Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 19:16     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
I would work on less frequent visits.

And, frankly, I bet your parents don't see the baby for the equivalent of four days a month. Good grief. Who wants to see anyone that much?

Start spacing visits more like six or eight weeks apart. This would be a hill to die on for me. Is DH otherwise clueless about his parents, or is he otherwise reasonable?
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 19:11     Subject: Re:I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My wife's parents visit frequently and stay for a week at a time. It upsets our routine and I don't find them particularly interesting or warm but they are her parents and that takes precedence for me because I know having them stay with us is important for her. They also enjoy the time with their grand-kids.

She knows that I am not overly excited about the frequency of their visits but I'd never suggest they should stay in a hotel.

A relationship is sustained by giving recognition to the things that really matter to one's partner. I could put my foot down and change the pattern of their visits, making their visits less frequent or ask that they stay in a hotel ....... but it would take a toll on our relationship and that is just not worth it to me.




I agree with this. My in-laws have come twice, and stayed 4-6 months. It really bothered me both times but I wouldn't suggest they not come. I am putting up with it because I love DH and it matters to him.

4 days a month is really not a big deal. Just don't plan your lives around their visits, keep yourself busy, and don't feel obligated to cook/clean for them.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 19:10     Subject: Re:I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:My wife's parents visit frequently and stay for a week at a time. It upsets our routine and I don't find them particularly interesting or warm but they are her parents and that takes precedence for me because I know having them stay with us is important for her. They also enjoy the time with their grand-kids.

She knows that I am not overly excited about the frequency of their visits but I'd never suggest they should stay in a hotel.

A relationship is sustained by giving recognition to the things that really matter to one's partner. I could put my foot down and change the pattern of their visits, making their visits less frequent or ask that they stay in a hotel ....... but it would take a toll on our relationship and that is just not worth it to me.

I agree with this. My in-laws have come twice, and stayed 4-6 months. It really bothered me both times but I wouldn't suggest they not come. I am putting up with it because I love DH and it matters to him.

4 days a month is really not a big deal. Just don't plan your lives around their visits, keep yourself busy, and don't feel obligated to cook/clean for them.







Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 19:00     Subject: Re:I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
My wife's parents visit frequently and stay for a week at a time. It upsets our routine and I don't find them particularly interesting or warm but they are her parents and that takes precedence for me because I know having them stay with us is important for her. They also enjoy the time with their grand-kids.

She knows that I am not overly excited about the frequency of their visits but I'd never suggest they should stay in a hotel.

A relationship is sustained by giving recognition to the things that really matter to one's partner. I could put my foot down and change the pattern of their visits, making their visits less frequent or ask that they stay in a hotel ....... but it would take a toll on our relationship and that is just not worth it to me.







Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:56     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:
Tell your selfish husband that if he can't tell his parents nicely that they should space out their visits, you will not be able to cater to them. They will be responsible for their own meals, their own laundry, their own entertainment. You will smile and say hello, but not converse for hours with them. You will lounge on the couch watching your favorite movie while somebody else washes the dishes. If they want to wait on YOU, they're welcome (and expected) to perform this service, since they are frequent guests.

So next time they come, you do not lift a finger.


After four year, I've finally gotten to Thai point. I still have to do the dishes though. We get take out every night. ILs sit on the couch and read or whatever. They never really interact with the kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:38     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:
Tell your selfish husband that if he can't tell his parents nicely that they should space out their visits, you will not be able to cater to them. They will be responsible for their own meals, their own laundry, their own entertainment. You will smile and say hello, but not converse for hours with them. You will lounge on the couch watching your favorite movie while somebody else washes the dishes. If they want to wait on YOU, they're welcome (and expected) to perform this service, since they are frequent guests.

So next time they come, you do not lift a finger.


This.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:37     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge

Tell your selfish husband that if he can't tell his parents nicely that they should space out their visits, you will not be able to cater to them. They will be responsible for their own meals, their own laundry, their own entertainment. You will smile and say hello, but not converse for hours with them. You will lounge on the couch watching your favorite movie while somebody else washes the dishes. If they want to wait on YOU, they're welcome (and expected) to perform this service, since they are frequent guests.

