If you're resentful with a two week stay (who wouldn't be), you do THEM no favors but structuring (agreeing to) the visit this way, feeling resentful, and then (you can't help it) enjoying them less and having it negatively impact your view of them.

Take charge.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2 weeks is way too long for a visit. My IL visit threshold is around 3 or 4 days, and thankfully DH feels the same way. I find ways to get out of the house each day, and also have DH take the ILs out one night for dinner and a movie while I graciously stay home with the kids and enjoy a quiet house. Planning daytime activities for them that you don't have to/can't be involved in (oh, so sorry I can't come do that tourist thing, way too much laundry!) is also helpful for getting some quiet time.

Are your in-laws OK with that? My in-laws would take it personally if I prioritized laundry over a "family outing" during their visit. It sucks.

I think so. MIL doesn't really like me. She visits to see grandkids and her son, not me. She and DH had a falling out and she didn't visit for a couple of years, so I think she's just happy she gets to visit.

Anonymous wrote:The disrespect on this thread to your spouse's parents is breathtaking. You need to grow up.

Doormat mentality. Ugh.

How many kids and what ages?

This year due to some scheduling issues and a last minute cold, we ended up with my MIL visiting for a week through the day after Christmas and my parents visiting for a week starting Christmas Eve, so almost 2 weeks of houseguests including 2 days of both sides.

We have found with two kids that divide and conquer works. Essentially one-parent has one child with the grandparents and one parent has the other child. You can choose who gets a break from houseguests but everyone still gets to spend time with the kids/grandkids. You pitch it that you feel it is important for each child to get some one-on-one attention from grandparents and parents. So Daddy can take one child out grocery shopping while Mommy and second child stay home with the grandparent(s). We split baths to separate nights to that the grandparents could play with one child for an extra 30 minutes or so one night and then with the other child for an extra 30 minutes or so the next night (the kids typically bathe together every other night). So, the parent who needed the break got one-on-one time with the child in the bath while the other parent was with the grandparents and the other child downstairs. We had one day that Grandpa took a nap and Grandma and Daddy took the kids out to Chick-Fil-A for a snack and the indoor play area, while Mommy caught up on household chores.

Anonymous wrote:The disrespect on this thread to your spouse's parents is breathtaking. You need to grow up.

Where specifically is the OP saying she disrespects her in-laws? She's saying she doesn't like being with them.

The disrespect on this thread to your spouse's parents is breathtaking. You need to grow up.

Speaking from experience, plan a visit that's not during the holidays. You'll still have them to deal with, but at least it won't be while you're missing Christmas with your kids. You don't get these years back, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and hang out with them. You can't punish your kids by skipping holidays because you are annoyed with your in laws. Your kids are going to pick up the stress from you. Your coping mechanism is not a good one.

Most recently my in laws came for four months. I just lived my life as though they weren't there with occasion polite chatter.

OP here. Agreed- it's not a good coping mechanism. What would you suggest replace it?

W/o getting into details (I think you just have to take my word for it, that objectively some of this stuff is terrible) they annoy the absolute shit out of me solow-stress hanging out WITH them isn't that much of a possibility either.

And yes, 2-3 weeks is way too long.., but they are retired, don't understand/would be offended by the suggestion of a hotel/less time, and live far away...

PP you are responding to. During the last visit I tried to just appreciate the hilarity in their actions. (As in, who does that??) I mentally narrated a blog bost about them. Every time she said something critical to me I literally laughed as though it was a joke or pretended that I didn't hear her. I felt so much rage toward them, this is what kept me from blowing up my marriage while they were here. Also I complained constantly to my friends.

I practiced friendly passive-aggression. For example, when MIl wanted to wash a load of laundry she just dumped everything in front of the washing machine, as though I, 40 weeks pregnant, would do it for her. I went upstairs and asked if she needed help with the washing machine, maybe it wasn't working? Minor victories.

I also did whatever I was going to do regardless, even if they were in the room. I would chat with them but not engage in longer conversations. if I know more about what they do, I can give you specific tools since I have SO MUCH experience with in-laws staying in my house for ridiculous amounts of time

OP here. Thanks. For me, again, the question really is about coping techniques. I, too, had a couple "WHO DOES THAT" moments that actually cracked me up inside. But, like you, overall I do feel a fair amount of rage and poisoning of my marriage and THAT isn't helpful to me at all...

Maybe it's just a question of which coping technique is the least painful...

Yeah. Just make surey our kids don't end up as collateral damage. They'll notice that you are in a foul mood during the holidays. My dad was always in a foul mood during major family events, including weddings and family vacations. It put a damper on a lot of really good times. Also keep your self busy outside the house as much as possible so you limit time together, but don't obviously avoid them.

Can you have them come *not* during the holidays? Then at least you don't feel like you are missing Xmas with your kids (or whatever).

My only other advice is to write it all out. I have a whole folder on my work computer of MIL Rage Notes. I just open a word file and spew it all out. I normally pretend I'm writing her an email, that I clearly don't ever intend to send to her. Then I save it and don't re-read it for a long time. After a bit, it's sort of funny/interesting to look back at what was bothering me so much. Sometimes I can tell I was being bitchy or digging in about something that wasn't a big deal, and it's helpful to see that later. Or sometimes I read it and think "holy shit this woman is awful!".

