Anonymous
01/07/2015 13:24
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, from your experience, can you list what you think should be done to get one's house in order?
Life insurance.
LTC insurance.
Power of attorney in place so that various affairs can be handled if the person is long-term incapacitated.
Medical power of attorney and advance directive.
Home de-cluttered to the extent possible.
Will in place with designated executor.
Contact info for lawyer, doctors, financial advisor/accountant, and any other important folks such as religious advisors, long-lost relatives, etc.
Funeral wishes.
http://getyourshittogether.org/ Here is a good checklist.
I learned this the hard way when my dad was suddenly in a coma for a while. He wasn't retired and had an operating construction business. It was hell on me trying to pause work on multiple construction sites, pay his employees, deal with rented equipment, etc. all from the hospital bedside. He is divorced and my siblings are much younger, so all the responsibility fell pretty hard on me. He recovered well and it was a real reality check for all of us on what it would be like. After that experience and much pleading, he eventually yielded to my wishes that he stop denying his own mortality get his house in order. Now that I have kids of my own, I just am not able to drop everything and run to his aid. I think having kids was what made the difference-- I had to give him a reality check that I may not be able to travel and stay on-site next time. I basically pleaded with him to spare his daughter and baby/toddler grand-daughters from another stressful experience like this, because it's just too hard on us, and that got through.
Sometimes hearing it from someone their own age is really helpful. I went to my dad's best friend, who is better about this kind of thing, and asked him to have a talk with my dad, and I think that made a difference. I basically told him how hard it was and how overwhelmed I felt, and told him that he would be my #1 phone call for help sorting everything out.
I'm not OP, just to clarify.
Anonymous
01/07/2015 13:23
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
Anonymous wrote:OP, from your experience, can you list what you think should be done to get one's house in order?
Life insurance.
LTC insurance.
Power of attorney in place so that various affairs can be handled if the person is long-term incapacitated.
Medical power of attorney and advance directive.
Home de-cluttered to the extent possible.
Will in place with designated executor.
Contact info for lawyer, doctors, financial advisor/accountant, and any other important folks such as religious advisors, long-lost relatives, etc.
Funeral wishes.
http://getyourshittogether.org/ Here is a good checklist.
I learned this the hard way when my dad was suddenly in a coma for a while. He wasn't retired and had an operating construction business. It was hell on me trying to pause work on multiple construction sites, pay his employees, deal with rented equipment, etc. all from the hospital bedside. He is divorced and my siblings are much younger, so all the responsibility fell pretty hard on me. He recovered well and it was a real reality check for all of us on what it would be like. After that experience and much pleading, he eventually yielded to my wishes that he stop denying his own mortality get his house in order. Now that I have kids of my own, I just am not able to drop everything and run to his aid. I think having kids was what made the difference-- I had to give him a reality check that I may not be able to travel and stay on-site next time. I basically pleaded with him to spare his daughter and baby/toddler grand-daughters from another stressful experience like this, because it's just too hard on us, and that got through.
Sometimes hearing it from someone their own age is really helpful. I went to my dad's best friend, who is better about this kind of thing, and asked him to have a talk with my dad, and I think that made a difference. I basically told him how hard it was and how overwhelmed I felt, and told him that he would be my #1 phone call for help sorting everything out.
Anonymous
01/07/2015 12:20
Subject: Re:How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
Anonymous wrote:My in-laws, well prepared. My mom, another story. What we did do is purchase long-term care insurance for my mom through my DH's work. This gives me some piece of mind knowing that certain expenses might be covered. My challenge is that my mother is fiercely independent and says that she would rather die than live with us or in a nursing home. It may end up being less expensive for us to cover her mortgage than to refit our house anyway, but I am a bit worried about the future.
I really want to do this for my parents, through my work. They swear they have LTC ins, but shut down any conversation of "I would like to see the details b/c my offer may be better and you might do well to have a backup plan."
Was your husband able to take out the policy on your mom without her consent/knowledge? Is it even reasonable to do that?
Anonymous
01/06/2015 14:49
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
Parents and ILs have plenty of money to hire whatever help they need or go live in whatever assisted living facility they want for decades if needed. (All are in their 70s.)
ILs have extensive financial planning, BIL is their executor since he lives near them.
