OP Here - It's comforting to not be alone, but it stinks we're in this situation to begin with. DH and I had a nice long talk Friday night, and the weekend was much better. We rallied together and cleaned the entire house (needed it), and discussed a redistribution of chores. My fingers are crossed this time is different, but in the back of my mind is the worry.

At least it's a step in the right direction. I'm still researching marital counselors, any recommendations? We still think it would be helpful to be able to talk in that sort of environment.

Agree with PP.

It's called doing something half-@ssed at home but perfectly at work. It's disrespectful to your wife and family. Learn to do basic things right and you won't have nearly as many arguments as before.

Do you know how stupid it is to have to tell a grown man who has 2 graduate degrees, top of class, to put his dirty underwear 5 feet into the hamper? Or put your amaZin packaging wrap into the garbage I stand of leaving it on the counter for days? At some point it isn't him being stupid or "absent-minded", it's him not giving a krap and expecting his wife to do everything. It's entitlement, it is laziness, it is rude and disrespectful.

And the kicker is the gas lighting attempts: "'oh how dare you get angry at me to do something (you've told me 8 times to do this week). You're crazy and over-reacting. You should really choose what to get angry about.'"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - If we want something edible for dinner no. I love to cook, I would rather DH play with her while I cook or play with her after dinner.

DH here. I'm in a similar marriage and just want to give a guy's perspective on something you said. When I read the sentence above- it looks like perhaps he can try his best at something and it still won't be good enough. So what's the point of trying at all?!? By no means am I saying the problems are all your fault, just like my own dissatisfying marriage. But if/when your husband tries to help with something outside his comfort zone- thank him for the effort even if the grilled cheese is burned and the tomato soup is from a can and scalded. Thank him for doing the laundry, don't point out that he put something in the dryer that should air dry.

But you're not alone OP. Its a vicious cycle where anger, resentment, and disappointment feed off themselves. I know that personally I've found myself focusing on the stuff that reinforces existing negative thoughts and attitudes. So I can rationalize one of those "fuck it, why bother?" days that almost certainly contributes to my wife's negative outlook on things.

It sucks.

I kind of hear what you're saying. But, we are talking basic tasks here (in your examples). If you don't want to be treated like the bumbling fathers, as I often hear on this Board, then act like. Learn to not shrink the laundry by drying it. Learn to make a stinking grilled cheese, guys. It's not rocket science. Sorry, but I have not patience for the martyr card.

Ugh, I'm in the same exact situation. And expecting child #2 soon.

DH just likes to work all the time, his face is glued to his work phone all day, night, he can't remember jack, he is clueless about the house and household, he loses or breaks things all the time, and then if he does 2-3 things one weekend (cook breakfast, file some house paperwork, go get bagels) he feels like a hero. It's like he doesn't know the List of Things to DO is 100 things long. He can't even name 10% of the list. Our first kid is 2 yo and he still can't get it together to get life insurance b/c he "is too busy" to get the damn physical.

We continue to talk about it, things ebb/flow. it's just beyond disappointing. I feel like its 3 steps FW, and 2 steps back all the frickin' time.

Meanwhile, he'll always send his mother and father their cards and presents ahead of time! And kiss @ss at work and with friends/acquaintances. He was just yelling at me today why I hadn't emailed back his friend who asked me a work-related question.

Make sure you are on birth control until you sort this out!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP Here - I completely understand your perspective, but really cooking isn't something DH wants to accomplish (he doesn't try and has made it clear it's not something he wants to try.). When he is responsible for dinner he runs out and picks up something (which I fully appreciate and tell him so). I don't micromanage him at all. When DD is doing something with him I don't interject, don't correct, just smile and encourage. Having a child was outside his comfort zone. He loves DD a great deal, I don't question that at all, nor do I question his skills as a father, but our relationship has deteriorated.

I get that- plus you love to cook. I'm sure I'm projecting my shit into your story. Last night my wife was running late, asked me to "whip something up" for dinner. I pick up pork steaks, cauliflower, augraten potatos (all on sale, thank you) and have a pretty nice dinner on the table when she and DD get home....and she was disappointed in my choice because she was planning on making pork chops tonight and I messed up her weekly menu.

Perhaps that's why I singled out that sentence.

I also understand what you mean about both initiating sex but ultimately, its just not worth the trouble to try.

The only suggestion I'd make- and I'm far from an expert- is to continue talking with him. We tend to avoid talking because it means we won't fight. But it also doesn't mean that we're not moving from "not unhappy" into "happy". It won't get any better without hard work from both of you. At least that's been the case with us.

