It sounds like the SIL could use some help now that she's on her own with 3 teens. If you go on the trip maybe your husband can stay up past 9 and be the male authority figure their father has decided not to be. Since your kids don't live with them year-round, a one-week (supervised) trip (with clear rules for all) probably won't change the course of their lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd skip the trip.

This. I'd also start limiting any interaction with a SIL who's apparently fine with her high schoolers drinking and smoking weed.

Agree.

Thanks 9:11. This is what I am leaning toward, along with separate conversations with my own kids and more attentive supervision than we have had to do in the past. These relationships are important, and I don't want to turn my back. But it is a tough decision.

I might suggest a step-together approach with your SIL. As the adults, have a conversation with the drug-using teens. Ask them how they're feeling, why the use drugs, what they know about drug use and the body, and what they know about the law. Explain your values, which probably also include your love for them. And also explain the parameters of behavior that will permit them to go and stay on this trip. And explain what will happen if those rules are broken. Can they agree to those parameters?

It might be that the kid says "No, I can't agree. It's my life, my business." So you need to be prepared for that. What will happen as a consequence? Will the child stay at home or with sh!tty dad? Or will the cops get called? Kid get kicked out and wander around on his own? I mean, I don't know.

At any rate, I think the teens should know that you know what they're up to, that it's not safe (they're young, brains developing, they use too much, bad habits, addiction, etc.).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is 15. You can't police her all the time. What you CAN, and SHOULD do, is talk to her. Repeatedly. She needs to be strong enough to avoid drugs and drinking even if you are not looking over her shoulder. Whatever you do, don't make this an excuse to treat your siblings/in-laws or nieces/nephews badly. If you feel you need to back out, do so gracefully, but if you're going to go, try not to make your distrust and disdain quite so obvious.

Why not? They're trash.

I don't condone teens drinking or smoking pot but referring to kids as "trash" because they've made some poor decisions is disgusting.

The kids are not trash, but you need to make it clear that your family has different values and choices, and while you still love your nieces and nephews, you won't be socializing this way with them anymore.

No more beach house. Bye-Bye.

BTW, this is exactly how my husband became a teenage alcoholic and addict. At the beach. His older cousins introduced him to alcohol and drugs. His parents were pretty much oblivious.

He entered rehab at 19.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid is 15. You can't police her all the time. What you CAN, and SHOULD do, is talk to her. Repeatedly. She needs to be strong enough to avoid drugs and drinking even if you are not looking over her shoulder. Whatever you do, don't make this an excuse to treat your siblings/in-laws or nieces/nephews badly. If you feel you need to back out, do so gracefully, but if you're going to go, try not to make your distrust and disdain quite so obvious.

Why not? They're trash.

I don't condone teens drinking or smoking pot but referring to kids as "trash" because they've made some poor decisions is disgusting.

Why in the world would you put your family in that position?

There are plenty of beaches out their without your drug addicted nephews. Seems safer for your family and for your daughter.

23:28 here, I was responding to 23:18.

^^^

This sounds like a balanced approach.

I remember those cousins. 35 years later, one just got out of prison for heroin, and one is schizophrenic and a ward of the state after some time homeless. On the other hand, one is a successful home builder after straightening up and going to work for his dad. And two have made nice loving families and are now grandmothers after becoming mothers at 17 (one single, one still married to her teenage sweetheart).

Me, the "slow lane" kid? Yes, I drank a little, and smoked pot a couple times. But it wasn't really my thing. And since I wasn't with those cousins the other 51 weeks of the year, it didn't become my thing. It was part of growing up.

Prepare yourself because your kids will drink and smoke weed. The first person to introduce me to drugs was MY COUSIN. I was 16.

I would still go on this trip - this is a great opportunity to help your kids build confidence in saying no.

Make sure your kids know that you want them to have fun, but if the fun turns into drugs, they need to get away. Prepare them with a few methods on how to escape. Whether it be a quick text to you alerting you that you need to call and tell them they have to come back for xxx reason or just flat out telling the cousins that they aren't interested and walk away, they need to know how to say no.

Tell your kids that if you find out they did drugs on this trip - they will be punished.

The smell and effects of pot are hard to cover up. Without being obvious, I would sniff them them and their clothes. Pay attention to their demeanor.

Plan some alone time with them so they aren't always around the cousins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd skip the trip.

This. I'd also start limiting any interaction with a SIL who's apparently fine with her high schoolers drinking and smoking weed.

I agree, OP. Why are you so afraid to call out SIL? These are YOUR KIDS you are talking about.

I'm not afraid to call her out, and we do plan to sit down with her and the cousins and make the rules clear (assuming we go). My DH is not unlike the dad another PP described...he is very clear and authoritative about things like this. But he also tends to fall asleep for the night by 9:30 or 10, so it will be up to me to be keeping an eye out. I will expect SIL to do the same, but I clearly can't leave it up to her.

Anonymous wrote:Does your SIL condone this behavior? Do the kids share rooms while there? How does your daughter feel and drugs and alcohol?

SIL does not condone it, but she has lost the ability to control it. Kids have been through a divorce and some overly controlling parenting, now they are rebelling. (That is my read, anyway.) When ex-BIL has them, he completely fails to supervise.
Yes, the kids share bunk-bed rooms. Or at least they have to this point. It might help to change the sleeping arrangements.
My DD does not seem interested in alcohol or drugs at this point. She tends to be adult-focused and a rule-follower, generally. We have already talked about the situation, and will again.

Yeah. I had cousins who were into drugs. I was in the "slow lane," too, as a kid. Still am, haven't ever smoked weed and I'm thirty-fourteen.

At any rate, I would suggest a meeting with your SIL--maybe your spouse needs to head up this conversation if it's his/her sister. And agree on certain ground rules. If the rules are broken, that family makes sure the user DEPARTS. Period. Or whatever rules you have set up.

This is something up with which I would not put.

Also, talk with your kids. I knew my cousins were doing pot, because my parents told me. They also told me that pot might not be dangerous, per se, but it was a drug, and it did things to your brain. My cousins, also, were cool enough, but also kind of fuck-ups, so it's not like they were making an appealing argument for pot "enhancing" your life. I got the "just say no" speech, which worked well enough for me. I also pretty clearly understood that if I decided to smoke, my parents in NO WAY would support or condone it. My cousins knew I was square () and they knew my dad was the kind of guy who would not stand silent if someone was screwing around with his kids. Not a mean or violent man, just decisive, persuasive, and authoritative. I don't think my cousins would've EVER offered me any pot mostly because they feared and admired my dad, to be honest.

And even if pot is increasingly legal, it's not unabridgedly legal. Distribution to minors is always illegal everywhere.