Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 13:45     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Who doesn't have an unlimited text plan? THAT'S the part of the story I don't find believable.


+1. OP, you sound controlling.


What makes me sound controlling? She chose the text plan she had b/c she wanted to keep her unlimited data plan. My daughters snd I share data and have unlimited texting. I sent about 45 - 50 texts last month and my daughters about 150 each. DW sent over 300 and at least half or more were to the number in question. Am I controlling when the bill I pay is significantly higher due to her texting and asking her sbout it? She could have the bill in her name and I would never have known. Alas, like everything else financial she e let's me to take care of it.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 13:14     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:Well, perhaps it's better to say they suspect it. At one point, I said them there is more going on than I care to discuss with them. They sort of gave me a knowing look. Children, especially adolescents are not blind. I have avoided charging their mother with an affair to them against the advice on websites like Marriage Builders that advocate full disclosure to everyone- friends, family, etc.


I think the Marriage Builders advice is for once the cheating partner comes clean and both spouses want to work on the relationship. This is not your situation.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 13:10     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Well, perhaps it's better to say they suspect it. At one point, I said them there is more going on than I care to discuss with them. They sort of gave me a knowing look. Children, especially adolescents are not blind. I have avoided charging their mother with an affair to them against the advice on websites like Marriage Builders that advocate full disclosure to everyone- friends, family, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 13:08     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:Who doesn't have an unlimited text plan? THAT'S the part of the story I don't find believable.


+1. OP, you sound controlling.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:16     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about if I text the other number?


Just go on one of the numerous reverse phone search companies like intelius and find out whose number it is. Also check her Internet browsing history she likely has s secret email account.

This is likely an affair. But if you've been married 10+ years and have kids rather than jump to divorcing I would seek counseling and try to work through it. In my circle I've noticed a pattern of mid 40s wives doing this shit and eventually they snap back. It usually means that they are recovering from years of perceived neglect and have resentments and feel entitled to "happiness". It's usually not only about sex but the emotional connection. Sad and doesn't excuse the behavior in any way. Just saying its a pattern I've seen half a dozen times and in each case it was able to be worked out. Be forewarned that after this women don't get all sorry for their actions like men. It just takes six months or a year and they are back. Look at yourself too and see if you talked to her in disrespectful ways or ways that she perceived caused her hurt. Women sometimes seems crazy and unaccountable. But if you love her and have kids you may take this on the chin. Especially if you believe she is otherwise a good person.


Any suggestions about how to confront her? I do not even know where to begin?

As to my accountability, I put a lot of pressure on the relationship in a number of ways: my job is demanding and impinges on family life a lot and requires sacrifices on her part, but at the same time she is a very very needy person. I feel that there is no way I can possibly fulfill 100 percent all of her needs - they are just too many. This failure or unwillingness (as she perceives) unwillingness to give her what she wants is at the root of our marital problems. Although, it is a bit like peeling back an onion - there are layers and layers of things to get through before you get to the core.

I have been reading about couples counseling and one of the things mentioned there is both parties seeing a therapist separately, I have been seeing one just in order to find ways to cope with other things in the marriage outside of the infidelity. I would like her to get to one herself to explore and work on her own issues. She will not do it, as she sees me as the culprit in her unhappiness. She has asked me yet again to change jobs. I did change jobs about 10 years ago to accomodate her needs, but nothing changed in the relationship dynamic.

At the same time, she has been accusing me of having affairs, which I have not. She has gone so far as to tell my daughters I am sleeping around and I have told them I am not. Yet, they are now very cold for me. At the same time, they both know Mom has been doing it. It is a real sad mess that I just do not know how to handle or get out of.


Your story is falling apart. You suspect an affair, yet your daughters KNOW Mom has been "doing it".
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:14     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Who doesn't have an unlimited text plan? THAT'S the part of the story I don't find believable.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:12     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
If she is cheating, could you ever get past it?
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:12     Subject: Re:Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:Additional pressure I put on the relationship is to try and make my DW takes some responsibility for herself, which she does not like. She blames other people - my family, her sister, etc. - for all her relationship issues. However, when you are the common denominator, I think a bit of self reflection is in order.


This is tricky. Unless you get cold evidence like access to her phone and texts or her secret email you won't get the info. That said if you go to couples counseling you can discuss your issues there. Again be warned in all of my experiences in folks I know the woman failed to take accountability and projected back on the husband. It's really really tough. Again notwithstanding that you can start going to weekly couples therapy and discuss and work on the marriage. Most times it works out if you can stand it. In a few years you may get back to normal. Let her know you are working on yourself. It totally sounds crazy but if you show you are working on it it has positive effects several ways. First if things don't work out she will remember you as kind and she will eventually regret her actions. Making her feel guilty and defensive will only make things worse. She will not come around and tearfully confess and apologize. Men do this. Women are much colder after they lost love for their husband. By the time they have an affair they are already mentally out of the marriage. So if you want to stay married you need to take the very very very hard road and act counterintuitively.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:08     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about if I text the other number?