This DW would happily eat pork two nights in a row then!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there is an epidemic of this. Both work full time but the woman is stuck with the third shift. I know it's a problem in my marriage. In my case, it's magnified by the fact that DH earns 4x what I do - though our jobs are equally demanding.

OMG, yes. My DH does help out quite a bit, but it's frustrating that all my hard work is minimized due to my comparatively small salary. My job is much more difficult/hellish/demanding, but pays less than half of what his does. Still, it's necessary for me to have it in order to pay our bills. Meanwhile, I feel like it gets treated like some kind of hobby because he makes so much more money. Dude, DH, if I could afford to quit, I would, but we both know I can't, so drop the belittling attitude, please. You knew going in what I did for a living.

NP. Same problem in our house.

I'm the first poster. I think this is probably a common problem - but what is the solution? I DO think his job is more important because our family would be fine without my job but screwed without his. I just feel worn out by the lack of equity re domestic stuff. We outsource a lot of household work (cleaning, yard) but what is killing me is that no way no how does he get up with the baby. The baby is one and is just a terrible sleeper - currently waking 2x a night because has a cold. UGH. After a year of no sleep I'm turning into such a bitch.

And just to vent a little more, I also feel worn out by the "obligation" to stay slim/toned/highlighted/fashionable. It's all such a damn lot of work - while he gets to have some chub & run his fingers through his hair and roll out the door. But again, what's to be done? I don't want to "let myself go" . . . I'm just struck by the fundamental unfairness of being female basically.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there is an epidemic of this. Both work full time but the woman is stuck with the third shift. I know it's a problem in my marriage. In my case, it's magnified by the fact that DH earns 4x what I do - though our jobs are equally demanding.

OMG, yes. My DH does help out quite a bit, but it's frustrating that all my hard work is minimized due to my comparatively small salary. My job is much more difficult/hellish/demanding, but pays less than half of what his does. Still, it's necessary for me to have it in order to pay our bills. Meanwhile, I feel like it gets treated like some kind of hobby because he makes so much more money. Dude, DH, if I could afford to quit, I would, but we both know I can't, so drop the belittling attitude, please. You knew going in what I did for a living.

NP. Same problem in our house.

I'm the first poster. I think this is probably a common problem - but what is the solution? I DO think his job is more important because our family would be fine without my job but screwed without his. I just feel worn out by the lack of equity re domestic stuff. We outsource a lot of household work (cleaning, yard) but what is killing me is that no way no how does he get up with the baby. The baby is one and is just a terrible sleeper - currently waking 2x a night because has a cold. UGH. After a year of no sleep I'm turning into such a bitch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there is an epidemic of this. Both work full time but the woman is stuck with the third shift. I know it's a problem in my marriage. In my case, it's magnified by the fact that DH earns 4x what I do - though our jobs are equally demanding.

OMG, yes. My DH does help out quite a bit, but it's frustrating that all my hard work is minimized due to my comparatively small salary. My job is much more difficult/hellish/demanding, but pays less than half of what his does. Still, it's necessary for me to have it in order to pay our bills. Meanwhile, I feel like it gets treated like some kind of hobby because he makes so much more money. Dude, DH, if I could afford to quit, I would, but we both know I can't, so drop the belittling attitude, please. You knew going in what I did for a living.

NP. Same problem in our house.

OP, get off the internet. Take a vacation. Something

Anonymous wrote:OP. My advice is for you to spend three nights a week doing something completely outside of the home. Take a class, go to a cafe, or gym. Whatever it is. Leave you husband alone to get your daughter fed, cleaned, and asleep.

He is going to screw this up. It's going to be mess. And he's bitch and complain. But here's the thing about a lot of guys, they won't take the initiative unless they are alone with their children because they feel like they are clueless and don't want to screw up in front of you.

Explain that you are taking a "mandatory class on T-W-TH" and won't be home until 8:30. See what happens. He'll either step up and will improve as a parenting partner or will be a hot mess with no effort or attempt for improvement in which case you know this and can take the next steps necessary to move on to a life of single parenting (since you already are).

As for connecting with your DH, put that to the side for the moment. Try to fix the parenting/partner issue. That may lead to better in roads.

