Anonymous
02/26/2015 12:50
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
You say he can't do "anything" but your examples are limited to phone calls. Personally, talking on the phone is one of my biggest phobias, so whenever possible I'll ask DH to do it. But I hardly think that means I can't do anything for myself- I have a decent job, and help take care of the kids and house, and would still be a functioning member of society if for whatever reason DH wasn't around.
So if it really is just this one area that he has trouble with, I'd probably continue helping him, but let him know that it is a strain on you too and you won't always be able to do it for him. If it is more than just this area, and you just gave limited examples, then I think PPs descriptions of lazy and incompetent are a bit more apt.
So if it really is just this one area that he has trouble with, I'd probably continue helping him, but let him know that it is a strain on you too and you won't always be able to do it for him. If it is more than just this area, and you just gave limited examples, then I think PPs descriptions of lazy and incompetent are a bit more apt.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 12:37
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
He might have social anxiety about cold calling businesses. He might feel uncomfortable speaking up.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 12:33
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
one word : LAZY.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 12:29
Subject: Re:Spouse can't do anything on his own
Can't and Won't are two different things. In this case it's won't. OP has two kids. One is still a baby the other an adult baby.
Don't whine if you're not putting an end to this. He's your BOYFRIEND. Easily replaced with a new MAN.
Don't whine if you're not putting an end to this. He's your BOYFRIEND. Easily replaced with a new MAN.
Anonymous
02/26/2015 12:24
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
There has to be more to this story than he can't make phone call from work to handle home stuff. You are saying that because he CAN"T make phone calls (not that he wont, but he is unable to do it because of work), that he is less of a man?!?!
So if you expect him to do yard work (very manly) and he is permanently injured where he CAN" do it anymore, he is less of a man?
Now if you are talking that you take care of all aspects of your home life, then yes you have something to gripe about. But not being able to make phone calls from work is not a reflection on his manhood or not pulling his weight!!
So if you expect him to do yard work (very manly) and he is permanently injured where he CAN" do it anymore, he is less of a man?
Now if you are talking that you take care of all aspects of your home life, then yes you have something to gripe about. But not being able to make phone calls from work is not a reflection on his manhood or not pulling his weight!!
Anonymous
02/26/2015 10:30
Subject: Re:Spouse can't do anything on his own
Over 20 years into a marriage like what you describe, OP. I really wish I had not don't the bulk of things just because I had the time and was being "helpful". We moved out of state twice in the last several years, and I did 90% of everything for the moves before, during, and after them. I hardly slept because I was so busy with them, while he hung out with his friend, etc. I asked and then demanded more help during, and he refused. I have so many more examples for you, but I'll stop there.
Change the dynamic NOW and stick to it. See if he can step up and be a grown-up. If he can't, ask yourself if you want to be with that the rest of your life.
Change the dynamic NOW and stick to it. See if he can step up and be a grown-up. If he can't, ask yourself if you want to be with that the rest of your life.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 20:01
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
OP, I highly depended on being able to do personal business at work without a screaming child. It was crucial to things getting handled. I am now a SAHM, and I am overwhelmed. There are just some things I feel I cannot take care of, and I lean on my husband to do them. But, he's also overwhelmed, so it's a negotiation.
If he can carry one at work, he needs a a smartphone with internet.
If he can carry one at work, he needs a a smartphone with internet.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 19:47
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
The answer to "Honey, can you do this is?" is, "I'm really busy, I have no time, so unfortunately I can't. What's wrong with your phone that you can't call?"
After doing this repeatedly he will stop asking.
After doing this repeatedly he will stop asking.
Anonymous
02/25/2015 19:46
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
Theoretically he CAN do all of these things himself + I bet if things came around to push and shove, he would have to if forced to.
It's just that he knows deep-down inside that you will eventually take care of everything for him so why does he have to bother? All he has to do is play the part of "Poor Helpless Me" and he's off the hook. As they say, a sucker is born every second. Sorry OP.
I say, stop being his Mom. It's so not sexy. Have him man up and take care of his own sh*#. And if he doesn't?? Oh well, then let him find out on his own if the world will end or not.
It's just that he knows deep-down inside that you will eventually take care of everything for him so why does he have to bother? All he has to do is play the part of "Poor Helpless Me" and he's off the hook. As they say, a sucker is born every second. Sorry OP.
I say, stop being his Mom. It's so not sexy. Have him man up and take care of his own sh*#. And if he doesn't?? Oh well, then let him find out on his own if the world will end or not.
