Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not drive. We are a one car family. Sometimes it sucks but I knew that before we married. I'm not sure how anyone can claim they were somehow done wrong. And I'm no faultless angel.

You sound very angry, controlling, and bitter.

Perhaps...will admit that I feel DW should have placed our marriage first - believe that is the union/relationship that should be the core of the family. Maybe that makes me controlling. Maybe that makes DW/MIL controlling - I guess it comes down to perspective.

I don't see how my DH not driving is downgrading our union/relationship from being the core of the family. Is your car the core of your family?? Or of your love/protectiveness for each other? I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I can't imagine any circumstances in which my DH would not move heaven and earth to be there for me and for our family.\

It seems to me, OP, that you have let driving become some sort of crucible upon which you have hung the greater good of your family and relationship. Why is that? When something takes on so much symbolism, there must be more to it. Do you feel the "load" is not being carried here? Then sit down and really think about it and communicate about it. It's not about a car, is it?

No, it's not about the car or driving. You're not getting it. It's about any issue that might later restrict your future choices that you could have foreseen, but didn't. You are so hung up on defending your non-driving DH and your support of him, you're overlooking OP's point. The issue could be anything and in this case, it just happens to be driving that's triggering OP's limitations. It

Sorry, I don't think so. In the case of my family, the "future choices that you could have foreseen but didn't" have very little to do with one partner not driving. And who the hell has the ability to foresee all their future choices. The Amazing Kreskin? The biggest challenge to my relationship with DH has been the birth of a disabled child. Driving? Pssh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a marriage problem, not a driving problem. Your wife won't let her mother deal with the consequences of her own choices. MIL not driving is not a reason not to move in every marriage.

What if the dr has told her to stop driving? So it's not a choice, but an issue of her and others safety. Does your answer change?

No, because there are alternatives available: Uber rides, car service, taxis. Montgomery County has subsidized transport for seniors IIRC. There is also Peapod, Amazon Prime.

If MIL will not drive, then she needs to put systems into place to get what she needs.

Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

Not OP, but the stuff that we must deal with that Life throws at us tends to involve people who are dependents (children) and things on which we are dependent (a paycheck). I have a friend whose DD has a severe disability and who will require support for life. That is something Life threw at my friend and her DH, agreed.

But a MIL? None of us signs up to have our parents dependent on us in the way that OP describes, particularly when they are adults capable of taking care of certain necessary tasks themselves. (I would put driving in that category if OP's MIL does not have easy access to public transportation.)

I would be angry and bitter, myself.

Yep, ditch the parent. They ditched you in the daycare, now it's your turn to reciprocate.

Ah, the family-hatin' culture around here makes me sick.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not drive. We are a one car family. Sometimes it sucks but I knew that before we married. I'm not sure how anyone can claim they were somehow done wrong. And I'm no faultless angel.

You sound very angry, controlling, and bitter.

Perhaps...will admit that I feel DW should have placed our marriage first - believe that is the union/relationship that should be the core of the family. Maybe that makes me controlling. Maybe that makes DW/MIL controlling - I guess it comes down to perspective.

I don't see how my DH not driving is downgrading our union/relationship from being the core of the family. Is your car the core of your family?? Or of your love/protectiveness for each other? I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I can't imagine any circumstances in which my DH would not move heaven and earth to be there for me and for our family.\

It seems to me, OP, that you have let driving become some sort of crucible upon which you have hung the greater good of your family and relationship. Why is that? When something takes on so much symbolism, there must be more to it. Do you feel the "load" is not being carried here? Then sit down and really think about it and communicate about it. It's not about a car, is it?

No, it's not about the car or driving. You're not getting it. It's about any issue that might later restrict your future choices that you could have foreseen, but didn't. You are so hung up on defending your non-driving DH and your support of him, you're overlooking OP's point. The issue could be anything and in this case, it just happens to be driving that's triggering OP's limitations. It

I would not want to live anywhere where a car is required. It is a horrible way to live, to get ina car every time you leave the house. That said, driving in the US is really an essential life skill. Car dependency creates an additional problem for the ageing that is less of an issue in countries with better walkability/public transport.

