Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:57     Subject: Players
Anonymous wrote:
If he hasn't already. Players can never leave the game for long.


Exactly. Just like cheaters.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:53     Subject: Players
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.



I hope you are correct about this one but my guess is that in ten years he will be back to his old ways and I also wonder if you will ever really trust him.


If he hasn't already. Players can never leave the game for long.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:46     Subject: Players
Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.


I have a friend/frenemy who is like this. He found 'The One' he says. Funny thing is , SHE'S playing him-keeping him on a very short leash and bleeding him dry. It's sad and yet kind of funny
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:39     Subject: Players
Anonymous wrote:
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.




But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?


Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.





I agree on the part about wanting sex and romantic attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when ethics and compassion and treating people with respect fly out the window, you are not dealing with a decent guy. There are ways to have sex without being an ass.

To the PP who talked about trying to be in an open relationship with a player and getting lied to anyway: I have been in that situation, yes, and it sucked. But even when there is honesty, you are still dealing with a man who does not necessarily have the capability of honor, empathy, and real attachment so, no matter what, you are going to end up in a bad place at some point with this person.


I don't agree about them not having honor or empathy, but yes, when are you involved with someone who is involved with other people, and having sex with all of you, and going with whichever one seems fun that night, then no, you aren't going to get him to be attached to you when that's how the relationship starts.




By definition, a player is a liar and manipulator who doesn't care who he hurts:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=player
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:36     Subject: Players
The problem is, sometimes you genuinely don't know a guy is a player. We all have this image in our mind of what a player looks like, what he acts like. He's good-looking and smooth. Right? But in my experience, a lot of my guy friends are technically players - they have slept with plenty of women with no real intention of getting serious about any of them. And some of these guys are nothing special - they're not super attractive, tall and well-built, great head of hair - they're just average. But nobody thinks a guy who is just average looking can attract a bunch of women, so those guys can fly under the radar.

I'm pretty good at avoiding players. My bigger problem is I keep finding guys who are wary of commitment because I'm so anxious to avoid a clingy guy that I go too far in the other direction.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:06     Subject: Players
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.




But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?


Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.





I agree on the part about wanting sex and romantic attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when ethics and compassion and treating people with respect fly out the window, you are not dealing with a decent guy. There are ways to have sex without being an ass.

To the PP who talked about trying to be in an open relationship with a player and getting lied to anyway: I have been in that situation, yes, and it sucked. But even when there is honesty, you are still dealing with a man who does not necessarily have the capability of honor, empathy, and real attachment so, no matter what, you are going to end up in a bad place at some point with this person.


I don't agree about them not having honor or empathy, but yes, when are you involved with someone who is involved with other people, and having sex with all of you, and going with whichever one seems fun that night, then no, you aren't going to get him to be attached to you when that's how the relationship starts.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 11:03     Subject: Players
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.



I hope you are correct about this one but my guess is that in ten years he will be back to his old ways and I also wonder if you will ever really trust him.


Ehh, I doubt it. He had many years of being able to do this to girls. He said he got sick of it. Sex wasn't even something he was excited to do, cause he didn't really give a shit about any of them and it was always there. You never know what people are doing, but we live together. He'd rather stay in or go to dinner or go see a movie than go do the bar scene, because he did it for so long. If either of us are invited out to do something, 95% of the time, we're doing it together.

I mean, he could be having sex with someone on his lunch breaks (like my coworker does...). But, he hasn't given me a reason not to trust him. I'm not going to assume he's doing anything wrong because he was a manwhore in his 20's and early 30's.
Elektra
Post 01/15/2015 11:00     Subject: Players
Anonymous wrote:
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.




But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?


Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.





I agree on the part about wanting sex and romantic attention. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when ethics and compassion and treating people with respect fly out the window, you are not dealing with a decent guy. There are ways to have sex without being an ass.

To the PP who talked about trying to be in an open relationship with a player and getting lied to anyway: I have been in that situation, yes, and it sucked. But even when there is honesty, you are still dealing with a man who does not necessarily have the capability of honor, empathy, and real attachment so, no matter what, you are going to end up in a bad place at some point with this person.
Elektra
Post 01/15/2015 10:53     Subject: Players
Anonymous wrote:For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.



I hope you are correct about this one but my guess is that in ten years he will be back to his old ways and I also wonder if you will ever really trust him.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 10:51     Subject: Players
Elektra wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.




But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?


Sure. Wanting sex isn't shameful (despite cultural messages to the contrary), and enjoying the romantic attentions of women is perfectly normal. These are very strong motivators for a great many men, good and bad alike. Responding to strong incentives doesn't make a guy bad. For guys motivated by these incentives (sex and attention), it comes down to a choice between reacting to what women say they want in a man or reacting to what women act like they want in a man. Words are wind, as the man said. To the extent women, particularly in those oh so formative teen years, are chasing after guys who treat people decently, there is no dissonance. But, to the extent they're chasing after the guys who gave other guys wedgies, the message comes across loud and clear.

Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 10:46     Subject: Players
So how many okay guys did you turn down for your chance at this guy?

I'm not talking about the MRA/incel crowd, I'm talking about the crowd that's balding, 20-40 pounds overweight, or doesn't work a fascinating/$250k and up job.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 10:35     Subject: Players
For him, you just weren't worth settling down with.

My fiance was a player. He was "seeing" 3 or 4 girls simultaneously when we started dating. And by seeing, I mean pretty much using them for sex and fun and whatever else they'd give him, even though they knew he wasn't calling them his girlfriend.

I was dating someone else too though, so, I didn't care and I wasn't sleeping with him. When he wanted to be exclusive and have sex with me, he had already stopped talking to all the other girls by then. Actually, on the second date, he let me know he was telling the other girls he wasn't able to go out with them anymore because he was seeing someone.

Some players do end their ways...they've just gotta want to do it and find someone they want to do it with.
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 10:24     Subject: Players
Elektra wrote:I have talked to a lot of women who were seeing players and they were getting into endless discussions of "does he love me?" and "what motivates the things he does?" I could see their behavior and I wondered why they would stay in that situation. I thought I was immune to the effects of having a relationship with a "player" because I wasn't asking for fidelity. What I failed to recognize was that I was exactly like those women, thinking I was somehow different. In the end, what you are to a player is a woman to have sex with. They do not see you as different from the others. In fact, if they have chosen you, it is probably because they see you as passive, sweet, and more likely to put up with a lot of crap. So if you happen to last a little longer than the average woman does with a player, don't assume that this means he will miss you when you're gone. You are a piece of ass to him and pieces of ass are expendable.


Exactly! Open relationships are one thing when two people consent. When someone lies and steals power from the other person by taking on other partners and hiding sexual activities they are violating the other person and showing they don't care about the other person. Making that person just a sex toy or piece of ass.
Elektra
Post 01/15/2015 10:17     Subject: Players
Anonymous wrote:Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior. [/quote]



But can you really call them "good guys" if they are susceptible to that kind of influence?
Anonymous
Post 01/15/2015 10:11     Subject: Players
Players also help reduce the number of available good guys there are in the dating market. The (otherwise) good guys see what sorts of behavior is rewarded by sex and attention and try to emulate that behavior.