The main difference is: typical kids do not need to take extracurriculars (it's parents' choice to load them with activities). SN kids NEED therapies and other appointments (it's not optional).
When I take my SN kid to an extracurricular activity, it's a full hour of mental exhaustion to watch DC with peers (is DC going to follow direction, respond to peers, not being aggressive, not biting nails, not wandering, not having potty accident, etc), while other parents are relaxed, chatting or looking at their iPhones.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. I feel like I have 3 full-time jobs also -- the one I'm supposed to do at work, which is exhausting enough, the second performing the "normal" requirements of being a householder, husband and parent (transportation, management of finances, home upkeep, helping with homework, etc.), and then the whole third tier of managing the special needs -- the constant work on developing social cognition, assisting with struggles of child and also of spouse, etc.

Nothing irks the parent of an SN child more than others who assume one's exertions and strain are all voluntary, and that all other parents are working just as hard, all the time. Total, complete BS. And the proof of this lies in the occasional moments that other parents can "check out" when SN parents can't.

I'm sure other SN parents have been to gatherings of family and friends where other parents are actually able to relax, have a cup of coffee, and chat, secure in their knowledge that the kids can go off and play in another room with only minimal risk -- and have no clue as to why the SN parents can't do the same. Or just send the kids off to camp for a half-day and catch a breather during that time. Or actually have an evening date with the spouse during the first several years of childhood. SN parents simply do not get these breaks, and it is wearing.

This. I can't sit for a cup of coffee at the coffee shop with toys and know my kid will play nicely for a minute, he will run away. I can't take my kid to the library for story time, he will run away/disrupt. I can't take my kid on a walk, etc., etc, etc. It is a whole new level of watchfulness that is truly exhausting. I have to ignore my toddler at every activity we do go to, like an indoor gym, because SN preschooler has to, literally, be tracked every second or he will hit, kick, run away. It is soul sucking.

Hire a sitter. Get a sanity break. Get a teacher versed in dealing with SN to get you a date night. This is a marathon. If you are going to have the stamina to last it through, you need periods to recharge.

Wouldn't be reading

I wish I was overly busy driving my kids to soccer and play practice! Nope! Multiple therapies per week for two, tutoring and homework that takes most kids an hour takes us two + hours to get only partially done. The insurance submissions and follow up are a huge pain, especiLly for the minimal reimbursement. The SN school tuition is $40K + and it is unlikely that my kids will make it past community college. If we didn't splurge for private, our kids would be reading or doing basic math.

Ten times the effort and investment just to get thru high school.

I was thrilled when I was able to squeeze in a monthly orthodontia check in.

Anonymous wrote:A DH here. I feel like I have 3 full-time jobs also -- the one I'm supposed to do at work, which is exhausting enough, the second performing the "normal" requirements of being a householder, husband and parent (transportation, management of finances, home upkeep, helping with homework, etc.), and then the whole third tier of managing the special needs -- the constant work on developing social cognition, assisting with struggles of child and also of spouse, etc.

Nothing irks the parent of an SN child more than others who assume one's exertions and strain are all voluntary, and that all other parents are working just as hard, all the time. Total, complete BS. And the proof of this lies in the occasional moments that other parents can "check out" when SN parents can't.

I'm sure other SN parents have been to gatherings of family and friends where other parents are actually able to relax, have a cup of coffee, and chat, secure in their knowledge that the kids can go off and play in another room with only minimal risk -- and have no clue as to why the SN parents can't do the same. Or just send the kids off to camp for a half-day and catch a breather during that time. Or actually have an evening date with the spouse during the first several years of childhood. SN parents simply do not get these breaks, and it is wearing.

This. I can't sit for a cup of coffee at the coffee shop with toys and know my kid will play nicely for a minute, he will run away. I can't take my kid to the library for story time, he will run away/disrupt. I can't take my kid on a walk, etc., etc, etc. It is a whole new level of watchfulness that is truly exhausting. I have to ignore my toddler at every activity we do go to, like an indoor gym, because SN preschooler has to, literally, be tracked every second or he will hit, kick, run away. It is soul sucking.

I'm just tired. All the time. And if I take time for a "me break", even if it's something as inconsequential as watching stupid HGTV or reading a magazine after my kids are asleep, then there's something else that hasn't gotten done, that's going to keep me up later or that I'm going to worry about not having finished. I don't think I ever gave enough credence to how tiring worrying is.

Both my kids are SN, but one is fairly mild and the other is on the lighter end of moderate. Right now we aren't doing too many extra appointments (but I really need to get both kids back seeing therapists) and life is generally fairly routine with our meds stablized. Even with that, we have some sort of IEP or other meeting with administrative staff every 2-3 weeks, and every time I work myself up with worry for a week then can't wind down when it's over because I'm so busy dissecting. I'm constantly on guard as to what's happening in school and can Little Johnny handle this field trip, and everything and I'm just tired.

And, comparatively, my SN kids are in less time consuming places right now and I'm still feeling wiped out. I hear you OP, it's exhausting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every kid is a FT job. If you don't do the work, you pay someone else to do it.

Sure. That's true. So put it this way: if having any kid is a full time job, having a kid with special needs is like mandatory unpaid overtime.

I have to agree. I'll say up front that I don't had a kid with special needs. One of my kids was seriously ill and required a ton of treatments and therapies for a few months. Coordinating the appointments, the insurance, etc, was on a whole other level- it was not like researching camps and getting together normal kid stuff. Vent away OP and others.

