Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 09:03     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
I disagree that it's merely judgy. Sure, it can be and often is. But to offer advice about a relationship, you have to know about its trajectory. When people come here, they are often in a bad place where they are re-writing history.

"He's *always* so selfish."
"Why did you marry him?"
"Well, he wasn't always so selfish -- [insert background where something changed.]"
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 07:51     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Totally agree. Annoying, passive aggressive, and disingenuous. 99% of the time it's asked to imply judgement and superiority, so I have to disagree with the PPs saying it's useful or could turn into self analysis or whatever. It annoys me mostly because it diverts from the main point of the thread, which is usually to offer real advice, support or encouragement to someone who's in some hellish situation. "Why did you marry him"? Oh, well, duh, I don't know, maybe because Im not as awesome as you are, not so incredibly talented at judging people or excellent in making good life decisions.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 06:31     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Disagree that it's only women who get asked. I've seen it in sexless marriage threads any number of time. (The answer is usually that she liked sex when they got married.)
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 06:23     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:23:22, it's like my Dad used to say, the signs are always there, the question is whether you want to see them.


Totally agree with your father.

The signs are invariably there unless one literally rushes into a marriage.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 05:40     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
23:22, it's like my Dad used to say, the signs are always there, the question is whether you want to see them.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 00:12     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:Some people ask the question to remind you WHY, the good reasons you married your spouse that you may be taking for granted or overlooking now.


+1

It depends on the tone of the question. It's not always an accusation. It's a moment to take a step back and reflect.
Anonymous
Post 01/27/2015 00:10     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.


Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.


Aside from abusive situations, some people also actively work to hide an issue or side of themself that they don't want a partner to know about. When evidence of that comes to light, it's shocking. The person you thought you were marrying isn't the person you married because you were deliberately deceived.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 23:32     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.


Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.


You know I really feel like people on here only direct that question to women on here. I have seen men on here complain about their wife who is SAHMing, that went on for several threads, and not one person asked "why did you marry her?" and basically telling him to deal with it. Instead they pile on criticism of the wife, but when a woman complains about genuine PHYSICAL ABUSE there is always some numbnut asking "Why did you marry him?" as if it as a checkmate to her ability to have any kind of a problem with her DH's behavior. And I think it's bullshit.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 23:22     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.


Many of the problems I see cited here - other than outright abuse - essentially has to do with unrealistic expectations that one spouse expects from the other. I say unrealistic in the sense that some spouses are more inclined to take an active role in child rearing, helping out in the house, communicating, displaying empathy, being demonstrative, excessive spending, being short-tempered, etc.

Most of these apparent "shortcomings" can be identified during a relationship prior to marriage ...... the difference is that during courtship, one or the other partner seems willing to gloss over these problems because they have too much invested in the relationship and don't want to end it. But these areas of friction become magnified and less inclined to be overlooked or glossed over after a period of living together and the disillusionment commences and reaches a breaking point down the line.

So although it may not be constructive to ask why you married him/her, it is still very relevant because in most instances the signs were there but were not heeded.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 22:09     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Knocked up.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 22:00     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
I thought she would change
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 20:16     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Because I was young and stupid and didn't understand how the challenges of life (kids, health issues, money, job loss, temptation) would change us both. Because I assumed that my spouse shared my values.

It's easy to be good when life it easy. It's not until you're tried and tested that a person's real mettle is shown.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 19:57     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
I think it can be a valid question, in a try to remember the good in your spouse way. But usually when someone asks it on here, it's clear that the unspoken subtext is, it's your own fault you're in this mess, you shouldn't have married such a losers you were just desperate and overlooked x y and z.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 18:06     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.


You think people should date 6+ years before getting married?


At least. Bare minimum.




I dated my DH for six weeks. We've been married for 22 years in August. We're pretty happy.


You're an idiot.


NP here. You sound like the idiot.
Anonymous
Post 01/26/2015 18:03     Subject: Why did you marry him/her?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not one of the people who post that question, but I do think it's absolutely crazy that people get married after less than, say, 6 years of dating. So if pointing out how little people knew their spouses before getting married prevents someone else from making the same mistake, I think it's worthwhile.


You think people should date 6+ years before getting married?


At least. Bare minimum.




I dated my DH for six weeks. We've been married for 22 years in August. We're pretty happy.


You're an idiot.