Anonymous wrote:A cousin's daughter, whom we've never met, may be staying with us for a few weeks this summer while she takes an English class. (Her family lives in Western Europe.) I would like to let the family know what rules will be in place during her visit, so that she can decide whether she wants to go through with it, but our kids are pre-teens, so I don't know what's reasonable.

Alcohol, drugs (including marijuana), and cigarettes are non-negotiable; if she uses any of them while she's with us, whether or not she does it in our house, she's going home. But what else should we be thinking about?

TIA.

If you approached my child (who doesn't do those things) with a tone suggesting that he does do these things, he would be insulted. He wouldn't feel welcome if presumed guilty before arriving. Some of the posters already assume the worst of this girl. That said, teens push boundaries -- that is what they do. If you are unable to roll with the punches at all not even one little bit, then you probably aren't ready to host a teen and should probably say so to your cousin. (Which would be awkward and close off opportunities for your family in the future...)

We hosted a 14 yr old from Europe last summer, for six weeks. Before she came, we let her know (with her parents there, all via Skype) that she had to obey the laws in this country (re smoking, drinking, drugs) as well as our house rules. If we found her breaking any, we'd put her on a plane home within 48 hours. We made sure there were no language barriers.

To be fair though, we explained that these were the rules for EVERYONE in the house. Dh and I decided we would not drink at the dinner table (we drank at restaurants, but not at home). Nobody is allowed to bring electronics to the table at mealtime. None of the kids can bring an electronic to a family outing. We did not give her a curfew because we wanted to know where she was at all times. Within a week of being here she'd made friends and would ask "Can I go see a movie and then hang out at the mall with Julie?" and we'd agree to pick her up at 9pm or whatever time. When she complained we were embarrassing her (I walked into a party she'd been invited to, in order to meet the parent she claimed would be home), we brushed her off saying "Then don't go. If you want to go, this is the hoop you need to jump through. Besides you're not from here - you'll never see these people again." She got over herself. We made fun of the American stereotypes that we fit (hovering/coddling parents) that frustrated her.

It worked out just fine.

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I don't know why people are giving you a hard time.

An understanding about a curfew is essential.

Also, you should discuss alcohol and cigarettes. I know high school students who have studied abroad. The drinking age in Europe is 16 and Europeans smoke more than we do in the U.S. She might have very different ideas.

I would reach out to the family. Good luck!

The drinking age is not 16 in all countries in Europe. A lot more of Europe is smoke free than it was 10 years ago.

It isn't that you should talk to her about these things, but you should have the facts about what the drinking age is in her country and how smoking is viewed there.

Anonymous wrote:She's 15. I wouldn't hand her a list of "alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes are non-negotiable" when she walks in.

If she gets INTO one of those things, you lay down that law. But raising it with her preemptively seems strange. I mean, good Lord, she's 15 and living with you for a short period of time -- when will she have an opportunity to smoke, drink, or get high?

Stick to pick up after yourself, clear your place, no tampons in the toilet, etc.

My high schooler just LOL!

damm you people are nuts. OP has every right to lay down house rules. It's her house. No wonder kids these days are like this coz the rest of you allow them to walk all over your heads.

furthermore, OP will be responsible for the 15 yo safety. That means curfew rules and everything thing she mentioned.

I think it is worth communicating to her parents that it is illeagal to purchase or consume tobacco and alchohol in this country at her age.

I also think it is worth confirming money supports, ie would she need $10 for tonight who pays?

Also checkin, i.e. what time she needs to be home, if she goes to an overnight somewhere with her program or with a friend when she needs to let you know. To me the big issue here is that you need a system to make sure she does not come to harm and you don't know it for two days.

Also do consider the rules of the parents, who knows it is possible they are strictor than yours, even Europe it happens.

Why aren't you talking to your cousin? You could easily say. "we have a smoke-free home. I'm guessing that won't be a problem for Mary?" If you have been assured by parents that she doesn't smoke, you should assume she doesn't smoke. And you assume there will not be any illegal activity (alcohol, drugs - and actually smoking at 15yr) Don't really think you need to spell-out, "No Illegal Activity". That's assumed.

11:00pm would be fine as a curfew for a 15yr old. That's assuming she has any friends and is going out. She might not.

Again, that might be a topic to discuss with the parents. It's not like you have to say "yes" to this without an firm understanding.

OP - Your house guest will still be a minor so you will be responsible for her overall well-being, and your approach makes perfectly good sense in that underage drinking here is illegal. Also, she is at a questionable age in terms of living perhaps in a more hands off society, she may well gravitate to an older teen or even 20s something social grouping. So I would ask a direct question of her folks about the kind of social group they would want her hanging out with while in your home. Is she going to be expecting to be able to use say a false ID, to go clubbing and ifso till what hours? Also, again being from another country, what if she comes to you with ideas of a day trip or even an overnight beach jaunt with others she has met here. I assume you will have the permission from her folks to deal with any emergencies.These are all very reasonable concerns to be discussed.

OP here. I don't particularly care about her use of electronics, attitude toward meals, etc. Those are all fairly trivial, and we will either roll with it or let her know if we feel that things are getting out of hand. I do care about safety, and that is why my position on alcohol, drugs, and smoking is non-negotiable. I'm not planning to staple a list of rules to the wall; I will have this discussion with the parents before the plans are finalized. We don't know the parents well, but having lived in Europe, we know that expectations regarding alcohol and smoking at least can be somewhat different and want to make sure that we are all on the same page. Asking about their house rules in other areas is a good suggestion, and I will start there.

Anonymous wrote:I would ask her parents what their current house rules are about things like electronics, meals, curfews, etc. Seeing as you don't have any policies in place, I see no reason not to just follow theirs. If you don't like the rules her family follows, then you should probably just tell them you don't think it will work out, as all of your expectations will just be too different.

I would start with her family's house rules and then add modify based on what is LEGAL here.

I agree with PP who said to reach out to her family initially. Find out what they are used to. Teens get treated more like adults in Europe, in general.

I would feel perfectly fine saying no smoking in the house though, if that's an issue.

OP,

I don't know why people are giving you a hard time.

An understanding about a curfew is essential.

Also, you should discuss alcohol and cigarettes. I know high school students who have studied abroad. The drinking age in Europe is 16 and Europeans smoke more than we do in the U.S. She might have very different ideas.

I would reach out to the family. Good luck!

OP, think about your (presumably good) child going off to another family to spend the night. Would you want her to be greeted with a lecture about drugs, alcohol, and the consequences of rule breaking being that she would be immediately streeted? I think that's really, really, over the top harsh.

Anonymous wrote:Please don't forget that she must fold her cloth napkin after each meal, wash or put in the dishwasher her plate, fold up the couch-bed each morning and put her suitcase in the corner.

And this was funny.

Anonymous wrote:I would ask her parents what their current house rules are about things like electronics, meals, curfews, etc. Seeing as you don't have any policies in place, I see no reason not to just follow theirs. If you don't like the rules her family follows, then you should probably just tell them you don't think it will work out, as all of your expectations will just be too different.

This is a good one.