about your mom's health and wellbeing at all? That is just polite conversation in most circles. She was the one who offered up the information about not taking the medication. Should he have given his medical opinion right there? Probably not. He could have pulled you aside after the fact and expressed his concern. That being said, the bigger picture is that your mom is not taking her medication and cannot be trusted to behave appropriately. Honestly, that is where my Easter discussion would start. Mom, I love you. You have an illness and your illness requires medication. Without taking that medication, it isn't fair to subject the family to a situation in which everyone needs to walk on eggshells.

Anonymous wrote:I think there's no perfect answer when you're dealing with mental illness. Don't worry about your kids. Just teach them how to cope in these situations by talking to them and modeling good behavior. They will need to learn sooner or later, if not in relation to their mother then with someone else.

I do think it's strange your FIL brought up mental illness and treatment at the dinner table, but I guess we just don't know the relationship, which is obviously atypical of inlaw relationships. That's okay.

their grandmother*

sorry about that!

I think there's no perfect answer when you're dealing with mental illness. Don't worry about your kids. Just teach them how to cope in these situations by talking to them and modeling good behavior. They will need to learn sooner or later, if not in relation to their mother then with someone else.

I do think it's strange your FIL brought up mental illness and treatment at the dinner table, but I guess we just don't know the relationship, which is obviously atypical of inlaw relationships. That's okay.

Anonymous wrote:Your FIL deliberately provoked your mother. He poked the bear and he got the reaction he was seeking.

Why did he ask her about her medication? That is rude and inappropriate. You don't ask about someone's medication in a public setting, especially someone who is bipolar. Tacky. Second, why did he then proceed to act as her doctor and advise her on her medication and treatment? Again, inappropriate and tacky. A normal person (and I use this term loosely and I don't think there are many "normal" people), could have lost it over this intrusive behavior by your FIL.

I wonder if he was trying to provoke a reaction to prove a point.
My mother fortunately stays on her meds, though we have the cycle every few years where they need to be adjusted/ changed. In general I set firm, upfront boundaries with my mom with 1 reminder (though I'm sort of the parent here) if she can't comply she has to go.

Your FIL deliberately provoked your mother. He poked the bear and he got the reaction he was seeking.

Why did he ask her about her medication? That is rude and inappropriate. You don't ask about someone's medication in a public setting, especially someone who is bipolar. Tacky. Second, why did he then proceed to act as her doctor and advise her on her medication and treatment? Again, inappropriate and tacky. A normal person (and I use this term loosely and I don't think there are many "normal" people), could have lost it over this intrusive behavior by your FIL.

Anonymous wrote:They always think they don't need their meds when they are up cycling. She has decided not to take her medication because she is not "in her right mind". And, your know what, OP - your mother would have flipped out about something else in the restaurant if your FIL had said nothing. Your Mom is mentally ill. It is not her fault. Of course you should invite her to your son's birthday party.

I do agree my FIL was out of line but he was only concerned. Yes my mom would have flipped about something else. Almost every family gathering is ruined by her. A few weeks ago we were at the zoo. Another woman happened to accidentally bump her shoulder in passing. She flipped out and started accusing this woman of being vile things and she did it on purpose. It's always outburt after outburst. She only started taking medication 3 years agô and goes off of it very couple of months. It's so sad and hard to deal with. When we do try to speak abiut her needing help, it's a showdown. She will scream, cry, play victim, and then threaten to fight you. It's insane.