To the Op, my advice is not baby steps but tell him he needs to move out. In my experience men won't go to counseling or do anything to save the marriage until it comes to the point of moving out and filing. By that time it's sometimes too late. Like it or not he is going to have to talk about his affair if he wants to stay married. Most people spend two years working through affair aftermath. There's no way he's getting out of it without having to talk about it.

OP--at the very least separate. Perhaps the idea of divorce is overwhelming to you. A separation would give you the time and space to figure out what you need for yourself.

OP, he's already not working on things. A person who has an affair who WANTS to fix their marriage will agree to the usual marriage-fixing plans - like counseling, for example. By design, marriage counseling that a couple goes to in order to recover from an affair will include a lot of discussion about the affair. It is common and totally understandable for someone who has been caught in adultery but who does not want to divorce to want to simply move on from the affair, not discuss it anymore, etc. In their mind, the past is in the past. They have made (or believe that they have made) a decision to behave differently in the future and do not feel that it is worth further discussion. You, on the other hand, have a different perspective and different needs. A good partnership involves both parties being responsive to and not dismissive of each other's needs. Your husband is not doing that.

I would strongly encourage you to go to counseling alone. You sound very lost and uncertain. Therapy will help you to identify what you want and will help you make a plan to achieve it. If that's reconciliation, you may need to face the possibility that what you want is not possible (if your husband will not take the steps that you need to reconcile). If that ends up being divorce, you will figure out how to navigate that process as well.

I wish you luck and peace.

OP I have no idea how old you are but both you and your husband sound very immature.

Baby steps to detachment? What weird psychobabble.

If he won't engage on any level you need to get into counseling and see if perhaps the way you are approaching him is pushing him away from engaging. Not that I'm blaming you; your DH committed adultery and his subsequent behavior is very passive aggressive.

Or you need to see a lawyer, protect yourself financially, then walk. You sound like you really don't want to make hard decisions--much like your DH--and want to escape the problem by going out with other men.

Time to become an adult. Squarely face the situation and dispassionately assess it, make non-emotional decisions that are in your best interests financial and otherwise, and move on.

BTW the ability to delay gratification is the hallmark of a mature person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband won't go to counseling with you to fix marriage and won't divorce you, but you think he's going to be a-okay with you sleeping with someone else? This feels almost War of the Roses-like, you guys are just going to keep making each other more and more miserable until one person finally files for divorce.

OP. - I wouldn't like to divorce but if he won't work on things, that is what I will do. I'll move out and get the process started. I'm lonely in my marriage, not feeling particularly strong, and I'd like to casually go out and enjoy life while I'm getting the divorce started. I'd like to flirt again. I'd like to have engaging conversation. I'd like to do things. I have friends who are married, so their weekends tend to be committed. I'm looking for a person with whom to have fun, not to be a therapist. I want to experience life is good. I'm not looking for a committed relationship, just someone to do things with who is not one of my girlfriends.

So it is a baby step for me to start detaching.

I actually get the frustration. It's on you to do all the work of proceeding with a divorce and you don't know if DH will make it even harder. On top of that this isn't your preferred path but he refuses to try to improve the marriage. Well the upside of being the one that will initiate the divorce is that you do have control of when and how. Use this time to make sure you are really ready, financially, emotionally, and legally before you make the move. If you need to process the emotions of both the affair and end of your marriage, seek individual counseling.

Try not to make rash decisions because you are upset and want out. I would personally be worried about making a misstep like seeing other people in a state where that could make a difference in divorce proceedings or leaving myself open to soon to be ex running up debt in combined accounts or not paying mortgage etc out of spite because I didn't know how one should handle finances when in the midst of separating/divorcing when the other person isn't on board. Try to focus your energy on preparation.

Divorce him. He has no interest in being with you anyway.

you guys are sickos.

divorce and move on.

Move out, get a divorce, then start dating. You're not helping your situation by doing these steps in the reverse order.

Better to get out of the marriage than drag it on by asking to see other people. Also, not sure if you're locate in a no fault divorce state, but if not, it could affect the divorce settlemnt if you are seen as also engaging in "extramarital" behavior, even if your hubby agrees to it now (he could always deny that he gave consent later, btw).

Anonymous wrote:If you're not ready to get a divorce, and he won't go into counseling with you, then at least go into counseling yourself to figure out why you're putting up with this, or to get help to gear yourself up for a divorce. Hanging out with some other guy isn't going to help your marriage, and any guy who'd hang out with you under these circumstances is guaranteed to have a bunch of issues himself.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Your husband won't go to counseling with you to fix marriage and won't divorce you, but you think he's going to be a-okay with you sleeping with someone else? This feels almost War of the Roses-like, you guys are just going to keep making each other more and more miserable until one person finally files for divorce.

OP. - I wouldn't like to divorce but if he won't work on things, that is what I will do. I'll move out and get the process started. I'm lonely in my marriage, not feeling particularly strong, and I'd like to casually go out and enjoy life while I'm getting the divorce started. I'd like to flirt again. I'd like to have engaging conversation. I'd like to do things. I have friends who are married, so their weekends tend to be committed. I'm looking for a person with whom to have fun, not to be a therapist. I want to experience life is good. I'm not looking for a committed relationship, just someone to do things with who is not one of my girlfriends.

So it is a baby step for me to start detaching.

Your husband won't go to counseling with you to fix marriage and won't divorce you, but you think he's going to be a-okay with you sleeping with someone else? This feels almost War of the Roses-like, you guys are just going to keep making each other more and more miserable until one person finally files for divorce.

You've handed all your power over to your husband OP. Take it back.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'd like to work it out. I don't understand why he won't fish or cut bait.

Because he doesn't want to take responsibility. He wants to be able to blame whatever happens on you.

+1000

If you're not ready to get a divorce, and he won't go into counseling with you, then at least go into counseling yourself to figure out why you're putting up with this, or to get help to gear yourself up for a divorce. Hanging out with some other guy isn't going to help your marriage, and any guy who'd hang out with you under these circumstances is guaranteed to have a bunch of issues himself.