You cannot put your secret on the back of the guests -- time for you to get honest with your mom.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a nightmare, freak show, racist bigot, etcetera. She's verbally abusive to the point of fairly tale stepmother behavior, and leaves a trail of chaos and tears wherever she goes. This behavior started about ten years ago, before that she was a decent mom and a lovely woman. No idea where it's coming from but with the things she's said to me I don't have any interest in knowing. I've largely cut her out and see her, at most, once every two years for a day at someone else's house or an official function. 18 months ago I got married to the man of my dreams (of another race, as well) and two months ago our wonderful baby girl was born. My mom knows of none of this and I want to keep her in the dark. She'll be judgmental and honestly I don't want my kid to have to deal with her. I have to see her in a month at a wedding, there's no way to get around it (believe me, I've tried.) I'm considering sending out a notice to everyone at the wedding, about 150-200 people (or asking the host to do so) requesting that my family not be mentioned. Am I being crazy here? Help me. Thanks.

Don't go to the wedding or go and deal with the situation as it arises. Don't ask people to lie for you.

In any event, I just wanted to say that your mother is probably sick if this is a new(ish) behavior and she used to be a "lovely woman" 10 years ago. She probably has dementia or something similar. Cut her a break and try to help her, although there is nothing much you can do. But if she is sick, be compassionate and remember your "real mother" was a lovely woman once.

GL.

With these kind of family divides, you can't control how others interact with the person you've cut off. Some info about your life may get back to her - you can't control that. You control how to you react her, what communications you leave open (whether to take her calls, reply to emails, or to just comply block her), but you don't control others. If the only way you feel you can attend this wedding is to try to control what other people do & say to your mother, then you probably shouldn't go. You won't succeed in controlling what 150-200 people do, but you will impose on the bride & groom and taint their happiness that day.

I am guessing that you think your mother is going to find out about you at the wedding whether you attend or not. If you have some very close relatives you know are going to talk to her, I suppose it's not out of the question to personally ask them to keep your secret. But to ask the entire guest list? It will never work.

In the end, it's likely your mother is going to find out at the wedding no matter what. It might be better to mail her a letter spelling out the latest news in your life. That way, you won't be around when she loses her shit.

You can't justify it.

Whatever you want to say about your mother, by avoiding the conversation with her and dragging your entire extended family into the situation is about as drama filled and passive aggressive an act as I can imagine.

So what do you do? You tell her beforehand. PPs have offered some excellent notes you can send. Then, if you choose, you go to the wedding. It's not hard to avoid someone with 200 people around. Chat wiht her politely about the weather, or chat with aunt Mavis, make a bee line for the dessert table - do what you have to do I a polite manner to not ruin the wedding.

Just because you're going to a wedding doesn't mean she has to be a part of your child's life. If she knows about your marriage and child - so what? Get unhooked off the drama of the "dirty secret" and understand that if she knows, it changes nothing. If she says something awful to you, it changes nothing. You just continue to live your life the way you have chosen.

You also may want to look a little into your own intentions and maybe consider talking to someone about it. I have not had contact with my mother for over 29 years, but I don't go out of my way to shame her in front of family or hide my ofe from her. She's just not a part of my life. When I run into her at family functions, I greet her, smile warmly, and walk away. The rest of my family knows what she's about without anyone having to go out of their way to say so.. Why rub salt into a wound and make a palatable situation miserable for all involved?

Just don't go to the wedding. Or go and leave your family at home and completely ignore your mother. You can't send something to all the guests asking them not to mention your husband or child. They will think you are the crazy one.

OP, you are the one obsessing, to the point that you would ruin someone else's wedding. You have the option of leaving the wedding if your mother starts misbehaving. That is what a considerate guest would do. Please do not ruin someone else's wedding. If a stranger sent me an email ordering me not to talk about her marriage, I would think she needed institutionalization.

