As I father, I believe what men most owe their children is their presence. I probably make $200,000 less per year than I could be making (half), but I chose to forgo jobs and promotions that required long hours or travel. Every day I play with my kids after work, go on walks and bike rides, take them to their sports activities, do homework with them, read to them at night, and lay down in bed with them each night and talk about life. I also volunteer in their classrooms and go eat lunch with each of them once or twice per week. I believe our relationships with our kids are built in the "small moments", and I see too many men my age who seldom see their kids and aren't fully present when they do, and then seem to think they can make it all right by taking some elaborate week long vacation once a year. I find it really sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an adult son with autism who lives in a group home 400 miles a way. We go to visit once a month. It is expensive, and time consuming (we have two kids in weekend activities too), and we often wrap our vacation around it. But I can't imagine life any other way. I'm all in for that. And God forbid anything happen to my husband, I will continue to take our two kids to see their big brother.

OP, what does your friend do about this? I bet if she pushed a little bit, it might really help. It is a good thing to model for her own kids, if nothing else.

Op here. My friend does nothing but complain about how much his other kids cost because of child support. I applaud you for doing the right thing. That's honorable.

A man who knowingly has more children than he can afford is not a good father. And your friend doesn't sound like such a peach either.

Anonymous wrote:My husband has an adult son with autism who lives in a group home 400 miles a way. We go to visit once a month. It is expensive, and time consuming (we have two kids in weekend activities too), and we often wrap our vacation around it. But I can't imagine life any other way. I'm all in for that. And God forbid anything happen to my husband, I will continue to take our two kids to see their big brother.

OP, what does your friend do about this? I bet if she pushed a little bit, it might really help. It is a good thing to model for her own kids, if nothing else.

Op here. My friend does nothing but complain about how much his other kids cost because of child support. I applaud you for doing the right thing. That's honorable.

My husband has an adult son with autism who lives in a group home 400 miles a way. We go to visit once a month. It is expensive, and time consuming (we have two kids in weekend activities too), and we often wrap our vacation around it. But I can't imagine life any other way. I'm all in for that. And God forbid anything happen to my husband, I will continue to take our two kids to see their big brother.

OP, what does your friend do about this? I bet if she pushed a little bit, it might really help. It is a good thing to model for her own kids, if nothing else.

Anonymous wrote:no

No. That's the only answer to this question. No embellishment or excuses necessary.

Anonymous wrote:The older kids get the more important money becomes to them. Absent father can make up for not being there by providing money for clothes, car, healthcare, and college.

OP here. I think this would be the case for his older child that is a teen but due to the child support to both ex-wives, he can't pay for college or a car or anything really for this child. He can barely support himself and family # 3. They lease a vehicle and rent a small condo.

Weird that people think someone can't be a good father to one child to exclusion of others. Does it make it right? No. Does it make them a good person? No.

My dad was pretty shitty to me growing up and really awesome with my sister. No idea, that's just how it was. But he was a great father to her and not to me.

Anonymous wrote:I know men like this. They are good fathers to the kid until they break up with the mom and then they kick both the mom and the kids to the curb. Your friend just chooses to have her head in the sand about who she really married.

+1. And your friend's kid will figure it out as he gets older -- Dad abandoned those other children and he can do the same with me. It's a very unstable way to grow up and will cause major damage. The legion of second wives who facilitate or excuse this kind of behavior make me sad.

Anonymous wrote:Not all absent dads are absent by choice. My DH is a crappy dad to kid #1 because of his nightmarishly bad relationship with the ex wife. He tried for years to maintain the relationship but she threw up roadblock after roadblock and it's pretty much a lost cause now with the kid old enough to remember all the times he didn't come through and young enough not to care why he didn't. He is great with our kid. This doesn't sound like OP's friend's situation, but thought I would mention it.

People aren't simple.

This is not a good excuse. If she is making so much drama for him to see his child has he considered seeking full custody? A good parent wouldn't let anyone stand in the way of the relationship with their child. That child is going to grow up with daddy issues because his daddy sounds weak.

I know men like this. They are good fathers to the kid until they break up with the mom and then they kick both the mom and the kids to the curb. Your friend just chooses to have her head in the sand about who she really married.

Some men only live the children for as long as they love their mothers.

The father can be the child's hero. But as far as parenting....it will suffer. A lot. I am an older mom who raised my kids alone. There is little to no support for the other parent who is left playing good cop - bad cop. Dad comes home, picks the low hanging fruit, and moves on. Reason: How do you call a person working in a "danger zone" and tell them Johnny is not behaving? And Johnny knows Dad is MIA at home. Not the same as having an active partner. That was my experience...there's a good chance Mom will be known as a bitch.

The older kids get the more important money becomes to them. Absent father can make up for not being there by providing money for clothes, car, healthcare, and college.

It would bother me as well.

It's like the other kids are getting the short end of the stick based on birth order and it isn't right.

I think a genuine father is a good father to ALL of his children and if he isn't actively involved in each and every one of his children's lives, then he isn't 100%.

But I do not know the whole back story. I am hearing all of this info like fourth-hand so I cannot judge this man.

No.

Is this how you would want your children treated? Would you ever do this to your own children, regardless of how far away they lived? Is this how you would want your children to treat their own children?

Unacceptable is unacceptable. And I don't buy excuses. You divorce a spouse, but not your children.