My parents have a will which desperately needs to be updated as they changed it some time ago to make me executrix and virtually disinherit my sibling for fear my sibling would take the money and do himself in with drugs basically. That has thankfully resolved and they need to redraft it to include my sibling again.
ILs have extensive financial planning, BIL is their executor since he lives near them.
My parents have a will which desperately needs to be updated as they changed it some time ago to make me executrix and virtually disinherit my sibling for fear my sibling would take the money and do himself in with drugs basically. That has thankfully resolved and they need to redraft it to include my sibling again.
Anonymous
01/06/2015 12:59
Subject: Re:How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
ILs are dead. MIL had things totally squared away but it still was a lot of work for DH being executor.
My parents just downsized into a home with a first-floor master bedroom, ten minutes from my brother with a goal of aging in place as long as possible. I'm assuming that all their finances are squared away, dad spent a good part of his career in the insurance industry. My brother is the executor and has power of attorney for health issues since he's the local one, so I know no details.
On the one hand, I'm kind of glad the hassle of dealing with the messy details are my brother's to worry about. OTOH, it is kind of annoying that my misogynistic father hasn't even had a single conversation with me about money, health and fiscal planning, inheritance, wishes upon death, etc. I don't even have a clue where their papers are in case for some reason my brother is not able to carry out his role as executor. Gruesome, but what if they all died in a car accident as my brother drove them somewhere? Unlikely, but possible since he's going to be the one with day-to-day elder care responsibilities. I don't even know where to look for paperwork, who their lawyer is, and so on.
My parents just downsized into a home with a first-floor master bedroom, ten minutes from my brother with a goal of aging in place as long as possible. I'm assuming that all their finances are squared away, dad spent a good part of his career in the insurance industry. My brother is the executor and has power of attorney for health issues since he's the local one, so I know no details.
On the one hand, I'm kind of glad the hassle of dealing with the messy details are my brother's to worry about. OTOH, it is kind of annoying that my misogynistic father hasn't even had a single conversation with me about money, health and fiscal planning, inheritance, wishes upon death, etc. I don't even have a clue where their papers are in case for some reason my brother is not able to carry out his role as executor. Gruesome, but what if they all died in a car accident as my brother drove them somewhere? Unlikely, but possible since he's going to be the one with day-to-day elder care responsibilities. I don't even know where to look for paperwork, who their lawyer is, and so on.
Anonymous
01/06/2015 12:17
Subject: Re:How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
12:13 here again. Oh, and in terms of getting a house in order, it would be hugely helpful for the person to have a single folder that lists all bank accounts, insurance, etc., so that they can be tracked down. We have to be careful with security, but it is a lot easier if you know that your relative as a bank account with Bank A vs. trying to figure it out. The insurance companies are supposed to track you down, but it can take months.
The other thing that is useful is to know your family member's wishes for a funeral. We lost a family member suddenly, and my siblings and I were debating what our father wanted. We really didn't know, but one sibling had a strong opinion and the other two didn't so we were able to work it out. Might not be so easy for many.
The other thing that is useful is to know your family member's wishes for a funeral. We lost a family member suddenly, and my siblings and I were debating what our father wanted. We really didn't know, but one sibling had a strong opinion and the other two didn't so we were able to work it out. Might not be so easy for many.
Anonymous
01/06/2015 12:13
Subject: Re:How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
My in-laws, well prepared. My mom, another story. What we did do is purchase long-term care insurance for my mom through my DH's work. This gives me some piece of mind knowing that certain expenses might be covered. My challenge is that my mother is fiercely independent and says that she would rather die than live with us or in a nursing home. It may end up being less expensive for us to cover her mortgage than to refit our house anyway, but I am a bit worried about the future.
Anonymous
01/05/2015 16:24
Subject: Re:How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
Just as you are asking about your parents, it is very important that parents be sure they have a will done, a trust set up as is needed so that assets can pass and avoid probate. If you have minor children that you all have established guardianship for them and/or perhaps have a trust arrangement for them. In terms of executors of your will and guardians, it is good to have at least two levels of folks who are willing to serve in those capacities because circumstances for them can suddenly change, too. Also for each of you to have a power of attorney and advanced health care directive. And again it should go one name beyond just the spouse for each other should there be a common accident and both are injured enough not to be able to make a decision on care.