Anonymous
02/24/2015 16:23
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child. We are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together for 3 years. The biggest problem I have with him is that he acts like he can't do anything for himself. It's like he can't handle his business. For example, if it comes to needing to call XYZ Business to find out about their services, he asks me to do it. If he needs to go buy something in particular, he asks me to call around to stores to see if they have it. I don't understand why he can't do things on his own. He works at a job where he cannot easily use his computer or phone to take care of personal business. At my job, I can use my time at anytime to take care of personal business. I understand that I have more time to take care of things, but I feel like he also needs to be more assertive in taking care of his business and handling things like a man. Do you think I should bring this up to him? Any thoughts?
That's not a spouse. Get married if you want to call him your spouse. He doesn't do anything for himself b/c he doesn't have to. Quit being a doormat and tell him HE needs to get off of his lazy ass and do this stuff. Why do women make babies WITH babies?
My goodness - sorry for the wrong choice of words. Is it that serious? Spouse, boyfriend, partner, idgaf. I don't see the big deal...
The big deal is it is a hell of a lot easier for you to leave the relationship if you are not married. You will have to sort out custody and support like any non-married parents, but you have no (legally) joint assets, there's no separation period, and no attorneys (other than if you need assistance working out custody and support). If you're not happy, leave. Over. Done.
Anonymous
02/24/2015 16:16
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
OP, I recommend that you start politely declining his requests but do so without any grandstanding *in general*. Just say, oh honey sorry, have a busy day, can't do that. Repeat as necessary. When he hears it twenty times in a row, he'll get the message. My DH used to do the same and I realized it doesn't do me any good to throw a fit when I can simply say no, and that's the end of that.
The only exception should be things that matter a great deal to YOU personally.
The only exception should be things that matter a great deal to YOU personally.
Anonymous
02/24/2015 15:10
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child. We are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together for 3 years. The biggest problem I have with him is that he acts like he can't do anything for himself. It's like he can't handle his business. For example, if it comes to needing to call XYZ Business to find out about their services, he asks me to do it. If he needs to go buy something in particular, he asks me to call around to stores to see if they have it. I don't understand why he can't do things on his own. He works at a job where he cannot easily use his computer or phone to take care of personal business. At my job, I can use my time at anytime to take care of personal business. I understand that I have more time to take care of things, but I feel like he also needs to be more assertive in taking care of his business and handling things like a man. Do you think I should bring this up to him? Any thoughts?
Why do I suspect this is a very loaded statement, and has to do with more than just making his own phone calls?
Anonymous
02/24/2015 14:33
Subject: Re:Spouse can't do anything on his own
There are good reasons for you doing things and him not. You have time and access to information/Internet to do some things that he does not have. But clearly he abuses this and takes advantage of you to do all of it.
Rather than cut him off cold turkey which could cause issues for your household, just selectively cut him off. You handle things that are time critical that he can't get to (calling the HVAC guy when your furnace stops working in winter, etc). But anything that isn't urgent or time critical "I'm sorry, I can't get to that" and you only worry about it if it becomes important to you. If it isn't, then leave it to him to do or not do. He'll get the idea when his priorities are not your priorities and may or may not get done until you're ready to do it.
Rather than cut him off cold turkey which could cause issues for your household, just selectively cut him off. You handle things that are time critical that he can't get to (calling the HVAC guy when your furnace stops working in winter, etc). But anything that isn't urgent or time critical "I'm sorry, I can't get to that" and you only worry about it if it becomes important to you. If it isn't, then leave it to him to do or not do. He'll get the idea when his priorities are not your priorities and may or may not get done until you're ready to do it.
Anonymous
02/24/2015 14:23
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
I have several co-workers who have their wives or mothers call them in sick. Always wonder about that...
Anonymous
02/24/2015 14:16
Subject: Spouse can't do anything on his own
Anonymous wrote:I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we have a 3 year old child. We are both in our mid-twenties and have been living together for 3 years. The biggest problem I have with him is that [/b]he acts like he can't do anything for himself. It's like he can't handle his business. For example, if it comes to needing to call XYZ Business to find out about their services, he asks me to do it. If he needs to go buy something in particular, he asks me to call around to stores to see if they have it. I don't understand why he can't do things on his own. [b] He works at a job where he cannot easily use his computer or phone to take care of personal business. At my job, I can use my time at anytime to take care of personal business. I understand that I have more time to take care of things, but I feel like he also needs to be more assertive in taking care of his business and handling things like a man. Do you think I should bring this up to him? Any thoughts?
You DO understand why he CANT do things on his own. The more accurate and unpleasant statement is "I angrily accept that I take on his responsibilities"
My toddler son helps unIoad the dishwasher and set the table the best way he can. My 70 year old father on the other hand " can't" do those things for a number of lame excuses.