Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 09:20     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.


Oh,no this must be dealt with immediately.

MIL to 2 yr old grandson: A monkey could put this puzzle together. You aren't concentrating.
You: Madge, could you come in the kitchen with me?
You: Husband, can you come in the kitchen? (Wait for husband to come)
You: Madge, Bill and I are very clear about this: our children will be raised in a positive, loving environment. You have many loving qualities and we want our son to have a positive relationship with his grandmother. However, if you choose to continue with demeaning comments like "A monkey could put this puzzle together" then we will choose to spend our time without you. It's that simple. I need to get back to spending time with our son. Please join us.


Way too much drama.

A simple "You are doing great, Larlo" is just as effective. She's not going to change.




Yeah, don't do the big in-the-kitchen meeting. She won't get it and won't change. I know because my parents are like this (both of them!). Everything is negative, and everything is always my fault (or my sibling's fault). The best example I can think of is one time when I was in my early 20s and driving my father somewhere. I was stopped at a stop sign when the woman behind me plowed into me. I was stopped at a stop sign and she didn't stop, so rear-ended me. My father turned to me and said, "well, you chose this road."

I don't allow my child to be alone with them and try to run interference on the negativity when they're around.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 09:15     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.


Wow. DH talks to her in no uncertain terms, and you cut back on visits if she doesn't change.

Both of you step in when she says crap like that. "What an unkind thing to say! Marge, remember what we discussed. If you can't be kind, we will have to ask you to leave/leave."
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 09:13     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.



Is your MIL from a different culture? Not American?




OP here again and MIL is American - very American family going back nearly 150 years.

And yes, she lives here - we see her too often!

Thanks for the advice and empathy. Yes, this sucks. I want my child (and any future children) to have a relationship with their paternal grandmother but I don't want her to inflict the same damage on our kids that she did DH and his siblings.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 09:11     Subject: Re:How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:Correct your MIL in front of your child and step in to do whatever parenting action you feel is right. And never leave her alone with Grandma until she is old enough to know that Grandma is full of shit.

PS I love that your MIL gives her children no acknowledgement for being top students. It is all about her. I know a woman who takes full credit for her son's impressive accomplishments in his work by having a message on her phone that identifies her as, "This is John Smith's mother".


And do it calmly and consistently. You need to have more willpower than she has.

Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 09:08     Subject: Re:How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
I agree with the other posters who said to correct your MIL in front of DC and never let her alone with him until he is old enough to laugh in her face.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 09:00     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.


Oh,no this must be dealt with immediately.

MIL to 2 yr old grandson: A monkey could put this puzzle together. You aren't concentrating.
You: Madge, could you come in the kitchen with me?
You: Husband, can you come in the kitchen? (Wait for husband to come)
You: Madge, Bill and I are very clear about this: our children will be raised in a positive, loving environment. You have many loving qualities and we want our son to have a positive relationship with his grandmother. However, if you choose to continue with demeaning comments like "A monkey could put this puzzle together" then we will choose to spend our time without you. It's that simple. I need to get back to spending time with our son. Please join us.


Way too much drama.

A simple "You are doing great, Larlo" is just as effective. She's not going to change.




Yeah, don't do the big in-the-kitchen meeting. She won't get it and won't change. I know because my parents are like this (both of them!). Everything is negative, and everything is always my fault (or my sibling's fault). The best example I can think of is one time when I was in my early 20s and driving my father somewhere. I was stopped at a stop sign when the woman behind me plowed into me. I was stopped at a stop sign and she didn't stop, so rear-ended me. My father turned to me and said, "well, you chose this road."

I don't allow my child to be alone with them and try to run interference on the negativity when they're around.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:53     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:If your son trips and falls and she blames him, you can say, "Don't worry, sweetie. Accidents happen and everyone trips at some point. Let me give you a hug to make you feel better." In other words, just say your message and ignore grandma's. If yours contradicts hers, so be it. Having his back and raising him your way are the most important things. As he gets older, you can explain that grandma has her own way of looking at things, and your way is sometimes very different. He should respect grandma but listen to you, and come to you if he ever has questions. You can also gently call her out at the time, like "oh, Larla, everyone trips, don't they? It's not about blaming, is it?"


Absolutely perfect.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:52     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.


Wow, this sucks. No advice, but good luck, OP!
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:51     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.


Oh,no this must be dealt with immediately.

MIL to 2 yr old grandson: A monkey could put this puzzle together. You aren't concentrating.
You: Madge, could you come in the kitchen with me?
You: Husband, can you come in the kitchen? (Wait for husband to come)
You: Madge, Bill and I are very clear about this: our children will be raised in a positive, loving environment. You have many loving qualities and we want our son to have a positive relationship with his grandmother. However, if you choose to continue with demeaning comments like "A monkey could put this puzzle together" then we will choose to spend our time without you. It's that simple. I need to get back to spending time with our son. Please join us.


Way too much drama.

A simple "You are doing great, Larlo" is just as effective. She's not going to change.



Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:49     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.



Is your MIL from a different culture? Not American?

Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:46     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
It's going to be awesome when you're an MIL in about 30 years.

I can see it now

How to tell DS that his wife is wrong pretty much all the time?
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:29     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Preschool teacher here...there's a huge difference between a kid falling down and getting a little bump and telling him to brush it off and keep going and when a kid truly hurts themselves and needs a hug and Comfort instead of "suck it up buttercup." Im guessing mil doesn't know the difference and I imagine Op knows the difference.

Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:18     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Has she already made these comments to your 2 year old? Or are you anticipating the nasty comments to start soon?

You have to deal with each comment as she says it. Correct her right there on the spot. Show your son you have his back and will stand up for him. Actions speak louder than words.


OP here - Yes, the "a monkey could put this puzzle together - you aren't concentrating" type comments have already begun.


Oh,no this must be dealt with immediately.

MIL to 2 yr old grandson: A monkey could put this puzzle together. You aren't concentrating.
You: Madge, could you come in the kitchen with me?
You: Husband, can you come in the kitchen? (Wait for husband to come)
You: Madge, Bill and I are very clear about this: our children will be raised in a positive, loving environment. You have many loving qualities and we want our son to have a positive relationship with his grandmother. However, if you choose to continue with demeaning comments like "A monkey could put this puzzle together" then we will choose to spend our time without you. It's that simple. I need to get back to spending time with our son. Please join us.



Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:15     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
How often do you see her? She sounds horrible. I'd cut the visits back.

Though I do think your interactions with your child are more important than Grandma's. He'll figure out himself that grandma is someone he doesn't want to spend time with.
Anonymous
Post 01/07/2015 08:14     Subject: How to tell DC that his grandmother is wrong (pretty much all the time).
Anonymous wrote:Kids will figure stuff like this out for themselves.


OP, I agree with this and with the advice to take each situation separately. Relationships are about more than right/wrong or winning/losing. Maybe your family will eventually develop a sense of humor about DS' grandmother, whom you all love very much, but who sure is a battle ax.