Anonymous
Post 02/19/2015 05:45     Subject: estranged from a parent?
OP, your mother sounds borderline. Borderline people often create intense interpersonal conflict and then fail to understand why people in their lives "hold a grudge" or even forget completely (it's almost like they have amnesia) the stress and strain of the immense underlying conflict.

Her telling you that you could no longer live in your home after she remarried sounds borderline to me. Then failing to realize this continues to be the reason why you can't be close to her, or that she needs to account for it/apologize. Also very typical borderline behavior.

Your disinviting her to the wedding sounds like immaturity to me or it could just be a logical way of dealing with a borderline person who was going to stir the shit on your wedding day. I wish I could have kept my borderline mother away from my wedding.

At any rate, what to do? She doesn't sound necessary to your life and frankly she doesn't sound like she ever played much of a mothering role to you. The posters who are advocating reunion with her have a perception of a mother/daughter relationship and family ties that while true in many families does not always hold true. Are you going to be inviting chaos and dissension back into your life? I definitely would not choose that. Because the kind of drama you refer to in your teenage years will NOT have gone away. Peoples' core personalities intensify as they get older and she will be more "herself" than ever.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 21:33     Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, You say your sister has a close relationship with your mother. What's her take on the situation?


I have a brother and a sister. The sister is very close to my mother and when this all happened she was 13. I know it has hurt her a lot. She's very sensitive. We are fairly close and talk/text frequently but my sister lives thousands of miles away from me, is not married and has no children. I do know that she was a major proponent of this current push for my mother to reach out and if she hadn't encourage it I don't know if my mom would have tried to be honest. So she's thrilled right now.
My brother is the youngest and kind of uninvolved in the whole thing. He also lives very far away and is married with a toddler. We keep in touch, his wife is wonderful, but we don't see them often either, because of distance primarily (he's overseas).
Both of them have had their issues with my mom as well, but have gotten over them.

I should add that my mom is on her 3rd marriage. I am from her first, they divorced when I was a baby, my mom remarried when I was a toddler and my sister and brother are from that 2nd marriage. My mom and stepdad divorced when I was in high school and I am quite close to my stepdad today. My own father passed away when I was a child. I didn't have some horrible childhood, I wasn't abused or anything. I think what happened/caused so much drama as a teen is that I was a difficult teenager- I have a much stronger and more assertive personality than my mom. Also my mom tried very hard to be my friend and cool all the time. And she told me things that I don't think were appropriate at the time (now that I'm an adult) about her relationship, plans for divorce, etc. While overall I was a "good kid" I was definitely defiant, screamed at her, attitude, etc. And while I was an adult when she told me to leave, I was a college student living in a dorm in another state. I am not sure what she expected me to do on school breaks, summers, etc. I went to my stepdad and he said, of course you will stay with me, my home is your home. He never let me down no matter how terrible I was to him in my teens and for that I am extremely thankful. He didn't have to do that and he stepped up to the plate.

OP, you know that we all make our share of mistakes with our children? What I told my kid, is that I've always tried to do my best, every step of the way. Maybe I tried too hard, but God knows I did my best.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 19:29     Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:OP, You say your sister has a close relationship with your mother. What's her take on the situation?


I have a brother and a sister. The sister is very close to my mother and when this all happened she was 13. I know it has hurt her a lot. She's very sensitive. We are fairly close and talk/text frequently but my sister lives thousands of miles away from me, is not married and has no children. I do know that she was a major proponent of this current push for my mother to reach out and if she hadn't encourage it I don't know if my mom would have tried to be honest. So she's thrilled right now.
My brother is the youngest and kind of uninvolved in the whole thing. He also lives very far away and is married with a toddler. We keep in touch, his wife is wonderful, but we don't see them often either, because of distance primarily (he's overseas).
Both of them have had their issues with my mom as well, but have gotten over them.

I should add that my mom is on her 3rd marriage. I am from her first, they divorced when I was a baby, my mom remarried when I was a toddler and my sister and brother are from that 2nd marriage. My mom and stepdad divorced when I was in high school and I am quite close to my stepdad today. My own father passed away when I was a child. I didn't have some horrible childhood, I wasn't abused or anything. I think what happened/caused so much drama as a teen is that I was a difficult teenager- I have a much stronger and more assertive personality than my mom. Also my mom tried very hard to be my friend and cool all the time. And she told me things that I don't think were appropriate at the time (now that I'm an adult) about her relationship, plans for divorce, etc. While overall I was a "good kid" I was definitely defiant, screamed at her, attitude, etc. And while I was an adult when she told me to leave, I was a college student living in a dorm in another state. I am not sure what she expected me to do on school breaks, summers, etc. I went to my stepdad and he said, of course you will stay with me, my home is your home. He never let me down no matter how terrible I was to him in my teens and for that I am extremely thankful. He didn't have to do that and he stepped up to the plate.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 19:18     Subject: estranged from a parent?

Time will tell, OP. Don't force yourself, just keep going slow. That's all.

My mother has always said and done hurtful things until things reached breaking point 2 years ago and I really wanted to cut her off for ever. DH persuaded me not to, and I am glad he did because otherwise I would not have been able to see my father. This summer we will all see each for the first time since that day 2 years ago. I hope it will go well, but like you, I only want a superficial relationship - I've seen what's underneath and it's not something I want in my life. By keeping in phone contact the rest of the time, she can talk to my children (monitored, before she can blurt out they're fat or stupid), and send them birthday gifts and be grandmotherly a little bit, which I'm sure she enjoys.



Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 19:16     Subject: estranged from a parent?
OP, You say your sister has a close relationship with your mother. What's her take on the situation?
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 19:08     Subject: estranged from a parent?
I hope you find it in your heart to give her a chance, OP. My best to you.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 19:02     Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I can understand the hurt about not being allowed to live in her home, but technically were an adult. Disinviting her to your wedding was immature and basically payback for hurting your feelings earlier.

I think you should mend fences. You may never be close, but you need to forgive.


Riiight, cause we're talking about technicalities here. Well, technically, OP has forgiven her and mended the fence. She just hasn't given her mother the relationship her mother now wants.

And, it doesn't sound to me as if OP was paying back her mother for hurt feelings. It sounds like OP was looking to have a drama-free wedding. Not having her mother around to cast a pall on the wedding sounds reasonable to me.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 18:29     Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mother made the effort. You are a foolish, foolish woman for being so intractable. What goes around, come around. One day your children will find out the truth about you and you should pray that they have inherited the milk of human kindness from their father because you are void of any aspect of forgiveness, charity, or love. Guess that top 20 school only gave you a cold, hard degree.



OP ignore responses like this. Both of my parents made life changing decisions. I haven't spoken with my mom since I was 13 years old and I have a barely existent relationship with my dad. It's easy for people who haven't been in that situation to say give it a try but I would be wary that your mom "needs" something and that is why she is coming back to you. If I were you, I would probably have a very distant relationship with her.


For what it's worth my mom has never apologized for what she did.


She didn't "do" anything. You were technically an adult. She was starting a new marriage. Maybe your presence would have complicated things.

Did you ever apologize for disinviting her to your wedding?


I'm the OP. I didn't write this comment about apologizing, it was another poster.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 18:23     Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:OP, do it for the sake of your children. Also, if this would not be your mom, but just another human being who is seeking forgiveness and kindness, would you respond?

I'll never understand the logic of keeping toxic people in your life for the sake of the kids. They are most likely going to pull the same shut in their grandkids. My grandmother certainly did.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 18:19     Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mother made the effort. You are a foolish, foolish woman for being so intractable. What goes around, come around. One day your children will find out the truth about you and you should pray that they have inherited the milk of human kindness from their father because you are void of any aspect of forgiveness, charity, or love. Guess that top 20 school only gave you a cold, hard degree.



OP ignore responses like this. Both of my parents made life changing decisions. I haven't spoken with my mom since I was 13 years old and I have a barely existent relationship with my dad. It's easy for people who haven't been in that situation to say give it a try but I would be wary that your mom "needs" something and that is why she is coming back to you. If I were you, I would probably have a very distant relationship with her.


For what it's worth my mom has never apologized for what she did.


She didn't "do" anything. You were technically an adult. She was starting a new marriage. Maybe your presence would have complicated things.

Did you ever apologize for disinviting her to your wedding?
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 17:44     Subject: estranged from a parent?
I would consider keeping the door open to that superficial relationship. It doesn't sound like there is much emotional cost associated with maintaining this kind of relationship for you. If you completely shut that door and later down the road regretted it for whatever reason, you may not have the opportunity to try and build that relationship if you ever changed your mind.
If having that superficial relationship was affecting you emotionally, I would suggest telling her now is not a good time for you.

You sound like you are strong and well-adjusted despite your mother and her treatment towards you.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 17:19     Subject: Re:estranged from a parent?
OP I totally understand what you are saying. My mother is a completely self absorbed woman who cared about her husband du jour (she's had 5) and always treated me like a burden. I suppose I was cramping her style while she was busy dating, marrying, divorcing, dating, etc and I never felt valued or wanted. Although she and I do have a relationship it is not close and I have a lot of ambivalence toward her.

Fast forward to today, I have been happily married for 27 years and have fantastic relationships with my children. My mother is getting old and she is sad that I am not closer to her but here is the bottom line: you can't treat someone as if they are of no or little value to you and expect that one day when you are feeling your mortality they will just welcome you with open arms.

My children are my life, I cannot imagine any scenario where I wouldn't be speaking to them. I just wouldn't let anything get in between us.

Good luck OP. I get it.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 12:07     Subject: estranged from a parent?
12:03 again- I just wanted to say that reading your OP really brought back a lot of sad memories for me because I had something similar happen with both of my parents at different times. They are divorced. I know from first hand experience how hard it is and how most other people can not and do not understand.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 12:03     Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your mother made the effort. You are a foolish, foolish woman for being so intractable. What goes around, come around. One day your children will find out the truth about you and you should pray that they have inherited the milk of human kindness from their father because you are void of any aspect of forgiveness, charity, or love. Guess that top 20 school only gave you a cold, hard degree.



OP ignore responses like this. Both of my parents made life changing decisions. I haven't spoken with my mom since I was 13 years old and I have a barely existent relationship with my dad. It's easy for people who haven't been in that situation to say give it a try but I would be wary that your mom "needs" something and that is why she is coming back to you. If I were you, I would probably have a very distant relationship with her.


For what it's worth my mom has never apologized for what she did.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2015 11:59     Subject: estranged from a parent?
Anonymous wrote:Your mother made the effort. You are a foolish, foolish woman for being so intractable. What goes around, come around. One day your children will find out the truth about you and you should pray that they have inherited the milk of human kindness from their father because you are void of any aspect of forgiveness, charity, or love. Guess that top 20 school only gave you a cold, hard degree.



OP ignore responses like this. Both of my parents made life changing decisions. I haven't spoken with my mom since I was 13 years old and I have a barely existent relationship with my dad. It's easy for people who haven't been in that situation to say give it a try but I would be wary that your mom "needs" something and that is why she is coming back to you. If I were you, I would probably have a very distant relationship with her.