Lastly: booze?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and hang out with them. You can't punish your kids by skipping holidays because you are annoyed with your in laws. Your kids are going to pick up the stress from you. Your coping mechanism is not a good one.

Most recently my in laws came for four months. I just lived my life as though they weren't there with occasion polite chatter.

OP here. Agreed- it's not a good coping mechanism. What would you suggest replace it?

W/o getting into details (I think you just have to take my word for it, that objectively some of this stuff is terrible) they annoy the absolute shit out of me solow-stress hanging out WITH them isn't that much of a possibility either.

And yes, 2-3 weeks is way too long.., but they are retired, don't understand/would be offended by the suggestion of a hotel/less time, and live far away...

PP you are responding to. During the last visit I tried to just appreciate the hilarity in their actions. (As in, who does that??) I mentally narrated a blog bost about them. Every time she said something critical to me I literally laughed as though it was a joke or pretended that I didn't hear her. I felt so much rage toward them, this is what kept me from blowing up my marriage while they were here. Also I complained constantly to my friends.

I practiced friendly passive-aggression. For example, when MIl wanted to wash a load of laundry she just dumped everything in front of the washing machine, as though I, 40 weeks pregnant, would do it for her. I went upstairs and asked if she needed help with the washing machine, maybe it wasn't working? Minor victories.

I also did whatever I was going to do regardless, even if they were in the room. I would chat with them but not engage in longer conversations. if I know more about what they do, I can give you specific tools since I have SO MUCH experience with in-laws staying in my house for ridiculous amounts of time

OP here. Thanks. For me, again, the question really is about coping techniques. I, too, had a couple "WHO DOES THAT" moments that actually cracked me up inside. But, like you, overall I do feel a fair amount of rage and poisoning of my marriage and THAT isn't helpful to me at all...

Maybe it's just a question of which coping technique is the least painful...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and hang out with them. You can't punish your kids by skipping holidays because you are annoyed with your in laws. Your kids are going to pick up the stress from you. Your coping mechanism is not a good one.

Most recently my in laws came for four months. I just lived my life as though they weren't there with occasion polite chatter.

OP here. Agreed- it's not a good coping mechanism. What would you suggest replace it?

W/o getting into details (I think you just have to take my word for it, that objectively some of this stuff is terrible) they annoy the absolute shit out of me solow-stress hanging out WITH them isn't that much of a possibility either.

And yes, 2-3 weeks is way too long.., but they are retired, don't understand/would be offended by the suggestion of a hotel/less time, and live far away...

PP you are responding to. During the last visit I tried to just appreciate the hilarity in their actions. (As in, who does that??) I mentally narrated a blog bost about them. Every time she said something critical to me I literally laughed as though it was a joke or pretended that I didn't hear her. I felt so much rage toward them, this is what kept me from blowing up my marriage while they were here. Also I complained constantly to my friends.

I practiced friendly passive-aggression. For example, when MIl wanted to wash a load of laundry she just dumped everything in front of the washing machine, as though I, 40 weeks pregnant, would do it for her. I went upstairs and asked if she needed help with the washing machine, maybe it wasn't working? Minor victories.

I also did whatever I was going to do regardless, even if they were in the room. I would chat with them but not engage in longer conversations. if I know more about what they do, I can give you specific tools since I have SO MUCH experience with in-laws staying in my house for ridiculous amounts of time

Anonymous wrote:Suck it up and hang out with them. You can't punish your kids by skipping holidays because you are annoyed with your in laws. Your kids are going to pick up the stress from you. Your coping mechanism is not a good one.

Most recently my in laws came for four months. I just lived my life as though they weren't there with occasion polite chatter.

OP here. Agreed- it's not a good coping mechanism. What would you suggest replace it?

W/o getting into details (I think you just have to take my word for it, that objectively some of this stuff is terrible) they annoy the absolute shit out of me solow-stress hanging out WITH them isn't that much of a possibility either.

And yes, 2-3 weeks is way too long.., but they are retired, don't understand/would be offended by the suggestion of a hotel/less time, and live far away...

Suck it up and hang out with them. You can't punish your kids by skipping holidays because you are annoyed with your in laws. Your kids are going to pick up the stress from you. Your coping mechanism is not a good one.

Most recently my in laws came for four months. I just lived my life as though they weren't there with occasion polite chatter.

Anonymous wrote:2 weeks is way too long for a visit. My IL visit threshold is around 3 or 4 days, and thankfully DH feels the same way. I find ways to get out of the house each day, and also have DH take the ILs out one night for dinner and a movie while I graciously stay home with the kids and enjoy a quiet house. Planning daytime activities for them that you don't have to/can't be involved in (oh, so sorry I can't come do that tourist thing, way too much laundry!) is also helpful for getting some quiet time.

Are your in-laws OK with that? My in-laws would take it personally if I prioritized laundry over a "family outing" during their visit. It sucks.

2 weeks is way too long for a visit. My IL visit threshold is around 3 or 4 days, and thankfully DH feels the same way. I find ways to get out of the house each day, and also have DH take the ILs out one night for dinner and a movie while I graciously stay home with the kids and enjoy a quiet house. Planning daytime activities for them that you don't have to/can't be involved in (oh, so sorry I can't come do that tourist thing, way too much laundry!) is also helpful for getting some quiet time.