Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she rejects it. I refuse to go to a financial planner, because we are fine. The planner will not tell me anything I don't know. Fine as in: we bought our house in 1999, before the runup, and while my salary has gone up 2.5x, the mortgage is about the same (2K per month on 160K/year income). The real issue on the finances is she never looks at the big picture; she sees sometimes we have very little in the checking account....but sometimes we have a lot.

It makes sense why you don't want to see a financial planner but are there reasons it might be useful for her to participate in a financial planning exercise with someone other than you? We did this a few years ago and really helped me and DH get to the same place on the bigger picture and longer term goals. Made his wine buying and my book buying seem insignificant because we were largely on track with mortgage, insurance, retirement etc.

Cancer has a different effect on people. It may be that you internalize your feelings and therefore distract yourself with cutting edge tech as a means of capsulizing time. Your wife could be externalizing and seeing these purchases as purely material goods when what she wants is a focus on "what really matters." Your wife may have a lot of fear and is reluctant to remove something you enjoy, but with every purchase you compound the problem.

Is the real issue that you are spending TIME and money on these electronic gadgets, rather than on hobbies that that could contribute to the family? Do you escape your wife and daughter with your electronic toys?

How much savings outside of retirement do you have? It sounds like you handle the money on your own. Is your wife engaged in your finances at all?

Honestly, if I were her, I'd be pretty peeved about my spouse spending $1k on a new laptop and somehow saying it's ok, because I color my hair once a month. Frankly, I'd be tempted to bang him over the head with said laptop and tell him to be grateful it wasn't a frying pan.

I really think you guys could benefit from doing a Dave Ramsey "Financial Peace University" course together. He does have a religous element in his coursework, but I think it's easy enough to ignore that part if it doesn't speak to you and I think it would really be beneficial for you both to go through it.

I understand both your perspectives. Maybe you can compromise with her and scale back some of your toys. Why, for example, do you need new tablet, phone, camera and laptop every year? $3k a year doesn't sound like a lot for these things to me (as an Apple person), but I can understand why your wife would balk at big ticket items, especially when it seems like you JUST got a new tablet/phone/camera/computer.

Upgrading your laptop for speed makes sense. Getting a hybrid tablet and selling your iPad makes sense as well. If you are getting a new DSLR camera every year, that doesn't make sense. If you are upgrading your phone every year, that doesn't make sense either.

It sounds like you don't have much in liquid funds. That would make me uncomfortable, especially with huge looming medical bills and possible loss of a spouse.

You may be comfortable with how your finances are set up, but if your wife doesn't handle the finances and all she sees is a low balance in the checking account and you with a new gadget, it's not surprising she would object. I think there are lots of possible solutions here, which may include keeping more funds liquid and accessible.

It sounds like this argument is so not about technology toys or beauty stuff. If your wife won't go to therapy, you should try a few sessions on your own-or compromise and tell her that you will see the financial planner if she will see a couples therapist.

Anonymous wrote:" The stuff I don't care about is monthly hair coloring, and something at a cosmetic care specialist, which I do not know what it is for...those total $200/month. "

Your wife will spend a lot more than this on beauty stuff when she is looking for her next husband.

Wow, that's a pretty rough thing to say to a guy battling Cancer, even for DCUM.

I'm a DH and a tech buff as well. My DW comments that my home office looks like the deck of the Enterprise. So I get you. I'm not going to offer advice, but I'll just wish you best of luck in your health battle.

" The stuff I don't care about is monthly hair coloring, and something at a cosmetic care specialist, which I do not know what it is for...those total $200/month. "

Your wife will spend a lot more than this on beauty stuff when she is looking for her next husband.

I'm sorry about the cancer, that sucks.

But I would not be happy about that level of spending on technology. If we only saved 15k a year and my husband spent 1k without my agreement I would be livid. I understand needing an upgrade for work, but 3k a year? You need one computer, one family camera, one phone...you don't need new ones every year. I don't think you can compare this to her hair appointments and personal care.

Can you spend the money on family experiences? Dinners out, trips, fun weekend activities? All of these toys are dividing your family and seems like a ridiculous thing to have to go to counselling over.

I get keeping up with technology for your job, but if you have last year's iPad, I would be pissed to that you are getting a new one year after year, same with camera's, phones, and computers. There is a balance and all technology is outdated in six months. Perhaps, in stead of spending it on computers, you could spend it doing something nice for your wife, especially if she has taken care of you through your illnesses.

She is probably very worried about you passing away. Its not just about the money for her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling panicked and out of control because of your cancer diagnosis. She's worried. When people are feeling out of control, they try to grab onto things they think they can control. Your spending may be one of them.

You might want to sit down with an objective third party. In this case a financial planner could be that objective voice. Or you could go talk with a marriage counselor for a few sessions to get at the root of this and work out a plan where you get to have your "toys" and she feels in control.

I have suggested marriage counseling, but she rejects it. I refuse to go to a financial planner, because we are fine. The planner will not tell me anything I don't know. Fine as in: we bought our house in 1999, before the runup, and while my salary has gone up 2.5x, the mortgage is about the same (2K per month on 160K/year income). The real issue on the finances is she never looks at the big picture; she sees sometimes we have very little in the checking account....but sometimes we have a lot.

But they might tell your wife something *she* doesn't know, or explain it to her in a way she will process better than when it comes from you. They might also be able to find things - like a PT job - that would give your wife more feelings of control.

On the marriage counseling front - would she be more open to it if it were approached as something to do *in light of your health conditions?* Plenty of people need help navigating the 'what does this mean' of a serious medical diagnosis.

And to echo the other PPs - I am so sorry about your cancer.

This...she might just believe an 'expert' more than you. And one session with a financial planner is worth some harmony in your marriage, yes?

OP here. I am going to respond to the questions in a group.

1) Long Term care insurance: no, but I do have disability insurance, long term, which will cover me at 66% of my income (and is not taxable). Short term is 100%. If something happens, I probably would go quickly, like within a year.

2) I sell or hand down the older technology. In the case of the new tablet, my iPad will be sold, but I will only get about $300. (iPad Air w/ LTE, 64 Gb). Computers are handed down or donated to the schools.

3) I factor in social security, but it is not needed.

4) The stuff I don't care about is monthly hair coloring, and something at a cosmetic care specialist, which I do not know what it is for...those total $200/month.

5) The 15K in positive cash flow is savings per year, mostly going into long term (non-liquid) investments. This is after medical...

It sounds like you want to have the latest and greatest. Do you at least sell the older generations when you upgrade? It is pretty easy to do on ebay and if you are getting apple products they have a really high resell value. I just looked up my 2011 Mac Book Pro and I can probably get close to $600 for it. Also, do you have a liquid emergency fund?

Does your wife want to go to a financial counselor? I agree with a PP that it would be to help her--and possibly you. We have a similar mortgage/income, and we're not spending that much on tech, nor do we have such medical expenses (but we do have daycare).

If my husband had a good chance of dying in the next five years, I'd sure as heck be sitting down with a financial counselor at some point.

I agree with the PP that you should insist on counseling--but I think I'd be insisting on a session with a financial counselor as part of it.