Sounds nuts. If I got a note like that from you, I'd think you lost your mind.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a nightmare, freak show, racist bigot, etcetera. She's verbally abusive to the point of fairly tale stepmother behavior, and leaves a trail of chaos and tears wherever she goes. This behavior started about ten years ago, before that she was a decent mom and a lovely woman. No idea where it's coming from but with the things she's said to me I don't have any interest in knowing. I've largely cut her out and see her, at most, once every two years for a day at someone else's house or an official function. 18 months ago I got married to the man of my dreams (of another race, as well) and two months ago our wonderful baby girl was born. My mom knows of none of this and I want to keep her in the dark. She'll be judgmental and honestly I don't want my kid to have to deal with her. I have to see her in a month at a wedding, there's no way to get around it (believe me, I've tried.) I'm considering sending out a notice to everyone at the wedding, about 150-200 people (or asking the host to do so) requesting that my family not be mentioned. Am I being crazy here? Help me. Thanks.

Last time I saw my estranged mother was at a wedding I was in. You do not have to interact with her. Whether it's a wedding or the grocery store, either situation is the same for you. You don't want to let this woman into your life and you feel no interest in sharing your life with her because of how she reacts to things. Don't go near her and if she comes to you to talk and she brings up a subject, ANY SUBJECT, you do not want to interact with her you about simply say, "I have no interest in discussing _____. Doesn't the bride look lovely/music fantastic/blah/blah/blah." If she pushes to discuss something you don't want to, then you excuse yourself and walk away.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a nightmare, freak show, racist bigot, etcetera. She's verbally abusive to the point of fairly tale stepmother behavior, and leaves a trail of chaos and tears wherever she goes. This behavior started about ten years ago, before that she was a decent mom and a lovely woman. No idea where it's coming from but with the things she's said to me I don't have any interest in knowing. I've largely cut her out and see her, at most, once every two years for a day at someone else's house or an official function. 18 months ago I got married to the man of my dreams (of another race, as well) and two months ago our wonderful baby girl was born. My mom knows of none of this and I want to keep her in the dark. She'll be judgmental and honestly I don't want my kid to have to deal with her. I have to see her in a month at a wedding, there's no way to get around it (believe me, I've tried.) I'm considering sending out a notice to everyone at the wedding, about 150-200 people (or asking the host to do so) requesting that my family not be mentioned. Am I being crazy here? Help me. Thanks.

If you do this, you will be the one leaving a trail of chaos and tears.
Your mother is planning to attend the wedding, meaning she is a desired guest and has not been blacklisted.
You have blacklisted her, not the wedding couple.
Don't go to the wedding if you can't respect their guest list would be my advice

No way to get around going to a wedding?
No way, no how. Own your part of the drama OP.
If you had the flu, your husband was In a car accident, or you had a work conference with mandatory attendance, you wouldn't go.
Unless it's in your own backyard.
You have made a choice in this as well, no matter how good of a choice it is, you still have a part in this.
Causing a ruckus at someone else's wedding is not ok

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a nightmare, freak show, racist bigot, etcetera. She's verbally abusive to the point of fairly tale stepmother behavior, and leaves a trail of chaos and tears wherever she goes. This behavior started about ten years ago, before that she was a decent mom and a lovely woman. No idea where it's coming from but with the things she's said to me I don't have any interest in knowing. I've largely cut her out and see her, at most, once every two years for a day at someone else's house or an official function. 18 months ago I got married to the man of my dreams (of another race, as well) and two months ago our wonderful baby girl was born. My mom knows of none of this and I want to keep her in the dark. She'll be judgmental and honestly I don't want my kid to have to deal with her. I have to see her in a month at a wedding, there's no way to get around it (believe me, I've tried.) I'm considering sending out a notice to everyone at the wedding, about 150-200 people (or asking the host to do so) requesting that my family not be mentioned. Am I being crazy here? Help me. Thanks.

I don't get this. Whose wedding is it?

Anonymous wrote:But wouldn't it minimize drama and attention-grabs if the mom doesn't know about her family?

Telling 150+ people to not talk about you and yours is not going to minimize anyone's drama. Also, that many people cannot keep a secret at a wedding, especially if alcohol is served.

But wouldn't it minimize drama and attention-grabs if the mom doesn't know about her family?

Yes, that's crazy. Don't do it. You're making someone else's wedding day about you and your family issues.