Anonymous wrote:Op you should do what is best for the kids

This.

And this perspective on figuring out what to do may help you find peace with your choices OP. You can tell your sister "I care about you and want you to be ok through this and I see that you are struggling. So I want to support you and the children. I will testify if you wish but if asked I would tell the truth - which is that I think Jim is a loving and caring father and it's in the best interests of your kids to have an ongoing relationship with their dad. Because that's what I believe. I love those kids and want them to be ok, as I know you do of course."

Those kids will need some stable, non-judgmental adults in their world. People who tell them it's ok to love Mommy AND Daddy and that both parents are good people who love them very much. You can do that for them and that will be a huge gift in their life. Hopefully in time your sister could come to see that, but if not at least you can feel ok about how you channelled your support.

OP here. I wrote the email but haven't sent it. I am just struggling. I have recommended therapy, which she rebuffed (she actually called me a bitch but that's neither here nor there.).

The crux of the issue is that my sister is hell bent on making her ex pay for "screwing up her life." I don't think there's much thought beyond anger right now and I just don't know what I could say to be helpful. I actually worry that I might crack and say that they are better off with the ex while my sister works through her stuff. Part of me feels that way. Part of me knows that would be such a betrayal. And part of me is tired of spending my hour after putting the kids to bed listening to her go on and on about unfair everything is. And it always ends like this "I agree, it's not fair, but now what?" Radio silence.

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am OP. My brother in law (soon to be former) was a good father. He actually from what I saw was incredibly involved (I actually lived with them briefly when I first moved to DC when the children were older and we didn't find a house). It might have been a show, but honestly, the stress in the marriage was definitely financial. There were money issues and from what I saw a refusal to cut back from the good times or in the alternative work (she made a decent salary before. no clue how she'd do now). She is pretty clear there aren't other women and her ex is living a pretty spartan life right now in a studio in a crappy area.

I am writing my sister a letter explaining my discomfort. I am going to ask to not be involved because I can't lie. Her ex wasn't abusive, he was a good dad, and by all accounts is being fair, although she has spent an hour complaining about having to sell her house and leave her nice suburb. I recommended she head down my way, a bit further out and cheaper and received a scoff. I have no clue what their plans are once the divorce is done. It's not my business, but until I spend an hour listening to the fall out, I guess. He's pushing for a quick divorce, so I assume things will move quickly once the sole custody idea falls apart (I hope).

We are such different women. I love her, but I just can't get behind this idea.

Thank you guys for posting. It was a good gut check.

OP, I hope you haven't written to your sister yet. Please wait.

Understand that you or your testimony alone will not decide the kids' fate. You won't wield that much power. All you will do is cause a HUGE strain between you and your sister - possibly for life. seriously. Please consider testifying and doing what this pp suggested:

Let her know that if you testify, you will speak honestly about what you know about her and her husband as parents.

tell her you will support her, but not lie on the stand. You can honestly say she'll be a good mother - be a character witness for her. You won't form an opinion on who would be the better parent - tell her that's for the courts to decide - you're not an expert. but you will support her and testify that she is a good mom. Just consider the long term consequences of your actions right now.

Honestly, if I were your sister and you preempted all of this by refusing to testify on my behalf, I don't know if I could ever forgive you. I think it's a louder message to the courts when your own sister won't even be there to be a character witness for you then if you were, and said nice things about sister but were silent (or truthful when asked) about the dad. Think about it. If you refuse, the courts may wonder what she is hiding and infer a lot more about your absence.

Anonymous wrote:PP, I am OP. My brother in law (soon to be former) was a good father. He actually from what I saw was incredibly involved (I actually lived with them briefly when I first moved to DC when the children were older and we didn't find a house). It might have been a show, but honestly, the stress in the marriage was definitely financial. There were money issues and from what I saw a refusal to cut back from the good times or in the alternative work (she made a decent salary before. no clue how she'd do now). She is pretty clear there aren't other women and her ex is living a pretty spartan life right now in a studio in a crappy area.

I am writing my sister a letter explaining my discomfort. I am going to ask to not be involved because I can't lie. Her ex wasn't abusive, he was a good dad, and by all accounts is being fair, although she has spent an hour complaining about having to sell her house and leave her nice suburb. I recommended she head down my way, a bit further out and cheaper and received a scoff. I have no clue what their plans are once the divorce is done. It's not my business, but until I spend an hour listening to the fall out, I guess. He's pushing for a quick divorce, so I assume things will move quickly once the sole custody idea falls apart (I hope).

We are such different women. I love her, but I just can't get behind this idea.

Thank you guys for posting. It was a good gut check.

9:45 here. I wrote before I read this. It sounds like a good idea to write the letter.

Tell her you won't testify if you have to say bad stuff about the dad. If you know he is a good dad, it would be wrong to lie about him. You would feel guilty if you helped to cause him to not be able to be around his kids. Plus, it sounds like the kids need him.

It seems like there is no easy way to "stay out of it".

OP - I do think if you are willing to help your sister, you do need to encourage her to get some counseling. If you must couch it in terms of personal planning, career counseling or life planning with the coming divorce. Or be honest and tell her that she indeed sounds and acts like she is under a lot of pressure from this major life change and needs to see a therapist. If money is the issue perhaps the women's center in NOVA or at an area DC college with a counseling program and usually reduced fees for those in training would be a resource. You might also point out that the children need her to be in health. The kids need joint custody. Dad may also have to ask for an accounting of the child support funds by the court if he feels the kids are being short-changed in care.

the kids were younger, err. Ooops.

