PP again...put yourself in your DH's shoes, and the OM's wife.
Broaden your perspective so you see beyond your own needs.

Anonymous wrote:How would your husband feel about this OP? Are you having the kind of relationship where you're hiding feelings, or one where your husband is completely aware of the nature of the friendship?

Therein lies your answer. You cannot maintain a happy marriage if you are having relationships that you're concealing or that are (or would) cause harm to your spouse.

+1

You know the truth in your gut, OP. Your spouse would in no way be okay with this, and just hoping for things to eventually fizzle with this guy is a terrible plan, and won't work. It's clear you don't want to give up this OM and are trying to rationalize a way into making this kosher, but it's just not. Especially if the OM is unhappy in his marriage; you will be a barrier to them working it out, plain and simple. You need to take steps to end this relationship, or set up some very firm boundaries.

OP, how would you feel if you found out DH had a similar relationship that he was keeping partly hidden from you? Be honest.

I've come to the conclusion that you do not need to act on increasing feelings for someone who is not your spouse for it to damage your marriage.

How would your husband feel about this OP? Are you having the kind of relationship where you're hiding feelings, or one where your husband is completely aware of the nature of the friendship?

Therein lies your answer. You cannot maintain a happy marriage if you are having relationships that you're concealing or that are (or would) cause harm to your spouse.

Anonymous wrote:What's the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair? Is it professed physical attraction to each other but not acting on it? Living in a state of perpetual sexual tension?

Yup. I have friends who are men but I think of them the same way as my brothers. Zero sexual attraction. Having an emotional connection + physical attraction is a slippery slope to an affair and not just an emotional one. Why bother? Who needs that kind of drama when you already have a happy life with your spouse?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friendship with a mutual underlying attraction. I don't want to give up the friendship but am attracted to two men simultaneously and married to only one of them. I imagine that time will force the friendship to sever both ties, but I am trying to picture a world where I can have both as long as nothing becomes physical. Like, is it ever ok to have a flirty friendship??

To above P, why do say that time will force a separation? Do you think the OM will move on? Is the OM married? How long have you known the OM?

Well, my guess is that time will force a separation because both of us are married with kids and we have a pretty strong connection to each other. I will never let things get physical, my family is my world, so it is my hope that in time the feelings will fizzle and we will be left with just a friendship. My gut tells me that it will not go down like that, but that's my goal and I will try not to let things get flirty so that maybe my actions can lead it that way. I hope that the OM will move on but his wife isn't into being a wife anymore, so unless he chooses to separate and then finds someone else dating then maybe that's how he will move on. I truly want the best for him which is ideally for him and his wife to find their way back to happiness and for us to remain friends. We've only known each other 3 months, but our bond and friendship has been rather instantaneous.

Anonymous wrote:Friendship with a mutual underlying attraction. I don't want to give up the friendship but am attracted to two men simultaneously and married to only one of them. I imagine that time will force the friendship to sever both ties, but I am trying to picture a world where I can have both as long as nothing becomes physical. Like, is it ever ok to have a flirty friendship??

To above P, why do say that time will force a separation? Do you think the OM will move on? Is the OM married? How long have you known the OM?

I think the question is whether it's possible to love two people at once, and the answer is yes, for some people. Google polyamory. However, it seems inevitable to compare the two loves at some point.

I do not speak from experience though.

Anonymous wrote:Does a close friendship really signify an emotional affair???

I have a male friend and we text each other every now and then...sometimes at night...and sometimes it may border on flirting (not so much direct sexual flirting; more joking around and teasing). There's an unspoken attraction, but it's solidly based in a close friendship more than anything else...and I don't think it's an emotional affair.

My DH has seen many of the texts since I don't regularly clean out my inbox, and he knows the guy. I have deleted a few texts that might have crossed a line or been questionable (from the guy to me), but I still don't think it's an emotional affair.

Am I wrong?

Anyways, DH and I have a good marriage filled with lots of sex, so I have no real need to search for something in another man. Having said that, I do value my friendship with the guy.

Who do you think about first when you wake up in the morning or when you're falling asleep?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Happily married means NO AFFAIR. PERIOD.

