If you think it's anxiety, I can highly recommend "What to do if you worry too much" (book) *and* the "Turnaround:Turning fear into freedom" audio series. Both written for kid-level audiences.

Also, if the fear is based on poor performance (real or imagined), then don't hesitate to get a tutor--someone who can really help your DD learn and understand what she's having difficulty with. Make sure she understands that challenges are NORMAL and a sign that she is LEARNING NEW THINGS. The trick is to not give up, but to have some strategies for managing worry, stress, and challenges with learning.

OP, I am going to agree and disagree with many of the posters.

This could have been my DD at age 13. She was sent to school with a kind remark about hoping she'd feel better. There were a few things that didn't seem right in addition to headaches and stomachaches; I put them in the back of my mind for future reference. One of these was that my formerly very active child became a complete couch potato (which I chalked up to adolescent hormonal changes).

After nearly six months of this she had a fainting episode. I took her to the doctor and everything checked out. About a week later I called the doctor and said I just didn't feel comfortable and mentioned that DD got hives on her back at least weekly. The pediatrician then referred her to an allergist who found, in one visit, DD had severe environmental allergies and asthma and all her sinus cavities were almost completely blocked. It took two sinus surgeries to correct the problem.

Neither the pediatrician nor I had picked this up because DD had no sniffles, no red eyes, nothing--everything had just gone straight to her sinuses, and she felt no pain when they were pressed.

Here's what I would do in retrospect. Enlist her help in seeing if you can identify what the problem could be--make it a fun mystery. Keep a written list of every odd thing--one thing I wouldn't have noticed then but found out later was a big clue was that DD had stopped breathing through her nose and was mouth breathing.

Make the list specific--if she has a headache, find out where it is on her head. If she says she has a stomach ache make her localize it. Note what she is eating and what her activities are and how she is sleeping 9very important). If she goes to the school nurse, ask the nurse to report to you in the same detail. (Tell the nurse you suspect allergies and are making a record for the doctor.) If your DD is forthright about bodily functions, you may be able to note things about her bowel functions, but if not I would tread lightly on this one, even though constipation could be an issue for your DD and the source of her problems.

See what kind of pattern you find after two weeks or so. Something pretty solid may be obvious by then and you can report it to the doctor. If not, try taking some things out of her diet and see if there is improvement. Dairy and wheat can be the biggest offenders. Start with one, then try the other. Then sit back and look at everything. If nothing changes you could be dealing with just anxiety. But you could be seeing a pattern you can then report to the doctor.

It is important to remember that doctors can't really deal with diffuse nonspecific symptoms like headaches and stomach aches. They can deal with objective symptoms--in our case it was the hives that led the pediatrician to make a referral. The more objective signs you can pick up the better.

Good luck!

She could also have IBS or something similar. Again, she needs to go to school, but maybe a visit to your ped is in order?

Might it be better to have a one-on-one talk with a couple selected teachers DD likes? Rather than put this in writing to all teachers, which means it could end up in her student file, draw too much attention from counseling, and maybe make teachers perceive her differently afterward?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you everyone who responded. I like the idea of cracking down (you only stay home / visit the nurse if fever and vomiting) while simultaneously keeping an eye on the symptoms and visiting a specialist if they persist.

I do want to write to the school counselor and her teachers as well. Just to let them know that we know there is a problem, and that we are working to address it. I wouldn't want them to dismiss her as a kid who doesn't care about her grades (or has parents who don't care if she's in school or not.) Any suggestions on how to best word it?

Exactly what you just said. To the point.

We realize DD's grades are slipping. She is having complaints of various mild symptoms and not wanting to go to school. We are trying to address it. Any feedback, observations or suggestions would be appreciated.

I was like this. Mostly because I was bullied, but also because I was always poorly rested and felt like complete garbage in the morning as a result. Poor sleep, not enough sleep, low blood sugar, postnasal drip, silent reflux, or just "not a morning person-itis" could be contributing. I'd believe her, but would make push through anyway, just like you're doing. The crumminess wears off as the day goes on.

She is playing you big time. Send her ass to school.

OP here. Thank you everyone who responded. I like the idea of cracking down (you only stay home / visit the nurse if fever and vomiting) while simultaneously keeping an eye on the symptoms and visiting a specialist if they persist.

I do want to write to the school counselor and her teachers as well. Just to let them know that we know there is a problem, and that we are working to address it. I wouldn't want them to dismiss her as a kid who doesn't care about her grades (or has parents who don't care if she's in school or not.) Any suggestions on how to best word it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

You know what? All kids have anxieties and so do adults. All of this labeling and coddling has gotten out of control. 99% of middle schools do not want to go to school. Puberty is a tough time. So I agree with the mild empathy but why every single post on this forum always goes to a label within the first page really scares me. Kids can be quirky, not attentive, stressed, introvert, immature etc... It doesn't mean they need a label as an excuse. It is their personality. I think parents just want their kids to be perfect all the time. Having a label gets them off the hook.

OP - unless there is a fever or vomiting, the kid goes to school.

Grrrr . . . children are not cans of soup. They do not have labels. They have medical diagnoses, or they don't. They can be misdiagnosed but that is not a label. You do a real disservice to those of us whose children have actual medical diagnoses with this kind of attitude.

No one is saying OP should coddle her DD. To the contrary, all of us who have been there and done that are urging her to send her DD to school, regardless. No one is saying she has an excuse. But those of us who have been there have offered some advice based on experience. My DD was like this and it blossomed into full blown school refusal, driven by depression and anxiety. She didn't have drama with friends and was an excellent student. I didn't want her to be perfect. I wanted her to go to school.