In terms of finances, it is always good to look at how much term life insurance you have to be able to cover housing, child care, college etc. expenses should something happen to one or both of you, including coverage for the stay at home spouse.
Anonymous
01/05/2015 13:53
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
Anonymous wrote:OP, from your experience, can you list what you think should be done to get one's house in order?
Admittedly, I don't HAVE much experience. These cases have all been with my husband's grandparents, so I haven't been directly hands on - just have witnessed the HOURS of phone calls they have all spent to track things down. MONTHS after one death we learned of a significant amount of pension money owed to the widow. There was no long term care, and a severe case of dementia. We didn't know about one health insurance plan, which would have allowed us to use a MUCH better hospital from the get-go for brain cancer. They floundered all over the place when it was necessary to choose a live in facility. Part of it was lack of preparation, part of it was a handful of very emotional and occasionally irrational personalities trying to navigate the system on a budget.
With the situations that seemed to be more smoothly handled, wills and other estate info was available immediately at the first sign of trouble. DNR decisions were discussed and decided on quickly. Families came together (blended family) to sit down immediately to sort through and make decisions together. They have long term care and money in the bank so they had options when faced with tough choices. In one case a grandmother literally packed up her jewelry and labeled each piece with the name of who should get it and when, and made sure someone knew to carry it out.
I don't quite know where to begin myself. We are young so our wills are still rather vague. But it's a good reminder for us to make sure insurance, health, and financial is organized and accessible.
Anonymous
01/05/2015 13:07
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
OP, from your experience, can you list what you think should be done to get one's house in order?
Anonymous
01/05/2015 12:10
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
ILs - completely prepared and willing to own up to the fact that someday they might actually die, or god forbid, need help (assisted living, moving, nursing care, etc). Very open - if we ask, they explain what they have in place. Every time we've asked, the answers have reassured us. Also an extensive family support system in place on their side - we wouldn't be going through anything alone.
My parents - I believe they are financially secure, have LTC insurance, they have a will, living will/directive, and trust set up. However, they are COMPLETELY unprepared for what will happen when one or both of them require daily assistance. The thought of selling their house and moving into assisted living is laughed yet - yet they live several hours away. They care for - aka enable - a younger relative who will need extensive, extensive care and probably many lawyers when they cannot provide. I've tried to discuss this - "Mom, you realize I live too far away to take you to doctor appts every week. What's going to happen when you and Dad can't drive?" etc. Greeted by laughter and more wine. No family help either, so I will be stuck dealing with it all by myself (and DH will have to become some sort of superhero to deal with me).
My parents - I believe they are financially secure, have LTC insurance, they have a will, living will/directive, and trust set up. However, they are COMPLETELY unprepared for what will happen when one or both of them require daily assistance. The thought of selling their house and moving into assisted living is laughed yet - yet they live several hours away. They care for - aka enable - a younger relative who will need extensive, extensive care and probably many lawyers when they cannot provide. I've tried to discuss this - "Mom, you realize I live too far away to take you to doctor appts every week. What's going to happen when you and Dad can't drive?" etc. Greeted by laughter and more wine. No family help either, so I will be stuck dealing with it all by myself (and DH will have to become some sort of superhero to deal with me).
Anonymous
01/05/2015 11:38
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
I pestered my parents over two years and got them into an estate lawyer. Thank God they got everything done, from a will and trust to advanced directives. It took a lot of diplomacy but I rest easier at night and I think they do, too.
Anonymous
01/05/2015 09:34
Subject: How prepared are your parents/grandparents for the future?
My parents have planned well and have extensive long-term care insurance along with every other kind of insurance out there - my dad admits he's excessively risk averse in this area, but really fears being a burden on us in his old age. The only thing they haven't sorted out that I would like them to do is being more specific in their will about non-liquid assets that have more sentimental value; I think it would be easier if we just knew who's supposed to get what.
My ILs on the other hand have no retirement or savings. We, along with DH's sister, have purchased health insurance for them. I wish it were more organized, but that's it really.
My ILs on the other hand have no retirement or savings. We, along with DH's sister, have purchased health insurance for them. I wish it were more organized, but that's it really.