This is my mother. Everyone thinks she's fabulous - a real do-gooder. They're dumbfounded that a woman as wonderful has her has kids that just don't appreciate the amazing, kind, generous, giving woman she is. None of them realize that she's always but everyone else's needs above ours - the needs of her husband were always at the top no matter how outrageous and no matter how they were detrimental to her kids.

He may have low self-esteem - the whole "doesn't want to be part of a club that would have him as a member" thing. So this makes him a people-pleaser with others, because he wants to be liked and accepted. He knows that you're not going anywhere; you're his safe place to let it all hang out.
And yes, as PP said, he perceives you as an extension of himself, so he just doesn't put forth the effort. That's just my 2 cents.

Anonymous wrote:
On the other side, I know I'm a ton more patient and pleasant with strangers than I am with DH. My fuse is very long with everyone else, but I can quickly be irritated with DH.

I had an ex-gf who used to piss me off by being a crab some days when she was around me but pulling it together and treating acquaintances properly. I thought, "if she can pull it together for them, why not for me - the person she claims to love?" I didn't really get it until I had young kids in school. They'd be model citizens in school but once they got home, tired from holding it together all day, they'd fall apart a little and be crabby or emotional or whatever. The crabbiness can be a function of relaxing around a person.

Anonymous wrote:Is he only helping male friends? Gay?

OP here. No difference in male/female coworkers, friends, acquaintances. He does it with both. Definitely not gay.

I could have written a post similar to yours, OP. DH seems extremely likable and easygoing to outsiders, but is very often a basket case with us, his family. I always ask him why strangers get the best of him and the people he loves the most get the very worst. A lot of this is just being able to be an adult and self-regulate. You have to be kind and considerate to your family, not because you want to, but because they are your family. Just because you are sleepy or hungry or had a long day at work does not mean you get to be snippy, impatient, and mean with everyone else.

+1000

All of your PPs with stories like this, I totally have a parent like this. The difference is we've finally clued in on the pattern of behavior and call them out on it at every turn. Of course, that's its own set of stress.

I'm just adding to the chorus. My DH is like this. He helps everyone else.

He says he oes not help me because I'm so strong and capable...... I don't think that's true, but that's what he says.

On the other side, I know I'm a ton more patient and pleasant with strangers than I am with DH. My fuse is very long with everyone else, but I can quickly be irritated with DH.

Why is this? I want help, he wants me to be nicer. I want to treat DH well, and I do in many other ways. It shouldn't be this hard.

Anonymous wrote:Public vs private persona

+1

Also he may see you as almost an extension of himself so feel less eager to help you. Probably doesn't make much sense, but I think I do this a bit.

I could have written a post similar to yours, OP. DH seems extremely likable and easygoing to outsiders, but is very often a basket case with us, his family. I always ask him why strangers get the best of him and the people he loves the most get the very worst. A lot of this is just being able to be an adult and self-regulate. You have to be kind and considerate to your family, not because you want to, but because they are your family. Just because you are sleepy or hungry or had a long day at work does not mean you get to be snippy, impatient, and mean with everyone else.

Anonymous wrote:My DH is similar. I lost it the other night when I heard him on the phone at 9pm offering to help someone with a work presentation the next day. I mean, dude, you're working at 9pm. I don't care if only takes you 20 minutes to help them, that's 20 more minutes you're spending on work rather than your family.

My DH's penchant to help people is only in the work arena, though. That's why it pisses me off-- don't tell me how busy you are and then offer to help do other peoples' work.

this is a workaholic

Evolutionary biology. Your family is (supposedly) on your team already. You help others outside the family unit to build allies and friends in case their help is ever needed. We do this unconsciously. But it springs from our past, living in groups.

Public vs private persona

You get more credit when you do stuff for outsiders. They don't take you for granted nearly as much.

It's kind of like in a business organization. You want to be in one of the jobs that gets credit for doing well instead of in one of the jobs that only gets noticed when something goes wrong.

DH is like you describe in many ways but doesn't treat us quite as poorly as yours - he is quite kind but not empathetic, supportive or overall very helpful unless it is strictly on his terms (which is difficult once you have kids). Overall, though I could have written this post.

DH is a middle child and I see similarities with my middle sister. They have this almost pathological need to be liked by everyone, maybe because they were lost in the middle growing up.

I think it's ego stroking for DH - he loves the feeling of helping and getting thanked for it and then telling the story to anyone who will listen. I don't expect to be thanked every time I do something around the house but he does partly because of his ego and also because he does so little overall. It takes FOREVER for home repairs that he is going to do to get done. God forbid we ask about when it might get done too.

OTOH, I too have plenty of faults as an adult child of an alcoholic so I do have to be careful not to call the kettle black