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Anonymous wrote:My younger brother, in his late 30's, has struggled for decades with mental health and substance abuse issues and lives with my parents. Even if he can successfully address these challenges (which seems doubtful at this point), he has no history of real employment and I can't imagine he will ever be able to support himself. My parents are only in their late 60's, but both have health issues that will likely shorten their life-spans, and I am very worried about what will happen to him when they are gone and what I will need to do. I know I should be ready and willing to take on supporting him because he is family, but I feel like DH and I have worked so hard to create a good life for ourselves and our DS, have saved so diligently for college, retirement, etc. and that is all going to be threatened by this situation.

What would you do in this situation? How would you see your obligations to a sibling vs. to your spouse and child? What, if anything, can I do to prepare for the future?

Thanks so much for any words of wisdom and perspectives on the situation.

OP, I could have written this, except it's my older brother and my parents are in their 70s. Also exhibiting some health issues. My plan is not a great one - my parents are leaving him some money, which I will manage. I'll also arrange his housing, bills, etc. The biggest challenge will be distance - they all live about 4 hours away from me. I'm also the one who is and will continue to manage care for our parents. It's been challenging. And will only get more challenging.

Anyway - no great advice, but a lot of sympathy.

Reading this just makes me angry and tired. My youngest brother is like this. I don't know what you mean by "disabled." My brother was severely coddled as a child and then enabled by my parents and older brother. He's still living off my dad but I stopped speaking to him more than a decade ago b/c i could see that he would never change. He had no interest in trying to change his life around even when my husband and I tried to help him (find a place to live, get a job, drive/pick him up, show him a budget, etc.). He can not be trusted with money. He always looks for the easy way out. He's now in his late 30s. My dad has some wealth but if he passes away, I'm pretty certain my brother would burn through it pretty quickly.

This is not your problem. Your responsibility is to your child.

OP - As mentioned by others there are some serious issues to tackle:

- Disability Monthly Cash assistance - Since your brother may have a disability that started later in his life, one would want to focus on the mental health aspects rather than any drinking because SSDI is not given to one if one becomes disabled due to drinking or drug use. You would need to have your parents/brother go to Social Security Administration to get an application. He will need to have as complete a history of his health condition(s) that prevent him from working and providers of care as possible. Or sign a release for SSA to gather this information. Since he has worked in the past, your brother might also be told that he may be expected to try certain other kinds of jobs if they are available. Failure to do so might end his disability - unless he is granted total disability which may be unlikely if he can work at times.

- Health Insurance - If you brother has limited income and assets, he should apply for Medicaid Health Insurance coverage which will help pay for his mental health services. Note if he should get on disability after 24 months, then he would qualify for Medicare as his primary health insurance and Medicaid would act like a supplement as long as his resources were limited.

- Mental Health & Substance Abuse Services - Your brother needs to be referred to the local agency handling both of those services as he may also qualify for Case Management services. A Case Manager could be a neutral party to help him/your folks navigate the services system.

- Will and Special Needs Trust or whatever kind of trust would be appropriate. You need to sit down and review your parents legal affairs as far as Will and their future division of assets. We have friends with two wayward sons in their 30s who do not work and have various life issues. When they go, their will says to sell their home and liquidate all assets. Then a trust is set up - a SNT for the one with an identified disability and a Trust for the other. Each would receive a monthly sum of month for their support. It would in no way be enough for two of them , but it is the best the folks can do.

- In your case I think there are bigger legal issues to consider such as to be sure you and/or DH are each of your parents Power of Attorney and Health Care Designee in succession of each other after the spouse AND NOT dear brother. Also, who will have his Power of Attorney and Health Care Directive??? These are also issues for you to think about with DH before there is a crisis. Perhaps your parents could hire a lawyer to work in this capacity if you really want to keep a distance from your brother in future years.

It is going to be tricky in how you approach your folks, but maybe with DH along with you to say you know they have the best interest of their son at heart, but it is going to take some planning and some prodding of him to do some things to make the best plan possible. You may also want to think about whether it would be best for much of their estate to go in trust for dear brother and help you have a clear conscience of limited future involvement or not. It really is key to be sure he does have health insurance and to see if he will get back to seeing a professional as needed.

SS payments, even disability payments, can be made to a representative payee if the beneficiary is too incompetent to handle money.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the great ideas so far! Here's a little more info (didn't want to overwhelm with too much in original post). My brother is trained as a chef, and is actually quite talented at cooking, but his issues and complete lack of executive function have kept him from keeping a job. He does at least cook for my parents, which is actually a great help to them. And I think he absolutely could and should be on disability because his drinking has damaged his heart, which alone should qualify him. I've suggested it to my parents many times, but for some reason they haven't acted on it (my brother doesn't seem able to take on such things for himself). I don't know if it's an emotional thing, that they just can't bring themselves to declare him disabled (though he clearly is), or that the logistics of it are overwhelming for them given everything else going on. The family dynamics make it difficult for me to insert myself into current decisions about him, but I do think I need to push harder on that.

Whether or not they can leave him anything will depend on how long they live, as they're currently retired. It's such a sad thing that if they live as long as I hope they will, it means more financial challenges for him some day, but if they are able to leave an inheritance to support him (which I will try to ensure that I manage), it's because their lives were too short.