PP, I am OP. My brother in law (soon to be former) was a good father. He actually from what I saw was incredibly involved (I actually lived with them briefly when I first moved to DC when the children were older and we didn't find a house). It might have been a show, but honestly, the stress in the marriage was definitely financial. There were money issues and from what I saw a refusal to cut back from the good times or in the alternative work (she made a decent salary before. no clue how she'd do now). She is pretty clear there aren't other women and her ex is living a pretty spartan life right now in a studio in a crappy area.

I am writing my sister a letter explaining my discomfort. I am going to ask to not be involved because I can't lie. Her ex wasn't abusive, he was a good dad, and by all accounts is being fair, although she has spent an hour complaining about having to sell her house and leave her nice suburb. I recommended she head down my way, a bit further out and cheaper and received a scoff. I have no clue what their plans are once the divorce is done. It's not my business, but until I spend an hour listening to the fall out, I guess. He's pushing for a quick divorce, so I assume things will move quickly once the sole custody idea falls apart (I hope).

We are such different women. I love her, but I just can't get behind this idea.

Thank you guys for posting. It was a good gut check.

with all that said, if she is suing for full custory (and presumably full CS $$$), she is dreaming, she thinks she can keep living her life, albeit with husband gone, free babysitting 10-30% of the time, and be the belle of the ball like when she was 25.

This is the flip side of a man who thinks his wife can just go back to work and handle everything, bringing in $$$ with no interruption to what he's doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am a mom who is home with my kids. I question how much money your sister would bring in if she went back to work since much of it would go right back out the door for daycare. What I'm getting at is that her going back to work wouldn't solve their money problems. Many men (and women) don't realize this. Husband may want to divorce for other reasons, but working is a red herring. Don't fall for that. Also, your sister is in pain. Just love her. Loving her doesn't equal testifying on her behalf for sole custidy. Also, your sister may be blaming your folks, but she may also be trying to process what's going on. I'm coming at this from another perspective, always believing I would work full time once I had kids to the point that I had very little homemaking skills. Just let your sister know you love her, listen to her (which doesn't mean agreeing) and give it time.

Bull. They have 2 kids of school age and the other could be preschool or day care. Even if she only worked part time it would help. Not a red herring at all.

Summer, snow days, before/after care? Telework isn't always guaranteed, especially for the newbies.

There was a thread in jobs and careers about a lady that was taking off too many days to care for kids over snow days.

Nanny takes a sick day/just doesn't show up/starts needing $$$ all the damn time for a relative in trouble?

Sure DC might have PK3 for free, but for the other kids there's running the kids to disparate privates, charters, etc., if they don't live in a JKLMM/Brent/Shepherd Park zone.

If the sister was some sort of bigshot lawyer whose rolodex still has some value, then yeah, she could make upper five or lower six figures working in-house somewhere. It'd require some networking and some effort, but it could be done, and the salary would probably cover whatever care costs. Of course there's whatever psychic costs of working 50-60 hours a week, but hey, there's psychic costs to the husband being the sole breadwinner and having a wife that insists on living a double-income lifestyle on one income.

If the sister has some older tech certifications but still has some common sense, then yeah, she could re-insert herself into IT at a low-mid level and work her way back up.

If sister was making $40k doing some sort of generic development work for some generic non-profit, then odds are working wouldn't really bring in any money and would risk having a workaholic boss who'd expect her to work all the damn time for not much money.

Working part time might work, or it might impose all the stress of having to find child care -- (and most child care centers will charge 80% of FT for part-time care) without bringing in as much money. When re-inserting into the workplace after a long absence one cannot be quite as choosy so things that WOHMs take for granted like telework, flex hours, etc., don't work as easily right away. The husband has to realize he will need to cover for some snow days, etc., and CANNOT just assume "Momma's got it covered."

You do not need to agree with her, or agree with her decisions.
"Support" your sister doesn't mean giving in to her demands.

Do what you believe is best and right.
Support her by listening. It doesn't sound like she wants you to support her by offering any advice (too bad maybe)

People often use the idea that friends/family should "support them" as sort-of a form of emotional blackmail.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am a mom who is home with my kids. I question how much money your sister would bring in if she went back to work since much of it would go right back out the door for daycare. What I'm getting at is that her going back to work wouldn't solve their money problems. Many men (and women) don't realize this. Husband may want to divorce for other reasons, but working is a red herring. Don't fall for that. Also, your sister is in pain. Just love her. Loving her doesn't equal testifying on her behalf for sole custidy. Also, your sister may be blaming your folks, but she may also be trying to process what's going on. I'm coming at this from another perspective, always believing I would work full time once I had kids to the point that I had very little homemaking skills. Just let your sister know you love her, listen to her (which doesn't mean agreeing) and give it time.

Bull. They have 2 kids of school age and the other could be preschool or day care. Even if she only worked part time it would help. Not a red herring at all.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am a mom who is home with my kids. I question how much money your sister would bring in if she went back to work since much of it would go right back out the door for daycare. What I'm getting at is that her going back to work wouldn't solve their money problems. Many men (and women) don't realize this. Husband may want to divorce for other reasons, but working is a red herring. Don't fall for that. Also, your sister is in pain. Just love her. Loving her doesn't equal testifying on her behalf for sole custidy. Also, your sister may be blaming your folks, but she may also be trying to process what's going on. I'm coming at this from another perspective, always believing I would work full time once I had kids to the point that I had very little homemaking skills. Just let your sister know you love her, listen to her (which doesn't mean agreeing) and give it time.

Sounds like only one kid would need daycare. If they are in DC, possibly not even the youngest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she understand that the child support is for the children, not to be a source of income for herself? Does she want sole custody to max the child support? Sounds like it.

I doubt she realizes this.

OP, tell her you'll be there for her, but you think she and her soon-to-be ex should share custody. I hope she can get some counseling and get her life back together.

You doubt she realizes this.... How big of an idiot is she? What part of CHILD support is unclear?

Op you should do what is best for the kids