Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on her diagnoses. If she has Alzheimer's or other dementia, it could be really traumatic for her to have a change of schedule/ scenery/ caregiver if she's used to what she has. If she has mainly physical impairments and not mental, she should understand that you guys need to take a weekend once in a while and have to use respite care.

She has dementia. But still, I can't be expected to to live like this for god knows how long….Also, I want my children to have FAMILY vacations.

But I will sit this trip out.

You are going to wish you kept her in the nursing home.

Do you have any help now?

I agree with the suggestion to leave DH alone with his mom for a long weekend. Have him take Friday and Monday off and be home with his mom and the baby. Let him see what it is like. (Presuming he doesn't come to his senses.) Then he will see.

I think part of the deal with DH needs to include x number of respite care weeks a year, period.

No staff person at a nursing home takes care of someone 24-7. You deserve support. I would be very clear that you must have some breaks, that your needs do matter--because if you break down, MIL will have to go back to the nursing home anyway. So, building in respite care weeks actually makes it possible for her to stay in your home for longer.

Anonymous wrote:You need to make this a more general conversation about how to handle his mother's care while she lives with you. Don't just make it about this one trip. You need to be on the same page about how to be fair to both of you, your children and his mother. It's a balancing act. Drop your dukes and talk to your husband.

This.

Wow, OP, I think you need a reality check - you're husband is being an asshole, truly. As you say, he may very well be in denial, but it is borderline ridiculous to not only insist that your spouse take care of your parent, but then REFUSE TO EVER provide backup/respite for that spouse in that task. He should be bending over backward to give you a break. You are so far away from a healthy setup here that I think it will take a lot of conversation and work - and the issue goes way beyond this trip.

My 93 year old in laws live with us, though we can leave them alone for months at a time. If, however, we were in your shoes, DH would be the one staying home to watch them.

Anonymous wrote:Your DH is being unreasonable-- he should be grateful to you for agreeing to this, and open to your requests. Sit him down and reiterate that it is very important to you-- don't let him get away with not confronting the issue. He's probably in denial about what he's putting you through.

Tell him that you don't know if you will be able to get away in future years. People get harder and harder to manage as they age. If you don't take a family vacation soon, you might not have the chance for a very long time.

This. Your DH is being either unreasonable, selfish, or he is in denial. Does he have any idea how much you do for his mom and the kids?

Pay somoen to say with your MIL while you all go for a week. It's just one week, give yourself that break.

She needs to go back into a home. This is a recipe for disaster.

Anonymous wrote:I suggest you take the long view. This is one vacation and he will owe you one.

you must not understand the meaning of long view. long view means having a conversation about what caring for mil means for them as a family. will their lives be put on hold? when does she get a break?

You need to make this a more general conversation about how to handle his mother's care while she lives with you. Don't just make it about this one trip. You need to be on the same page about how to be fair to both of you, your children and his mother. It's a balancing act. Drop your dukes and talk to your husband.

Let him go with older DC this time, but treat this as a wakeup call for you all. Hire a nurse to come regularly (we found one for my grandma who has a regular weekday position and she does Saturdays or Sundays with us) and then you have another person in the mix so that you have the possibility of a real family trip this summer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on her diagnoses. If she has Alzheimer's or other dementia, it could be really traumatic for her to have a change of schedule/ scenery/ caregiver if she's used to what she has. If she has mainly physical impairments and not mental, she should understand that you guys need to take a weekend once in a while and have to use respite care.

She has dementia. But still, I can't be expected to to live like this for god knows how long….Also, I want my children to have FAMILY vacations.

But I will sit this trip out.

I am PP. I like another PP's suggestion of you going with a friend who can hold the baby while you go on rides. That way, at least your MIL has a familiar face around (your DH- he may have to take a day or so off work, depending how much she depends on the familiar), as well as being on her home turf, and then he can hire a nurse/ aide for backup.

Even if you don't go this time, I also would talk to her primary doctor about an aide coming in via Visiting Nurse or similar service, to give you a break on other days. Then if you get the same aide/ nurse consistently, maybe you can go on a future trip and he will have no worries, and she will be comfortable.

Your DH is being unreasonable-- he should be grateful to you for agreeing to this, and open to your requests. Sit him down and reiterate that it is very important to you-- don't let him get away with not confronting the issue. He's probably in denial about what he's putting you through.

Tell him that you don't know if you will be able to get away in future years. People get harder and harder to manage as they age. If you don't take a family vacation soon, you might not have the chance for a very long time.

Yeah, all us bitches are gonna get old. No doubt. But caring for 2 small children and an elderly person with dementia is a lot to handle. DH going on a weekend away while you change diapers (both large and small) burns. Speak up, OP, things are out of balance here.

How old is the baby? Why is it a given that you have to stay with her?

This is ridiculous. Your DH makes the same kind of suggestions as mine. You stay in the house and slave away, while he takes the older easy kid so they can both go have fun. No way. Why would you want to be stuck with his mother? He should be the one put out by having to take care of her. I think it's big of you to let her stay with you, but ultimately her care falls on him. Can someone come to your house to take care of her while you all go for a family vacation?