Anonymous
02/26/2015 19:32
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She probably knows you're pretending and doesnt know how to react. She's probably much older than you and has seen it all. Stop faking it and just be polite and sincere.
NP here. I disagree completely.
OP, you are being gracious, warm and welcoming. Is your MIL backwoods? It seems backwoods people think any amount of the aforementioned is "fake".
Keep up the great work. Your parents did a great job.
I'm not thrilled to see my MIL, she seems much like your MIL, but really, be an adult and be pleasant, for crying out loud. As we should be teaching our children: you don't have to like him or her, but you do have to be nice. Not everyone is as blessed as you.
Pretending to be happy to see someone is being "fake".
Who said anything about "backwoods"? And what does that even mean? Most small town people don't stiffen up when hugged, they hug you right back with a big ole smile and then talk about you behind your back.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 16:11
Subject: Re:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Can't stand them. My life is lived happily between the thankfully infrequent visits.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 16:07
Subject: Re:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:I had always been polite and respectful to my MIL even though she never returned the same to me. I told myself it didn't matter because above all else, she was my husband's mother, grandmother to my kids. She treated my kids like they were invisible. I can count on one hand the number of times she came to my house. Babysit ? Never.
Right before she died she told me I was a very good wife and mother. Funny because all the years I knew her she disliked me because I didn't work therefore it made me a bad mother bad wife. She worked, left her kids with the oldest kids because her life was not about raising kids. It was about making money. Period.
I looked her straight in the eyes and said maybe if I had had help like you did all those years, I might have been a better wife and mother, able to contribute money to the household instead of just being a nobody staying at home. I said you spent all those years judging me when we could have been friends. She told me she was sorry.
4 days later, she died.
I told my husband to put a stake through her heart and throw some garlic in the casket. I did not want her coming back.
Not sure if you are for real or being sarcastic.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 15:55
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
MIL bugs me in a lot of ways. I still try to pretend to be happy to see her when she visits. (She lives out of town.) I try to greet her with a smile and a hug, but I get stiffness and a bland "hi" back. I guess I should just stop trying. I'm not actually that happy to see her.
Fake hugs are grating on some people. It's one thing to be polite, but feigned affection is different. Be polite and cheerful as you would with any houseguest or visitor to your house. Skip the hug. Imagine that it was your husband's boss coming for you dinner, what would you say? Say the same thing like "It's nice to see you." "How was your trip?" "Hello. It's cold out. Come on in and get warm." "I'm so glad you made it safely." etc, etc. You can be warm, pleasant and polite without the feigned affection. I've seen in-laws where this approach (just polite and warm, but without forced, artificial affection, hugs or kisses) worked much more successfully.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 15:52
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:I pretend to be happy to see all my relatives, including my own Mom. Be thankful you only have to pretend with your MIL!
With that said, maybe she feels like you are "forcing" her to pretend too--I get really mad when family members (who talk behind my back non-stop) do this to me. So be friendly, say hi and hug her once, but don't go overboard with how glad you are to see her, hug hug hug etc.. etc..
I am not "backwoods" but am bothered by the lack of real affection in my family. Have no problem returning affection with friends and in-laws who seem genuine. All the fakeness and enthusiasm is bothersome when paired with the actual opinions which start surfacing when someone leaves the room.
My solution would be not to hug her anymore and just say hi and welcome. Offer to take her coat or get her something to drink instead. It might be more relaxing for both of you.
I feel this way about my own mom, too, PP. I love her, I'm grateful for all she did for me, but I find her to be utterly annoying as an adult. She has no life, her only hobbies are those she has adopted from her boyfriend, she shows zero interest in my son and never asks about me. She's tedious. But she's my mom and I'll always be nice to her even if she does irritate me.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 15:46
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
MIL bugs me in a lot of ways. I still try to pretend to be happy to see her when she visits. (She lives out of town.) I try to greet her with a smile and a hug, but I get stiffness and a bland "hi" back. I guess I should just stop trying. I'm not actually that happy to see her.
Seems like you're being polite. Isn't that a good thing?
+1. Seriously. Come on people, smiling and hugging a family member, or basically anyone visiting your home, is not being "fake." It's basic decency.
Thank you. My MIL and I couldn't be more different, but we are always courteous. I don't get the post OP: would you like to greet her by rolling your eyes and grunting? It's just common decency to be friendly and warm - especially to your husband's mother!
Lol. I answer the door with "wellll, look what the cat dragged in."
Anonymous
02/26/2015 15:43
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
I pretend to be happy to see all my relatives, including my own Mom. Be thankful you only have to pretend with your MIL!
With that said, maybe she feels like you are "forcing" her to pretend too--I get really mad when family members (who talk behind my back non-stop) do this to me. So be friendly, say hi and hug her once, but don't go overboard with how glad you are to see her, hug hug hug etc.. etc..