Not true.

Maybe happy people don't have affairs or mentally healthy people don't have affairs... But it is not true that happily married people don't have affairs.

I'm happily married and can't imagine getting into something with OM that would be an "emotional affair". I just can't. I guess my husband also satisfies me emotionally, and that makes me happily married in that way? If he didn't, I don't think I would be happily married.

It says more about you as an individual than it says about your marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Does a close friendship really signify an emotional affair???

I have a male friend and we text each other every now and then...sometimes at night...and sometimes it may border on flirting (not so much direct sexual flirting; more joking around and teasing). There's an unspoken attraction, but it's solidly based in a close friendship more than anything else...and I don't think it's an emotional affair.

My DH has seen many of the texts since I don't regularly clean out my inbox, and he knows the guy. I have deleted a few texts that might have crossed a line or been questionable (from the guy to me), but I still don't think it's an emotional affair.

Am I wrong?

Anyways, DH and I have a good marriage filled with lots of sex, so I have no real need to search for something in another man. Having said that, I do value my friendship with the guy.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. You are with your dh, sleeping with only him, Dh sees your texts...if your friend was female would you feel you were wrong?

Anonymous wrote:Does a close friendship really signify an emotional affair???

I have a male friend and we text each other every now and then...sometimes at night...and sometimes it may border on flirting (not so much direct sexual flirting; more joking around and teasing). There's an unspoken attraction, but it's solidly based in a close friendship more than anything else...and I don't think it's an emotional affair.

My DH has seen many of the texts since I don't regularly clean out my inbox, and he knows the guy. I have deleted a few texts that might have crossed a line or been questionable (from the guy to me), but I still don't think it's an emotional affair.

Am I wrong?

Anyways, DH and I have a good marriage filled with lots of sex, so I have no real need to search for something in another man. Having said that, I do value my friendship with the guy.

DH here. Have a similar relationship w a female. She has what appears to be a very happy marriage marriage. Mine is pretty strong (we fight infrequently, have regular sex, try to respect each other's needs) Female friend and I don't really talk about our spouses. And, while we flirt a little (similar teasing to poster above) we don't talk about anything sexual. We text, but never late at night. I think we both try to maintain certain boundaries.

We both rely upon each other emotionally and other than our marriages and sex, we probably talk about everything else. We also have told each other how important the other is - but never in a way referring to love or a long-term relationship - just thankful for our friendship and positive qualities we like in the other. Sometimes I feel sexual tension - but I'm a guy, so it's probably imagined.

When one of us is on vacation I try to avoid all contact. She sometimes breaks that rule - I don't think she has the same rule for herself. But, again, it's just a hello. Hope everything is good type contact. Never, I miss you.

I'm sure most would classify our relationship as an EA.

Does a close friendship really signify an emotional affair???

I have a male friend and we text each other every now and then...sometimes at night...and sometimes it may border on flirting (not so much direct sexual flirting; more joking around and teasing). There's an unspoken attraction, but it's solidly based in a close friendship more than anything else...and I don't think it's an emotional affair.

My DH has seen many of the texts since I don't regularly clean out my inbox, and he knows the guy. I have deleted a few texts that might have crossed a line or been questionable (from the guy to me), but I still don't think it's an emotional affair.

Am I wrong?

Anyways, DH and I have a good marriage filled with lots of sex, so I have no real need to search for something in another man. Having said that, I do value my friendship with the guy.

You are married, but not dead. Of course you can have feelings for two people. No brainer when you actually think instead of taking your cues from Disney Movies.

Anonymous wrote:What's the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair? Is it professed physical attraction to each other but not acting on it? Living in a state of perpetual sexual tension?

14:54 here. It's not just sexual tension. I think an EA happens when you start talking to the other person in ways that you would normally talk to your spouse. Relying on them for emotional support. I've had guy friends before that I did not do this with. There was a barrier between us, topics we would not discuss. With the man I fell in love with, those barriers are gone. We share everything. We talk all the time. DH used to be my best friend, but now that role is filled by this other guy.