Anonymous wrote:Banning her from the bedroom is what I was going to suggest. Remind your husband that this is where you have the most sex and that it doesn't put you in the mood knowing that your MIL has just been in your space and may return at any moment.

DH needs to talk with her.

Also, I think you can offer her bedroom as her own private space. Mutual respect for "tight living quarters" especially with everyone getting less sleep with the baby (or something like that).

I also agree that MIL should remember that you miss the baby all day and would love a little cuddle time when you get home from work. She should empathize if nothing else. But don't tell her to "step away" -- that's likely to hurt.

Seems like things are getting better. You work on being honest/straight with her when something really bothers you. And also subtly/slowly work on getting her to be more independent and developing her own interests. That's good for all of you.

Just remember this is all part of being a family. It's work. But it's good.

I think you can have a conversation with her. Explain that you look forward to seeing the baby after work and it's important to bond with the infant. Maybe she could find an activity to do in the evenings? like a book club or yoga class?

Sorry OP, but this is the ultimate problem with having your MIL serve as your nanny. It's not perfect but what the heck do you expect when she is living with you and serving as your nanny?

Anonymous wrote:Oh give the OP a break. They have an arrangement in whcih the MIL lives with them- guessing it's a big sacrifice for the OP evn though she gets great benefits.

OP, no advise, just sorry - sounds tough.

OP again. Thanks everyone who offered support and input.

I talked to DH about it today and he was very understanding, especially since he knew it really rubbed me the wrong way when yesterday she told me, "your breast milk is too thin, when can I start giving baby something heavier?" He agreed our bedroom can/should be an MIL-free zone, starting with keeping the door shut. She still knocked and came in (once he said ok) to give him something tonight, but she didn't hang out. I'll be stepping up the closed-door policy for sure, and hopefully that will help.

As one PP suggested, I do give her curt answers or medical-type explanations when it comes to her concerns about baby's welfare/health, including blaming the pediatrician. Sometimes I change it up and attribute to my own mom, who's a family doc.

To answer another PP's question, I am not from their culture. DH moved to the U.S. around the age of 9 or 10 so he's pretty Americanized. Once or twice when I was super annoyed with MIL's comments I said something to the effect of, "well lots has changed in the past 35 years, and here we do have the benefits of first-world medicine and amenities..."

Anyway thanks again for the responses. Today was a little better than yesterday.

Oh give the OP a break. They have an arrangement in whcih the MIL lives with them- guessing it's a big sacrifice for the OP evn though she gets great benefits.

OP, no advise, just sorry - sounds tough.

This is why I'd rather divorce than live with my MIL. Nevah evah. It would be great not to pay for childcare, but I'd rather throw money at the problem than get my MIL or my own mother involved. No wrestling child out of anyone's arms, no guilt tripping or giving up my privacy. I need to be able to fire the childcare provider if she does something against my wishes, not smile and swallow it from MIL. I think both my mom and MIL are too batty to be allowed to watch the kid unsupervised. YMMW if the older generation is more reasonable in your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no help at all from family. I think you are lucky & should count your blessings. We are all annoying.

+1

I can not understand people who complain about free help. Suck it up.

You can't understand because you don't have it. Free help always comes a at a price.

And the OP's MIL is getting free housing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no help at all from family. I think you are lucky & should count your blessings. We are all annoying.

+1

I can not understand people who complain about free help. Suck it up.

You can't understand because you don't have it. Free help always comes a at a price.

Anonymous wrote:I have no help at all from family. I think you are lucky & should count your blessings. We are all annoying.

+1

I can not understand people who complain about free help. Suck it up.

I have no idea what OP is talking about. Both the grandmothers are in their own worlds, even though one lives down the street. We got the selfish hand, unfortunately.

But OP, the first thing I noticed about your post is that you need boundaries. Did she pay for your house? She needs to not come into your bedroom, for one.

I have no help at all from family. I think you are lucky & should count your blessings. We are all annoying.

Your DH needs to set some ground rules w/ MIL, your bedroom is off limits (get a lock too) and once you and/or DH are home at the end of the work day your MIL's duties are over and you/DH take over baby duty, no if's ands or buts about it. This can be done nicely. I believe PP have offered ideas of giving MIL movie passes which is a gread idea if she drives and like movies, or give her gift card for Starbucks, Panera, etc. tell her to go relax, have a coffee/tea and read a book or meet a friend out.

Anonymous wrote:Are you paying her or is it free childcare? If it's free, I guess you get what you pay for. What does she get out of it except enjoyment of your kid? Does she also help out around the house? You have to put up with her if you're not paying her. For your own sanity, you need ground rules and she needs to back off when you're home. But what else is she supposed to do with herself if her whole life is taking care of your kid and she sees your kid more than you do? Now she's the expert on your kid. I sort of feel like you don't have much room to stand your ground when you're getting a very good deal here. If you want more freedom with your kid, then hire a stranger.

OP here. We are not paying her, she volunteered to watch the baby to help out. She retired last summer and has nothing better to do with herself. You're probably right about the baby being too much of her life, I agree, but she does not see more of my kid than I do and she definitely is not an expert on anything about my kid. For one, this arrangement just started recently; for two, I sometimes work from home and get to see the baby throughout the day; for three, whenever I am home and not working I take over baby-care. Hence the "wresting away" comment I made. But you are also right in that I'm getting a good deal, I'm lucky as I stated at the top of my original post. That's why I was looking for advice on standing my ground while still respecting and appreciating the good things she's doing with us. I do appreciate it, but her helping us out doesn't give her carte blanche to have 24/7 access to the kid and no boundaries. That line is what I am seeking.

Are you paying her or is it free childcare? If it's free, I guess you get what you pay for. What does she get out of it except enjoyment of your kid? Does she also help out around the house? You have to put up with her if you're not paying her. For your own sanity, you need ground rules and she needs to back off when you're home. But what else is she supposed to do with herself if her whole life is taking care of your kid and she sees your kid more than you do? Now she's the expert on your kid. I sort of feel like you don't have much room to stand your ground when you're getting a very good deal here. If you want more freedom with your kid, then hire a stranger.