I am not "backwoods" but am bothered by the lack of real affection in my family. Have no problem returning affection with friends and in-laws who seem genuine. All the fakeness and enthusiasm is bothersome when paired with the actual opinions which start surfacing when someone leaves the room.
My solution would be not to hug her anymore and just say hi and welcome. Offer to take her coat or get her something to drink instead. It might be more relaxing for both of you.
With that said, maybe she feels like you are "forcing" her to pretend too--I get really mad when family members (who talk behind my back non-stop) do this to me. So be friendly, say hi and hug her once, but don't go overboard with how glad you are to see her, hug hug hug etc.. etc..
I am not "backwoods" but am bothered by the lack of real affection in my family. Have no problem returning affection with friends and in-laws who seem genuine. All the fakeness and enthusiasm is bothersome when paired with the actual opinions which start surfacing when someone leaves the room.
My solution would be not to hug her anymore and just say hi and welcome. Offer to take her coat or get her something to drink instead. It might be more relaxing for both of you.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 15:22
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
I can't stand my MIL but do pretend to be happy to see her. I also choose my words carefully.
I am much happier to see her when we go to visit (we stay in a hotel) than I am when she comes to us (often books herself for 12-14 day trips - OMFG).
I am much happier to see her when we go to visit (we stay in a hotel) than I am when she comes to us (often books herself for 12-14 day trips - OMFG).
Anonymous
02/26/2015 15:18
Subject: Re:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
I had always been polite and respectful to my MIL even though she never returned the same to me. I told myself it didn't matter because above all else, she was my husband's mother, grandmother to my kids. She treated my kids like they were invisible. I can count on one hand the number of times she came to my house. Babysit ? Never.
Right before she died she told me I was a very good wife and mother. Funny because all the years I knew her she disliked me because I didn't work therefore it made me a bad mother bad wife. She worked, left her kids with the oldest kids because her life was not about raising kids. It was about making money. Period.
I looked her straight in the eyes and said maybe if I had had help like you did all those years, I might have been a better wife and mother, able to contribute money to the household instead of just being a nobody staying at home. I said you spent all those years judging me when we could have been friends. She told me she was sorry.
4 days later, she died.
I told my husband to put a stake through her heart and throw some garlic in the casket. I did not want her coming back.
Right before she died she told me I was a very good wife and mother. Funny because all the years I knew her she disliked me because I didn't work therefore it made me a bad mother bad wife. She worked, left her kids with the oldest kids because her life was not about raising kids. It was about making money. Period.
I looked her straight in the eyes and said maybe if I had had help like you did all those years, I might have been a better wife and mother, able to contribute money to the household instead of just being a nobody staying at home. I said you spent all those years judging me when we could have been friends. She told me she was sorry.
4 days later, she died.
I told my husband to put a stake through her heart and throw some garlic in the casket. I did not want her coming back.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 14:37
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Of course. I'm not going to be a bitch when she walks in the door. A hug and a "how was your trip" is common courtesy. I don't have to enjoy spending time with her, but I can act like a human being. (if I really must...sigh...)
Anonymous
02/26/2015 14:35
Subject: Re:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Always. I also choose my words carefully. I always smile and greet her cheerfully. I never say, "good to see you." I usually smile and say, "Hello! Welcome!" Something like that. If it is Christmas or Thanksgiving, I lead with, "Merry Christmas!" "Happy Thanksgiving!"
Anonymous
02/26/2015 13:33
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
MIL bugs me in a lot of ways. I still try to pretend to be happy to see her when she visits. (She lives out of town.) I try to greet her with a smile and a hug, but I get stiffness and a bland "hi" back. I guess I should just stop trying. I'm not actually that happy to see her.
Seems like you're being polite. Isn't that a good thing?
+1. Seriously. Come on people, smiling and hugging a family member, or basically anyone visiting your home, is not being "fake." It's basic decency.
Thank you. My MIL and I couldn't be more different, but we are always courteous. I don't get the post OP: would you like to greet her by rolling your eyes and grunting? It's just common decency to be friendly and warm - especially to your husband's mother!
Anonymous
02/26/2015 13:14
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:She probably knows you're pretending and doesnt know how to react. She's probably much older than you and has seen it all. Stop faking it and just be polite and sincere.
NP here. I disagree completely.
OP, you are being gracious, warm and welcoming. Is your MIL backwoods? It seems backwoods people think any amount of the aforementioned is "fake".
Keep up the great work. Your parents did a great job.
I'm not thrilled to see my MIL, she seems much like your MIL, but really, be an adult and be pleasant, for crying out loud. As we should be teaching our children: you don't have to like him or her, but you do have to be nice. Not everyone is as blessed as you.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 12:19
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Act happy to see the in-laws and then when we're leaving I exhale and mentally check that box for a while.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 10:58
Subject: Do you pretend to be happy to see MIL?
Anonymous wrote:Yes, just be polite, and know that you are being the bigger person here. I do the same, and feel that I am scoring one over on her by being able to be gracious and act with good manners.
+1