Just go on one of the numerous reverse phone search companies like intelius and find out whose number it is. Also check her Internet browsing history she likely has s secret email account.

This is likely an affair. But if you've been married 10+ years and have kids rather than jump to divorcing I would seek counseling and try to work through it. In my circle I've noticed a pattern of mid 40s wives doing this shit and eventually they snap back. It usually means that they are recovering from years of perceived neglect and have resentments and feel entitled to "happiness". It's usually not only about sex but the emotional connection. Sad and doesn't excuse the behavior in any way. Just saying its a pattern I've seen half a dozen times and in each case it was able to be worked out. Be forewarned that after this women don't get all sorry for their actions like men. It just takes six months or a year and they are back. Look at yourself too and see if you talked to her in disrespectful ways or ways that she perceived caused her hurt. Women sometimes seems crazy and unaccountable. But if you love her and have kids you may take this on the chin. Especially if you believe she is otherwise a good person.


Any suggestions about how to confront her? I do not even know where to begin?

As to my accountability, I put a lot of pressure on the relationship in a number of ways: my job is demanding and impinges on family life a lot and requires sacrifices on her part, but at the same time she is a very very needy person. I feel that there is no way I can possibly fulfill 100 percent all of her needs - they are just too many. This failure or unwillingness (as she perceives) unwillingness to give her what she wants is at the root of our marital problems. Although, it is a bit like peeling back an onion - there are layers and layers of things to get through before you get to the core.

I have been reading about couples counseling and one of the things mentioned there is both parties seeing a therapist separately, I have been seeing one just in order to find ways to cope with other things in the marriage outside of the infidelity. I would like her to get to one herself to explore and work on her own issues. She will not do it, as she sees me as the culprit in her unhappiness. She has asked me yet again to change jobs. I did change jobs about 10 years ago to accomodate her needs, but nothing changed in the relationship dynamic.

At the same time, she has been accusing me of having affairs, which I have not. She has gone so far as to tell my daughters I am sleeping around and I have told them I am not. Yet, they are now very cold for me. At the same time, they both know Mom has been doing it. It is a real sad mess that I just do not know how to handle or get out of.


How do you know Mom has been sleeping around? If you already know that, what purpose does figuring out if her texts reflect an affair serve? I am appalled that she is telling your daughters that you are having affairs. Neither one of you should be discussing ANY of those thoughts or convictions with your kids. That is an incredibly selfish thing to do.

If she is not willing to see a therapist, you are in a tough spot. I guess the real question is whether you feel the marriage is worth saving. I hope your therapist is working through that decision with you. If you feel it is worth saving, then you can work on getting your wife to counseling. If it's not worth saving, it's probably time to discuss ending things.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:03     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:You can pay various services to get information on who has that number.


I would do this but the problem now is that she knows you are on to her. Are you still having sex? Wrap it.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 12:01     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about if I text the other number?


Just go on one of the numerous reverse phone search companies like intelius and find out whose number it is. Also check her Internet browsing history she likely has s secret email account.

This is likely an affair. But if you've been married 10+ years and have kids rather than jump to divorcing I would seek counseling and try to work through it. In my circle I've noticed a pattern of mid 40s wives doing this shit and eventually they snap back. It usually means that they are recovering from years of perceived neglect and have resentments and feel entitled to "happiness". It's usually not only about sex but the emotional connection. Sad and doesn't excuse the behavior in any way. Just saying its a pattern I've seen half a dozen times and in each case it was able to be worked out. Be forewarned that after this women don't get all sorry for their actions like men. It just takes six months or a year and they are back. Look at yourself too and see if you talked to her in disrespectful ways or ways that she perceived caused her hurt. Women sometimes seems crazy and unaccountable. But if you love her and have kids you may take this on the chin. Especially if you believe she is otherwise a good person.


Any suggestions about how to confront her? I do not even know where to begin?

As to my accountability, I put a lot of pressure on the relationship in a number of ways: my job is demanding and impinges on family life a lot and requires sacrifices on her part, but at the same time she is a very very needy person. I feel that there is no way I can possibly fulfill 100 percent all of her needs - they are just too many. This failure or unwillingness (as she perceives) unwillingness to give her what she wants is at the root of our marital problems. Although, it is a bit like peeling back an onion - there are layers and layers of things to get through before you get to the core.