I think this is a great idea. I remember my husband used to always complain that I never cooked. He was doing 100% of the cooking for the household. It wasn't because I was lazy but because I was a horrible cook and I had failed at it in the past and was scared to try. Well my Dh got a job that required working late in the evening on some nights and it forced me to cook (I bought a bunch of cookbooks and watched food network) or be stuck with take out which I didn't want the kids loading up on so I had no choice but to learn to cook and now I love cooking and am so much better at it. He just needs a chance to build his confidence in the areas where he is failing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there is an epidemic of this. Both work full time but the woman is stuck with the third shift. I know it's a problem in my marriage. In my case, it's magnified by the fact that DH earns 4x what I do - though our jobs are equally demanding.

OMG, yes. My DH does help out quite a bit, but it's frustrating that all my hard work is minimized due to my comparatively small salary. My job is much more difficult/hellish/demanding, but pays less than half of what his does. Still, it's necessary for me to have it in order to pay our bills. Meanwhile, I feel like it gets treated like some kind of hobby because he makes so much more money. Dude, DH, if I could afford to quit, I would, but we both know I can't, so drop the belittling attitude, please. You knew going in what I did for a living.

I'm sorry to all the wives out there where their husbands minimize the financial contributions that they make. I can relate to all the frustrations of the women picking up the 3rd shift. In my case, i make more than my husband and still have the responsibility of remembering everything. Even when it's his responsibility he forgets a lot of the things and then it becomes my job to remember or take care of it afterward.

My husband (I hate using "DH" when i don't feel that great towards him right now) does a lot with respect to the kids, some of it b/c I saw where things were going when we were first married before kids so I started getting him used to taking on more responsibilities. (It's like our parents' generation thought that their sons would have their wives to take care of them so they never held them accountable for learning how to take care of a house or raise kids) I figured this way we wouldn't completely sink when we became parents.

Even with that, it's still exhausting. It came to a head recently while our nanny was out on sick leave as I was shuttling both kids in to day care and since it's on site at my work I was getting very little done w/ having to run down to respond to situations in the day care for both infant or toddler and having to find time to pump. I know that compared to a lot of other husbands mine does a lot; however, who cares if he does more than other men. Why has the bar been set so low?

And another thing. I'm sick of the threads where people tell the SAHM that it's their job to do all the house stuff and child care even after the work day b/c the man is exhausted from having to carry the family financially and needs to unwind. I think it can be a lot more relaxing to have no other responsibilities for another human being while at work versus having one or more little human beings dependent on you for their care. Although I wish I could have stayed home on maternity leave longer, it was heaven being able to use the bathroom by myself when I returned to work.

Anyway, it does make me feel a bit better to know others out there are going through the same things and it's not just us.

My advice is to start recognizing the things you do for each other. You're basically fighting about workload, yes? So recognize the fact he changed a lightbulb and think, "glad that's done!" instead of "dammit, doesn't he see we need the dishwasher emptied not a stupid light bulb?!?!"

Start positive reinforcement of each other.

Then start making small changes in routine. Little rules like no couch time until 8pm. Stay off the wifi until the kids are asleep. That way you both sit down together at the same time to relax.

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there is an epidemic of this. Both work full time but the woman is stuck with the third shift. I know it's a problem in my marriage. In my case, it's magnified by the fact that DH earns 4x what I do - though our jobs are equally demanding.

OMG, yes. My DH does help out quite a bit, but it's frustrating that all my hard work is minimized due to my comparatively small salary. My job is much more difficult/hellish/demanding, but pays less than half of what his does. Still, it's necessary for me to have it in order to pay our bills. Meanwhile, I feel like it gets treated like some kind of hobby because he makes so much more money. Dude, DH, if I could afford to quit, I would, but we both know I can't, so drop the belittling attitude, please. You knew going in what I did for a living.

Anonymous wrote:You either make peace with having a not good enough meal, putting wrong pants on the child, taking her to the wrong park and feeding her the wrong snack or you will be stuck forever doing everything by yourself because only you can do it perfectly up to your own standards. The children suffer from tensions in the marriage. Decide what matters to you and let go of the rest, he needs space and encouragement to pull his own weight. Even if something is done crooked - give praise and move forward, together.

OP Here - Goodness, I enjoy cooking! Food isn't the issue! It's that I end up watching DD while I cook while DH sits on the couch on his phone or laptop (browsing the web, not working). I mentioned that last night again (after I asked him again to join me for counseling, which he agreed this time) and he immediately got up and played with her. We talked a bit after she went to bed and agreed we need to shuffle some things around (chores and what not), get a better schedule going (setting specific time that's just hime and DD), and talking to someone about our obvious intimacy issues. Fingers crossed this time things change.