Does he happen to have a French accent? I just wonder if I know your father but only know his side.

Thanks for the update, OP. You trusted your instincts on this one and you were right. Your dad really does sound like a leopard.

+1

Anonymous wrote:OP Here thanks for the personal stories, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. It really is too little too late by the time your children are grown adults to suddenly take interest. Even then, my dad was only in town to finish cleaning out his rental house since he and his girlfriend split, not to visit us. The good news (I guess?) is I never heard from him and I know he leaves town tomorrow morning. I think he only visited my sister because she has given him money in the past and he probably wants to stay in her good graces for the next time he's in need. A leopard doesn't change its spots and I got stressed for nothing.

Thanks for the update, OP. You trusted your instincts on this one and you were right. Your dad really does sound like a leopard.

Ouch. See him. Maybe a movie so you don't have to talk much? Or a museum?

OP Here thanks for the personal stories, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone in these feelings. It really is too little too late by the time your children are grown adults to suddenly take interest. Even then, my dad was only in town to finish cleaning out his rental house since he and his girlfriend split, not to visit us. The good news (I guess?) is I never heard from him and I know he leaves town tomorrow morning. I think he only visited my sister because she has given him money in the past and he probably wants to stay in her good graces for the next time he's in need. A leopard doesn't change its spots and I got stressed for nothing.

OP, I could have written the exact post, almost word for word. I see my Dad twice a year and I literally stress out for a week each time I hear he'll be in town. He was never really there for me growing up and I now that he is getting older, is taking more of an interest in my life... which I hate! I have a 9 month old and I literally agonized over whether I even wanted my child to even meet her grandfather. In the end I let them meet but I sometimes just feel like moving away and not providing him with a forwarding address. Hang in there OP, I feel your pain!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not meet him? What's fake in your "nice" polite exchanges?

Why fake it if you don't have to?

Right pp. He doesn't care about op and has hurt her. He sounds very selfish and is just doing parenting by checklist. His version of parenting involves very little action. This is why it is often said that love is a verb. Op, do what is easiest for you. I like the slow fade.

I am the pp who sited the car accident. I shouldn't have used the word"guilt". I meant "regrets".

Just think long and hard about the potential guilt. I did this and my dad died really unexpectedly and I don't get a do-over.

I totally get that it may be different for you and you truly don't care. But...to me I am sensing some anger from you, which is a lot different than a lack of caring.

Anonymous wrote:Your life, your decision. Just remember, if he is in a car accident on the way home, you cannot have any guilt.

She can have guilt there just wont be any changing the previous decision.

My father was also "difficult"(he is now deceased)
So I get your feelings about h. However, I would surmise that the awkwardness and discomfort comes not from his dysfunctional behavior but your understandable hesitancy to confront him about it. By confront, I simply mean have the uncomfortable conversation. You can feign illness now, but what about the next time he is around or you hear from him.
For your own emotional health, you need to just deal with it or it will be the emotional albatross around your neck .
He may not 'get it' or change to your liking, but at least you saiid how you feel and were honest and put your cards in the table . Your ducking g and dodging is doing you more harm than his crazy ass is. If you don't want a relationship tell him, if you just want him to know how he hurt you , tell him.
FREE YOURSELF!

Op you need to empower yourself.
See him for 45min - 1 hr at a restaurant.
You pick the place. You pick the time.
Or if you can give a couple choices but don't leave it open ended.
I would not invite him to your house - that's too intimate. And again too open-ended.
Do the right thing by seeing him
But you control the environment. Don't wait to "be invited"
You initiate. You control.

Yeah, people who haven't been in this situation don't get that you can lose a parent and really not feel bad about it. That's the way I feel about my dad and he's been dead 20+ years. I don't miss him in the least.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not meet him? What's fake in your "nice" polite exchanges?

Why fake it if you don't have to?

I was asking what was fake. Why was "nice" fake.