If you read the OP's post she mentioned the "labeled" part. My concern is the hoards of people with kids that have supposed medical diagnoses. You just all jump in with "it is anxiety, get her checked, take her to a neuropsych, a psychiatrist etc..!!"

One way for my child to not feel normal or give her anxiety? Tell her I am taking her to a neuropsych eval and then she will speak to a shrink.

How about the mom just sends the kid to school and keeps an eye on her complaints. If they are going away, she was getting played. If they aren't, then she starts to writes them down and see if they are in line with her menstrual cycle. She checks/improves diet. Checks with teachers to see if there are any changes in behavior. Has the guidance counselor keep a loose eye on her. I mean there are so many other things to do BEFORE jumping the gun on anxiety. Kids have bad days. Many do dumb things and don't want to face the crowd. Others lose a friend. Some can't handle their periods. Others don't understand their hormones and think something is wrong with them. You all make it seem like you want more on your bandwagon. Take it down a notch.

I think the helicoptering and need for an answer from parents is why most kids are this way. They already feel awkward as it is. Sending them to a psychiatrist right off the bat is like waving the red "you are a freak" flag.

See a specialist

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

You know what? All kids have anxieties and so do adults. All of this labeling and coddling has gotten out of control. 99% of middle schools do not want to go to school. Puberty is a tough time. So I agree with the mild empathy but why every single post on this forum always goes to a label within the first page really scares me. Kids can be quirky, not attentive, stressed, introvert, immature etc... It doesn't mean they need a label as an excuse. It is their personality. I think parents just want their kids to be perfect all the time. Having a label gets them off the hook.

OP - unless there is a fever or vomiting, the kid goes to school.

Grrrr . . . children are not cans of soup. They do not have labels. They have medical diagnoses, or they don't. They can be misdiagnosed but that is not a label. You do a real disservice to those of us whose children have actual medical diagnoses with this kind of attitude.

No one is saying OP should coddle her DD. To the contrary, all of us who have been there and done that are urging her to send her DD to school, regardless. No one is saying she has an excuse. But those of us who have been there have offered some advice based on experience. My DD was like this and it blossomed into full blown school refusal, driven by depression and anxiety. She didn't have drama with friends and was an excellent student. I didn't want her to be perfect. I wanted her to go to school.

If you read the OP's post she mentioned the "labeled" part. My concern is the hoards of people with kids that have supposed medical diagnoses. You just all jump in with "it is anxiety, get her checked, take her to a neuropsych, a psychiatrist etc..!!"

One way for my child to not feel normal or give her anxiety? Tell her I am taking her to a neuropsych eval and then she will speak to a shrink.

How about the mom just sends the kid to school and keeps an eye on her complaints. If they are going away, she was getting played. If they aren't, then she starts to writes them down and see if they are in line with her menstrual cycle. She checks/improves diet. Checks with teachers to see if there are any changes in behavior. Has the guidance counselor keep a loose eye on her. I mean there are so many other things to do BEFORE jumping the gun on anxiety. Kids have bad days. Many do dumb things and don't want to face the crowd. Others lose a friend. Some can't handle their periods. Others don't understand their hormones and think something is wrong with them. You all make it seem like you want more on your bandwagon. Take it down a notch.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

You know what? All kids have anxieties and so do adults. All of this labeling and coddling has gotten out of control. 99% of middle schools do not want to go to school. Puberty is a tough time. So I agree with the mild empathy but why every single post on this forum always goes to a label within the first page really scares me. Kids can be quirky, not attentive, stressed, introvert, immature etc... It doesn't mean they need a label as an excuse. It is their personality. I think parents just want their kids to be perfect all the time. Having a label gets them off the hook.

OP - unless there is a fever or vomiting, the kid goes to school.

Grrrr . . . children are not cans of soup. They do not have labels. They have medical diagnoses, or they don't. They can be misdiagnosed but that is not a label. You do a real disservice to those of us whose children have actual medical diagnoses with this kind of attitude.

No one is saying OP should coddle her DD. To the contrary, all of us who have been there and done that are urging her to send her DD to school, regardless. No one is saying she has an excuse. But those of us who have been there have offered some advice based on experience. My DD was like this and it blossomed into full blown school refusal, driven by depression and anxiety. She didn't have drama with friends and was an excellent student. I didn't want her to be perfect. I wanted her to go to school.

Anonymous wrote:

stomach = anxiety

And it also means PMS cramps, not eating properly, dehydrated, and even a fake excuse. But good job getting the OP anxious about anxiety right away.

What does headache mean? Depression

What does sore throat mean? Bipolar

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing you.

As a parent of a kid with severe school based anxiety, it's not a matter of "playing" the adult. Anxiety is an illness, and it can both cause physical symptoms (e.g. her head really does hurt) or amplify physical symptoms (e.g. what would normally be manageable discomfort becomes unmanageable). When my son tells me that he feels too sick to go to school, he's telling the truth. He does feel lousy, it's just that keeping him home isn't going to make it better in the long run. So, I send him to school, but I do it with empathy, because I realize that the issue is an illness not manipulation. I can say "I'm sorry, I know you feel bad, and I know you really don't want to go to school, but if you stay home tomorrow will be worse. So, let's get going."

You know what? All kids have anxieties and so do adults. All of this labeling and coddling has gotten out of control. 99% of middle schools do not want to go to school. Puberty is a tough time. So I agree with the mild empathy but why every single post on this forum always goes to a label within the first page really scares me. Kids can be quirky, not attentive, stressed, introvert, immature etc... It doesn't mean they need a label as an excuse. It is their personality. I think parents just want their kids to be perfect all the time. Having a label gets them off the hook.

OP - unless there is a fever or vomiting, the kid goes to school.

stomach = anxiety