Anonymous wrote:More MILs need to not drive. Elderly drivers are a threat to themselves and others. Mine doesn't drive but is great at using the bus and subway, and I'm more than happy to keep it that way. Then she won't end up like my grandfather with Alzheimer's who refused to give up the keys and it was just sheer dumb luck that he didn't kill someone.

+100000

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not drive. We are a one car family. Sometimes it sucks but I knew that before we married. I'm not sure how anyone can claim they were somehow done wrong. And I'm no faultless angel.

You sound very angry, controlling, and bitter.

Perhaps...will admit that I feel DW should have placed our marriage first - believe that is the union/relationship that should be the core of the family. Maybe that makes me controlling. Maybe that makes DW/MIL controlling - I guess it comes down to perspective.

I don't see how my DH not driving is downgrading our union/relationship from being the core of the family. Is your car the core of your family?? Or of your love/protectiveness for each other? I'm just sitting here shaking my head because I can't imagine any circumstances in which my DH would not move heaven and earth to be there for me and for our family.\

It seems to me, OP, that you have let driving become some sort of crucible upon which you have hung the greater good of your family and relationship. Why is that? When something takes on so much symbolism, there must be more to it. Do you feel the "load" is not being carried here? Then sit down and really think about it and communicate about it. It's not about a car, is it?

Anonymous wrote:My DH does not drive. We are a one car family. Sometimes it sucks but I knew that before we married. I'm not sure how anyone can claim they were somehow done wrong. And I'm no faultless angel.

You sound very angry, controlling, and bitter.

Perhaps...will admit that I feel DW should have placed our marriage first - believe that is the union/relationship that should be the core of the family. Maybe that makes me controlling. Maybe that makes DW/MIL controlling - I guess it comes down to perspective.

Anonymous wrote:These days you can have everything delivered and you can take uber to dr's appointments. Don't let her handicap you. You should be having ongoing discussions about this anyway, but if you haven't started, no time like the present.

This.

My DH does not drive. We are a one car family. Sometimes it sucks but I knew that before we married. I'm not sure how anyone can claim they were somehow done wrong. And I'm no faultless angel.

You sound very angry, controlling, and bitter.

These days you can have everything delivered and you can take uber to dr's appointments. Don't let her handicap you. You should be having ongoing discussions about this anyway, but if you haven't started, no time like the present.

Anonymous wrote:
But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

OP here. Very True. And with life you hope comes wisdom. And I realize you don't want to live in a bubble but as it was something I didn't properly assess/comprehend I thought I would post. As with most things, it really does come down to open,respectful,yet frank communications. In my particular case, I should have had very open ended conversations with DW and MIL. I also think though that one needs to go into things with their eyes wide open. In hindsight my DW was never going to admit that she was never going to leave the area without her mother's approval. I suspect she was smart enough to know that would drive off most suitors. I should have been more prescient. But that is life, you do live and learn.

But OP, you do realize that this Life. You are continually bound by different restrictions that vary as you go through life, some which you may have foreseen (but perhaps didn't), and others that you couldn't possibly have foreseen.

So just accept that Life throws stuff at you and make do with what you have.

OP here. It hasn't been the case of medical reasons,etc. It I'd that they lived in the city, FIL at the time didn't want a car, and MIL never learned to drive. FIL past before I met DW. They didn't have a car until I taught DW and gave DW my old car.
Yes, agreed that it was wife's choices but they were understandable. Point I was trying to share was all the things we don't think of when we choose our spouses, and the mobility or lack thereof of MIL never entered into my calculus. Then you realize it becomes a real issue when you are family and she doesn't want to or feels she can't move because of her lack of mobility. Hell, I would have bought her a car - that wasn't the issue - she was never going to learn. Coming up again because as I age I am starting to think about relocating some place warmer. Realize it will still be an issue. Thought I would share my life lesson.