Anonymous wrote:I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

Oh honey.

I like the advice of waiting a long time before we have kids. We have our pre-nups, pre-canaan and weekly therapy sessions so we have a lot of support structures in place if/when things go bad. I'm really worried about a general lack of respect and civility.

Needs a drink to be nice? HUGE RED FLAG.

Call it off ASAP.

Anonymous wrote:Call it off. Hurt feelings and lost deposits are way better than year of regret. I wish I had been brave enough to call my wedding off.

Me too.

Anonymous wrote:So many concerns, both big and small. For example: Fiance isn't super nice to service people: valet guys, the maid, waiters, etc. He is really nice to bartenders, which he says it's not that he's not nice to others, it's just that he's nervous and when he has a drink, he relaxes and can be "nice" aka his true self.

Oh that's not good, the drinking and the rudeness, it will come down on you once the honeymoon period is over. And if you have other concerns it's a bigger red flag.

Call it off. Hurt feelings and lost deposits are way better than year of regret. I wish I had been brave enough to call my wedding off.

There's a saying, "If you're not nice to the waiter, you're not nice."

Anonymous wrote:So many concerns, both big and small. For example: Fiance isn't super nice to service people: valet guys, the maid, waiters, etc. He is really nice to bartenders, which he says it's not that he's not nice to others, it's just that he's nervous and when he has a drink, he relaxes and can be "nice" aka his true self.

Your term or his?

Anonymous wrote:So many concerns, both big and small. For example: Fiance isn't super nice to service people: valet guys, the maid, waiters, etc. He is really nice to bartenders, which he says it's not that he's not nice to others, it's just that he's nervous and when he has a drink, he relaxes and can be "nice" aka his true self.

Is he neutral towards them, like just not particularly friendly, or is he rude to them? And is this your biggest concern? Because it's what you're leading with here, and it seems fairly minor overall (again, assuming he's not actually rude to people).

Can you be more specific - what is giving you "cold feet?" That's not an emotion. Are you fearful? Distrustful? What has changed?

Dont do it. My mom bitterly regrets that she didnt listen to her prewedding jitters. She was afraid she would be embarrassed to call it all off. Trust me, getting a divorce is way more embarassing

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do it. You can always set a new date if your feelings change.

I think if my feelings change, it would still cause irreparable harm to our families and our relationship to put off the wedding at the last minute.

And what would divorce do down the road? Calling off or rescheduling a wedding is cheaper than divorce.

Honestly, OP the not being nice to service people sounds more like you've been watching RomComs chocked full of cliches.

Are there bigger issues? Do you feel like you share the same values as this person? Do you enjoy being with this person on a daily basis? Is this person kind to you? Is this person respectful of you? Have you discussed children/religion/where to live geographically/life or career goals? Lastly, do you love this person warts and all?

Sounds like you moved too fast.

Just know he is not going to change. Will his bad qualities bug you or will you be able to tolerate them for the rest of your life?

PP posting again - you know what?
Separating now before the wedding might be embarrassing and expensive.
Divorcing after the wedding might entail lots of paperwork and will be expensive.

But this is nothing compared to divorcing when you have kids, because the pain will not just be financial, it will permanently mark your children.

So the real advice is to wait a long while before you have children with this man. Wait until you really, really know what he's like.