So next time they come, you do not lift a finger.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:19     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
I'd tell him the visits will be less frequent or they will get a hotel. That compromise is more than fair.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:17     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:To me it's a red flag that your DH can just unilaterally decide how often you host his parents. 4 nights a month with my in laws would drive me batty and DH and I would end up in therapy for sure. Others are perfectly happy to have family stay for weeks on end. It's not about who is right, it's that your DH isn't respecting your opinion. That is especially important if they come while you are home with the baby and he is at work, or if you end up doing most of the work. A compromise would be ideal - they can come once a month but stay in a hotel, or they stay with you but come every 6-8 weeks. Or once a month with you but for only 2 nights. You get the idea. If your DH isn't willing to budge, it may be time to try therapy. If you can't get on the same page now, it will only be harder as time goes on.


Totally agree. You deserve equal say in what happens with your life, OP. It is not DH's right to unilaterally make all decisions without consideration of you.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:17     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Just how small is your house? Do you have a dedicated guest room? Or do you have to totally re-arrange sleeping arrangements for everyone when they come?
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:14     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
To me it's a red flag that your DH can just unilaterally decide how often you host his parents. 4 nights a month with my in laws would drive me batty and DH and I would end up in therapy for sure. Others are perfectly happy to have family stay for weeks on end. It's not about who is right, it's that your DH isn't respecting your opinion. That is especially important if they come while you are home with the baby and he is at work, or if you end up doing most of the work. A compromise would be ideal - they can come once a month but stay in a hotel, or they stay with you but come every 6-8 weeks. Or once a month with you but for only 2 nights. You get the idea. If your DH isn't willing to budge, it may be time to try therapy. If you can't get on the same page now, it will only be harder as time goes on.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:09     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:You have a baby. The novelty will wear off soon. I think it's really nice that they are making the effort to come and see their grandchild so often. Please don't push them away for that. My kids don't have any grandparents in this country. I think you are being very mean to them and to your DH. Let them stay and do everything, and hide in your room if you can't bear it. Or make plans to go out with your friends or shopping or whatever. Better yet, try and get along with them better.


Hide away. Be passive. Do for your husband and his family otherwise you're mean!

What a messed up viewpoint.

OP, you and your DH should be on the same page. It sounds like the best you could hope for at this point is a compromise of some kind. Like pp said, could you stretch visits to every 6-8 weeks? Could DH and DC go visit them every 3-4 months? Seeing them so often is already wearing on you and there are no signs of improvement. If you let this continue you will resent them even more. We had ILs stay in a hotel form time to time and it was such a good move for all parties. We had time apart to decompress and reconnect in the mornings.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 18:07     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Any way you can get 4 nights down to 2 or 3 nights? Then, I'd plan fun activities for myself on the weekends that the in-laws are visiting - go see an old friend, spa, see a movie by yourself, even overnight trip to see friends far away. Your in-laws and DH can babysit. You may be surprised at how your DH becomes not so thrilled with the visits after you go away for the weekend a few times.


This right here. Let your husband do all the work of hosting them, including whatever preparations are necessary. You can get a much-needed break while your husband enjoys hosting his parents and caring for the baby and doing all the household chores. He can take vacation time from work and spend the days with them!
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 17:53     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
You have a baby. The novelty will wear off soon. I think it's really nice that they are making the effort to come and see their grandchild so often. Please don't push them away for that. My kids don't have any grandparents in this country. I think you are being very mean to them and to your DH. Let them stay and do everything, and hide in your room if you can't bear it. Or make plans to go out with your friends or shopping or whatever. Better yet, try and get along with them better.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 17:52     Subject: I want ILs to stay in a hotel, DH won't budge
Anonymous wrote:Then I would refuse to do any work for them. Who is doing the majority of cooking and cleaning while they are there? Tell your DH it is going to be up to him to clean the house to get it ready, to feed them, etc.

Or just tell your inlaws directly how much stress it puts you under.


This. DH loves to invite people over, but I remind him that he'll need to clean the bathroom...