It's researching camps and then deciding against them because you're worried your kid will not do well and the counselor won't know how to handle it. It's being risky and signing them up for a lesson or activity only to have them refuse to participate and you eventually do early withdrawal so they don't ruin it for the other kids. It's stressing like hell because your kid can't write and the schools say "they will be expected to write in kindergarten BUT it's not developmentally appropriate til then so we can't do anything for that" and you wonder just how your kid is supposed to magically be able to write the first day of kindergarten when the schools don't care UNTIL the first day of kindergarten. It's picking and choosing what therapies you can afford and will be most beneficial. It's watching stuff come so easily to other kids and seeing how it doesn't even occur to their parents how fortunate that is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every kid is a FT job. If you don't do the work, you pay someone else to do it.

Sure. That's true. So put it this way: if having any kid is a full time job, having a kid with special needs is like mandatory unpaid overtime.

I have to agree. I'll say up front that I don't had a kid with special needs. One of my kids was seriously ill and required a ton of treatments and therapies for a few months. Coordinating the appointments, the insurance, etc, was on a whole other level- it was not like researching camps and getting together normal kid stuff. Vent away OP and others.

Anonymous wrote:Every kid is a FT job. If you don't do the work, you pay someone else to do it.

Sure. That's true. So put it this way: if having any kid is a full time job, having a kid with special needs is like mandatory unpaid overtime.

OP, I feel for you. I actually have a full-time job and then I come home to yet another one. I don't remember the last time I had full 8 hours of sleep. I am always worried about DS even though he's making so much progress in school, teachers love him, he's very social. But I am concerned about pretty much everything that involves him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every kid is a FT job. If you don't do the work, you pay someone else to do it.

Your not getting it. Every kid does not have therapy appointments weekly, multiple yearly doctor appointments, insurance claims, special services at school, etc.

OP, agreed fully. Its exhausting. We have been in therapy 4 out of 5 days a week. I needed one day a week break.

Ok, Ms Special.

Why are you on this thread? I doubt you have a child with special needs. This is a place for parents to vent without judgement. Go away.

A DH here. I feel like I have 3 full-time jobs also -- the one I'm supposed to do at work, which is exhausting enough, the second performing the "normal" requirements of being a householder, husband and parent (transportation, management of finances, home upkeep, helping with homework, etc.), and then the whole third tier of managing the special needs -- the constant work on developing social cognition, assisting with struggles of child and also of spouse, etc.

Nothing irks the parent of an SN child more than others who assume one's exertions and strain are all voluntary, and that all other parents are working just as hard, all the time. Total, complete BS. And the proof of this lies in the occasional moments that other parents can "check out" when SN parents can't.

I'm sure other SN parents have been to gatherings of family and friends where other parents are actually able to relax, have a cup of coffee, and chat, secure in their knowledge that the kids can go off and play in another room with only minimal risk -- and have no clue as to why the SN parents can't do the same. Or just send the kids off to camp for a half-day and catch a breather during that time. Or actually have an evening date with the spouse during the first several years of childhood. SN parents simply do not get these breaks, and it is wearing.

I feel like I have 3 full time jobs. One is actually parenting, being there for my kid, helping with his homework, having silly conversations, reading bedtime stories. I love that job! One is that job I get paid for, which I like too, although sometimes I wish I had fewer hours of it. And one is managing the paperwork, and the specialists, and the school, etc . . . . That job, I could do without.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe because I've been at this for a long time, but I feel like it comes in fits and spurts. Shuttling your SN child to appointments is the same time commitment as shuttling your NT kids to activities. Researching camps and activities is time consuming for all of your kids. IEPs are once a year. I have more meetings a year than most, but really they add up to about once a week at school before I head off to work. Research is intense periodically, but once your child is diagnosed and you've gained an understanding of his or her issues, research is an occasional issue. So it's different and involves more than my NT kids. And on some days it feels heavy, but that's probably worry. But, most of the time, I don't feel like I devote an overwhelming amount of time.

Lucky you. I realize my kid won't be headed for college, will struggle to learn basic activities of daily living, and I don't know WTF I'm going to do long term in terms of housing and occupation even if it's volunteer after I'm dead.

It sounds like your child has more serious SN than mine. The thread started about moderate SN, which is where my son fits. There is no college in his future - vo tech is our dream come true and we will know shortly if that is to be. Basic ADLs are fine but life skills are a challenge. Still, I find that my bright NT child is very time consuming as well as is my average NT child. My point was not to be insensitive, but rather to acknowledge that I don't feel that the time I spend on helping my SN son to reach his potential and to arrange for his care is so grossly out of line with the amount of time I spend on my other kids. Is is more? Yes. But it isn't all I do. In fact on a day to day basis, my bright NT child is my time suck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, maybe because I've been at this for a long time, but I feel like it comes in fits and spurts. Shuttling your SN child to appointments is the same time commitment as shuttling your NT kids to activities. Researching camps and activities is time consuming for all of your kids. IEPs are once a year. I have more meetings a year than most, but really they add up to about once a week at school before I head off to work. Research is intense periodically, but once your child is diagnosed and you've gained an understanding of his or her issues, research is an occasional issue. So it's different and involves more than my NT kids. And on some days it feels heavy, but that's probably worry. But, most of the time, I don't feel like I devote an overwhelming amount of time.

You cannot compare activities to therapy and all involved with a typical kid. You do not get it. We do activities and therapy on top of full day school. Insurance is a nightmare, constant eva,hat ions with each person saying something different and homework from school and therapies. No,mactivities are not equal to therapy. We cannot send out child to camp. He is with me all summer. I do not get if your chikd is special needs that you are not devoting a lot of time to it or you just do not care and let it be others issue

Your differences highlighted here:

1. Difference in severity of special needs.
2. Difference in resources at parents' disposal, notably finances for long-term care.
3. Which all leads to a very significant difference in the level of stress. And stress is what makes it all overwhelming.