Thanks again for reading and replying!

Unless your parents are very wealthy, an inheritance may not be enough to support your brother for the long-term. Also, if your parents live to a ripe old age (hopefully), they may burn through their money, and there will be little left for your brother. He may be better off applying for and receiving disability and other benefits now, and not technically inheriting anything from your parents when the time comes. If he inherits, he'll almost certainly lose any benefits that he's receiving. You could always supplement his care and help provide for some of his extra needs with any funds you've inherited from your parents on his behalf. They may be turned off to making you the sole beneficiary. However, it may be the best financial option.

You said he has heart damage. Does he currently have healthcare?

I'm in a similar situation and can commiserate. It's a tough, touchy situation.

OP, I had to re-read the original post to make sure I didn't post this! I, too, will be in a position to support a mentally unstable sibling once my parents are no longer able to support/enable him. However, mine has a serious history of drug addiction and violent criminal behavior which has caused us (DH and myself) to declare him unwelcome around our young kids.
Disability is helpful financially, but will not get you all the way there, esp if your brother is accustomed to a "nice" lifestyle living with your parents.
My parents have established a trust for my brother which will be administered (executed?) by another relative. I will have no say in the matter, which is exactly the way I wanted it. If he knew I had some pull (ie, could get him more money RIGHTNOW) he would be relentless in his efforts to scare me into cooperating. I would look into something similar - it will also prevent any bad behavior / poor judgement on his part from reflecting badly on our credit, etc.
The hardest part has been making my parents see the light on this subject. They are in denial, possibly figuring that once this scenario plays out they are dead and don't care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for your brother to be on disability?

+1 start moving in this direction

Agree. Besides disability, there are additional assistance programs for which he may qualify: housing, phone, utilities, food, medication, etc.

https://www.disability.gov/resource/disability-govs-guide-to-financial-help-for-low-income-families-individuals/

You do not have to give up your financial security for your brother.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks for the great ideas so far! Here's a little more info (didn't want to overwhelm with too much in original post). My brother is trained as a chef, and is actually quite talented at cooking, but his issues and complete lack of executive function have kept him from keeping a job. He does at least cook for my parents, which is actually a great help to them. And I think he absolutely could and should be on disability because his drinking has damaged his heart, which alone should qualify him. I've suggested it to my parents many times, but for some reason they haven't acted on it (my brother doesn't seem able to take on such things for himself). I don't know if it's an emotional thing, that they just can't bring themselves to declare him disabled (though he clearly is), or that the logistics of it are overwhelming for them given everything else going on. The family dynamics make it difficult for me to insert myself into current decisions about him, but I do think I need to push harder on that.

Whether or not they can leave him anything will depend on how long they live, as they're currently retired. It's such a sad thing that if they live as long as I hope they will, it means more financial challenges for him some day, but if they are able to leave an inheritance to support him (which I will try to ensure that I manage), it's because their lives were too short.

Thanks again for reading and replying!

My brother isn't an addict, but he does have some serious mental health issues, and my parents and I are quite frank about it. My mom did work to get my brother on disability. They also bought a condo, which he pays for but which is not in his name. That way, he always has a place to live, but he can't be manipulated into selling it, etc. I think you need to just have a discussion with your parents about your brother's future, and what plans they have in mind.

Anonymous wrote:Your parents will need someone to cook and drive for them as they age. It might be a blessing in disguise as long as he is not sucking them dry financially.

this is the case for our elderly neighbors. Druggie son lives with them now, but he seems to be working and keeping an eye on his demented mom. I think it's actually working out for them.

Your parents will need someone to cook and drive for them as they age. It might be a blessing in disguise as long as he is not sucking them dry financially.

He needs to see a doctor. It sounds like he may have ADHD.

Anonymous wrote:Is it possible for your brother to be on disability?

That's easy to say but it is difficult to get and the amount of payout from the federal government makes it almost not worth the effort. I looked into it briefly for autistic DC and decided at this time it just wasn't worth the effort.

Anonymous wrote:If he isn't on disability and has never held down employment then i have to assume your parents have been enablers. I know of a few families in this predicament and the parents often have enabled the adult child's behavior. This is not your fault. The best thing for you to do is to communicate to your brother that you will NOT be supporting him or helping him after your parents die. Make sure he gets you're serious. He has probably talked your parents into supporting him throughout his life and wont take your talk seriously. Youn need to make sure to be clear that you aren't your parents.

OP, this is important advice. You should also try Al-Anon for friends and family of alcoholics where you will get support when your parents pass away. You will need help working through this.

My brother became disabled and my sister and I supplemented his income for three years until he died. We thought he had been sober for the previous ten years but we discovered that that was not the case. I went back to Al-Anon when I realized he was drinking again because I knew I would have to cut him off financially if he didn't get into recovery. He passed away not long after he left rehab for the last time. My Al-Anon group was a great support during that time and has continued to be helpful as I work through my feelings about his death.

I should add that my brother was unable to quit drinking and going to Al-Anon won't make other people quit drinking but it will help you.

You may want to go to an Al-Anon meeting.