Anonymous
Post 02/03/2015 16:34     Subject: housemate paying rent
My sister, who has a lot of mental health struggles, lived with me rent-free for five years. She was a joy to have around -- brought me a lot of laughter and priceless friendship, even though she had issues of her own. I can imagine if I would have been married at the time, my spouse would not have been cool with the idea of her not paying for anything. That would have made me really sad. I'm not a person who cares a lot about money -- maybe from growing up poor -- but to me there's nothing more important than family. She had jobs during those years and could have paid me something, but I honestly didn't care a thing about that and never even thought to ask her. My sister has thanked me repeatedly in the decade since she's been on her own for supporting her through dark days.
Anonymous
Post 01/25/2015 10:12     Subject: Re:housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

OP - It does sound like your husband and you might benefit from some counseling on how to help his sister stay sober and yet move forward with her own life. I do hope that her trust fund money or at least his part had some stipulations with it of how much access she should have to it. If not, and if it could be pointed out to her the benefit of at least putting some of it aside for a regular, reasonable monthly budget to live on that would be very wise. With a new baby coming, any thought of "direct responsibility" for dear sister's sobriety is way too much for your husband and you by turn to take on without some professional direction on goal setting, transition planning etc. Doesn 't she have a counselor who could give her with you or at least DH sitting in on a session some benchmarks to head towards. Otherwise, it sounds like you have a very pleasant high school grad with no ambition living with you. And it does not bode well for her at age 27 nor you all.

Another basic question - do you work full-time and, if so, do you plan to go back to work? I would not consider leaving your new baby under SILs direct care even part-time at all. She has only made progress to a certain degree, and she has the really hard part still ahead - learning to get back an independent life. I would think topics to explore with her counselor would be possible volunteer work with regular hours, interest classes as mentioned and getting out and doing something perhaps health wise like joining a gym where she would gradually work herself back out into society. Right now she is living in a cocoon of the safe and known, but life is going to change for all once baby arrives and the new baby should be your an dH's priority.


+ 1000


This PP is spot on. I was about to say the same thing about a support group. I don't know what the line is between enabling and supporting someone in that situation but I have no doubt that there are support groups and professionals that can help you and DH find that line. Bottom line is DH loves his sister, he loves his wife, and you both have a newborn on the way. You have to do things that bring you and DH together and that you are a team, not divide the two of you.
Anonymous
Post 01/25/2015 06:22     Subject: housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:

I would not ask for a roof repair. If you were a landlord, that is your responsibility. If you are roommates, shared expenses would be more like utilities and food.


+1
Anonymous
Post 01/25/2015 04:30     Subject: Re:housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:

OP - It does sound like your husband and you might benefit from some counseling on how to help his sister stay sober and yet move forward with her own life. I do hope that her trust fund money or at least his part had some stipulations with it of how much access she should have to it. If not, and if it could be pointed out to her the benefit of at least putting some of it aside for a regular, reasonable monthly budget to live on that would be very wise. With a new baby coming, any thought of "direct responsibility" for dear sister's sobriety is way too much for your husband and you by turn to take on without some professional direction on goal setting, transition planning etc. Doesn 't she have a counselor who could give her with you or at least DH sitting in on a session some benchmarks to head towards. Otherwise, it sounds like you have a very pleasant high school grad with no ambition living with you. And it does not bode well for her at age 27 nor you all.

Another basic question - do you work full-time and, if so, do you plan to go back to work? I would not consider leaving your new baby under SILs direct care even part-time at all. She has only made progress to a certain degree, and she has the really hard part still ahead - learning to get back an independent life. I would think topics to explore with her counselor would be possible volunteer work with regular hours, interest classes as mentioned and getting out and doing something perhaps health wise like joining a gym where she would gradually work herself back out into society. Right now she is living in a cocoon of the safe and known, but life is going to change for all once baby arrives and the new baby should be your an dH's priority.


+ 1000
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 20:00     Subject: Re:housemate paying rent


OP - It does sound like your husband and you might benefit from some counseling on how to help his sister stay sober and yet move forward with her own life. I do hope that her trust fund money or at least his part had some stipulations with it of how much access she should have to it. If not, and if it could be pointed out to her the benefit of at least putting some of it aside for a regular, reasonable monthly budget to live on that would be very wise. With a new baby coming, any thought of "direct responsibility" for dear sister's sobriety is way too much for your husband and you by turn to take on without some professional direction on goal setting, transition planning etc. Doesn 't she have a counselor who could give her with you or at least DH sitting in on a session some benchmarks to head towards. Otherwise, it sounds like you have a very pleasant high school grad with no ambition living with you. And it does not bode well for her at age 27 nor you all.

Another basic question - do you work full-time and, if so, do you plan to go back to work? I would not consider leaving your new baby under SILs direct care even part-time at all. She has only made progress to a certain degree, and she has the really hard part still ahead - learning to get back an independent life. I would think topics to explore with her counselor would be possible volunteer work with regular hours, interest classes as mentioned and getting out and doing something perhaps health wise like joining a gym where she would gradually work herself back out into society. Right now she is living in a cocoon of the safe and known, but life is going to change for all once baby arrives and the new baby should be your an dH's priority.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 12:32     Subject: housemate paying rent
Can she earn her keep in other ways?

Perhaps when the new baby arrives, can she assist you with childcare duties?

Also, does she help out with cooking, cleaning, laundry and/or grocery shopping every now and then?
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 12:05     Subject: housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Oh forgot key detail (OP here): DH gave his sister all his trust fund money to support her


What??? Your DH is a total sucker for his sister. That's the problem, not the rent, which she clearly should be paying you if that is the case.



Yikes, giving an addict all of that money isn't wise; hopefully she doesn't have easy access to those funds.
It's a different story when she has put in the time in recovery and turned her life around, but she's certainly not there yet.
If she relapses that money is gone.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 10:11     Subject: housemate paying rent
I just don't get how she isn't expected to pay room and board simply because she is recovering. I mean honestly! She doesn't sound like a total basket case... She just sounds lazy. Part of recovery is returning to normalcy. Sitting around painting and occasionally picking up milk for you is kind if dumb. It's called freeloading but apparently that's okay because "her brain chemistry"
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 08:17     Subject: housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:She needs time. Trust your DH, as he knows her and her history mich better than you do. Really, you should be supporting your DH.


He is an enabler.
Anonymous
Post 01/24/2015 07:04     Subject: housemate paying rent
She needs time. Trust your DH, as he knows her and her history mich better than you do. Really, you should be supporting your DH.
Anonymous
Post 01/23/2015 22:06     Subject: housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:Oh forgot key detail (OP here): DH gave his sister all his trust fund money to support her


What??? Your DH is a total sucker for his sister. That's the problem, not the rent, which she clearly should be paying you if that is the case.

Anonymous
Post 01/23/2015 22:02     Subject: housemate paying rent
Anonymous wrote:PPs saying that it is rude and disrespectful to ask for money are forgetting something. The world doesn't stop spinning because you are "working on sobriety". Most rehabs charge money. Part of being a functional adult is paying rent or a mortgage and supporting yourself. This should not throw her into relapse and if it does, she needs to grow up.


Addiction changes your brain chemistry to the point that you basically stop emotionally growing once you start using. So if she started using at, say 16, you're basically living with a teenager right now. Telling her to "grow up" isn't really helpful. If you don't need the money, then drop it at least for the next six months or so. She may be out of rehab, but a month or two of sobriety is still very early in the process.