I have been reading about couples counseling and one of the things mentioned there is both parties seeing a therapist separately, I have been seeing one just in order to find ways to cope with other things in the marriage outside of the infidelity. I would like her to get to one herself to explore and work on her own issues. She will not do it, as she sees me as the culprit in her unhappiness. She has asked me yet again to change jobs. I did change jobs about 10 years ago to accomodate her needs, but nothing changed in the relationship dynamic.

At the same time, she has been accusing me of having affairs, which I have not. She has gone so far as to tell my daughters I am sleeping around and I have told them I am not. Yet, they are now very cold for me. At the same time, they both know Mom has been doing it. It is a real sad mess that I just do not know how to handle or get out of.


She's projecting when she accuses you of having an affair. Classic cheater move. And telling your daughters about her projections, with the result of alienating them from you? Seriously disturbing move. Sorry, she doesn't sound like a good person, OP. You might be well advised to start taking steps to protect yourself. By that, I mean consult an attorney to explore your options, etc.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 11:56     Subject: Re:Sign of an Affair?
Additional pressure I put on the relationship is to try and make my DW takes some responsibility for herself, which she does not like. She blames other people - my family, her sister, etc. - for all her relationship issues. However, when you are the common denominator, I think a bit of self reflection is in order.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 11:54     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How about if I text the other number?


Just go on one of the numerous reverse phone search companies like intelius and find out whose number it is. Also check her Internet browsing history she likely has s secret email account.

This is likely an affair. But if you've been married 10+ years and have kids rather than jump to divorcing I would seek counseling and try to work through it. In my circle I've noticed a pattern of mid 40s wives doing this shit and eventually they snap back. It usually means that they are recovering from years of perceived neglect and have resentments and feel entitled to "happiness". It's usually not only about sex but the emotional connection. Sad and doesn't excuse the behavior in any way. Just saying its a pattern I've seen half a dozen times and in each case it was able to be worked out. Be forewarned that after this women don't get all sorry for their actions like men. It just takes six months or a year and they are back. Look at yourself too and see if you talked to her in disrespectful ways or ways that she perceived caused her hurt. Women sometimes seems crazy and unaccountable. But if you love her and have kids you may take this on the chin. Especially if you believe she is otherwise a good person.


Any suggestions about how to confront her? I do not even know where to begin?

As to my accountability, I put a lot of pressure on the relationship in a number of ways: my job is demanding and impinges on family life a lot and requires sacrifices on her part, but at the same time she is a very very needy person. I feel that there is no way I can possibly fulfill 100 percent all of her needs - they are just too many. This failure or unwillingness (as she perceives) unwillingness to give her what she wants is at the root of our marital problems. Although, it is a bit like peeling back an onion - there are layers and layers of things to get through before you get to the core.

I have been reading about couples counseling and one of the things mentioned there is both parties seeing a therapist separately, I have been seeing one just in order to find ways to cope with other things in the marriage outside of the infidelity. I would like her to get to one herself to explore and work on her own issues. She will not do it, as she sees me as the culprit in her unhappiness. She has asked me yet again to change jobs. I did change jobs about 10 years ago to accomodate her needs, but nothing changed in the relationship dynamic.

At the same time, she has been accusing me of having affairs, which I have not. She has gone so far as to tell my daughters I am sleeping around and I have told them I am not. Yet, they are now very cold for me. At the same time, they both know Mom has been doing it. It is a real sad mess that I just do not know how to handle or get out of.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 11:10     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
Anonymous wrote:How about if I text the other number?


Just go on one of the numerous reverse phone search companies like intelius and find out whose number it is. Also check her Internet browsing history she likely has s secret email account.

This is likely an affair. But if you've been married 10+ years and have kids rather than jump to divorcing I would seek counseling and try to work through it. In my circle I've noticed a pattern of mid 40s wives doing this shit and eventually they snap back. It usually means that they are recovering from years of perceived neglect and have resentments and feel entitled to "happiness". It's usually not only about sex but the emotional connection. Sad and doesn't excuse the behavior in any way. Just saying its a pattern I've seen half a dozen times and in each case it was able to be worked out. Be forewarned that after this women don't get all sorry for their actions like men. It just takes six months or a year and they are back. Look at yourself too and see if you talked to her in disrespectful ways or ways that she perceived caused her hurt. Women sometimes seems crazy and unaccountable. But if you love her and have kids you may take this on the chin. Especially if you believe she is otherwise a good person.
Anonymous
Post 02/08/2015 07:00     Subject: Sign of an Affair?
How about if I text the other number?