Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:39
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Don't put so much stock in 'clicking' with someone. I'm married and I could probably click with one different person a day. You are divorced, so on some level you know there may not be just the 'one' out there. While you're looking at your phone, you could be living a life and clicking with people all over until you find someone you really like. And likes you! I think (we) women get too fixated on pinning down that one person and focusing on all our energy on them. It's like, if you just try hard enough he'll want you. Nah, don't go for someone that makes you sad when they're not around, but isn't sad not to be around you. Good luck!!
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:39
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP- this makes me ask what were the reasons for his divorce? Was he dating then too. What would his ex-wife have to say about why they divorced? This guys is showing some truly ugly things that are going to just come up later and bite you. Don't be one of "Those" women who get in a relationship and down the road when it is falling apart you look back and go "Ahhh...that really was a sign that he would do this and that". Be rid of him and be glad you dodged a bullet.
How the hell did you come to this conclusion?
He was open and honest about what he wanted. She stayed and played along.
He didn't lie to her. He didn't "cheat" on her. He didn't manipulate her.
He told her he wants to date outside of her and doesn't want a commitment. He didn't just learn that behavior yesterday. This has probably been an on going thing with him. I bet if she looked into it more she would find out he has always been like this and will never change. Your right he was up front with what he wanted so it was her choice and now she doesn't like the choice she has made and needs to dump him before she gets the big "STUPID" label stenciled on her forehead.
NP here. I'm a woman and I've only ever been in completely monogamous relationships. My marriage ended for other reasons. I am not dating yet, and have no interest in any sort of serious relationship. I may change my tune but right now my plan is to steer clear of serious relationships for a very long time and focus my energies on my kid. I'm not even looking for casual hookups right now but I expect I may be ready for that at some point in the not so distant future. It would be a first for me as I've never done casual sex.
I don't think OP's guy has done anything wrong, and I don't think you can extrapolate from his behavior a history of cheating. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to keep things casual and focus on his daughter right now. An exclusive relationship isn't just about being exclusive sexual partners. It's a major relationship that takes a lot of time and energy. He may just not want to invest that time and energy right now. It's great he is being honest with OP. Slightly lame of him to come back for one last booty call, knowing her position, but she could have said no.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:36
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
Well, there actually is an issue that should be considered a clear negative. She said she wanted one kind of relationship; he said he wanted another kind. She ended the relationship because their objectives differ. Mature way to handle the relationship issue. Instead of accepting the end, though, he re-initiated. Nothing had changed, he simply wanted to gratify his needs despite the conflict with OPs needs. Sure, he's honest about wanting what he wants. Great. Honesty is great. He's being honest about disregarding OPs needs because they don't suit his needs. That's not great.
Disregarding OP's needs....LOL....good one.
When he called her last time, she could have said no thanks. But she didn't. Ever hear of personal responsibility?
Ever hear of respect? Ever hear of kindness?
Remember, she did say no thanks. That's when respectful, kind people respond by saying okay, and then refrain from calling again. Her responsibility for her decisions does not relieve him of responsibility for his decisions.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:34
Subject: help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
OP, NEVER make a priority out of someone who considers you an option.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:32
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:As others have said, it seems to be time to move along. This man was honest with you when he said he did not want an exclusive relationship, and you were honest with him when you said you did. As hard as it was to part ways, it was the right thing to do. Him coming back into your life but still not wanting to be exclusive is pretty selfish, especially when he knows you want more than something casual. At the same time, if he came back and said "I still want to see you, but not exclusively" and you agreed, but feel bad about it, you kind of put yourself in that position. I would take this last dalliance as a bit of fun and stop seeing him, this time for good. Thank him for his time and honesty and for the fun you've had with him and wish him well. And then focus on finding great guys who do want to be in a serious relationship like you want to be in.
OP, you strike me as a smart and thoughtful woman who is very self-aware. I bet that you are exactly the type of woman many men would like to be with. Go start the new year fresh and find those great guys. The man in your life sounds attractive and fun, but he's not going to be a long term guy for you, and he has told you that straight a few times now. He's not mincing words and there is nothing to interpret other than the statement he has made. Take it at face value as hard as it is.
I have been in your shoes and know how hard it can be to make and keep these decisions, but in the long run, you will be better for it. I promise.
OP here. Thanks for this post. It is what I needed to hear. In my head I knew that I should have ignored him when he contacted me after I specifically told him I wanted to move on. I stupidly went right back to him - I did this to myself. I need to get to let him go for good again. Thanks all. I have to get out of my house (and my head) today.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:24
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:
Well, there actually is an issue that should be considered a clear negative. She said she wanted one kind of relationship; he said he wanted another kind. She ended the relationship because their objectives differ. Mature way to handle the relationship issue. Instead of accepting the end, though, he re-initiated. Nothing had changed, he simply wanted to gratify his needs despite the conflict with OPs needs. Sure, he's honest about wanting what he wants. Great. Honesty is great. He's being honest about disregarding OPs needs because they don't suit his needs. That's not great.
Disregarding OP's needs....LOL....good one.
When he called her last time, she could have said no thanks. But she didn't. Ever hear of personal responsibility?
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:21
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
As others have said, it seems to be time to move along. This man was honest with you when he said he did not want an exclusive relationship, and you were honest with him when you said you did. As hard as it was to part ways, it was the right thing to do. Him coming back into your life but still not wanting to be exclusive is pretty selfish, especially when he knows you want more than something casual. At the same time, if he came back and said "I still want to see you, but not exclusively" and you agreed, but feel bad about it, you kind of put yourself in that position. I would take this last dalliance as a bit of fun and stop seeing him, this time for good. Thank him for his time and honesty and for the fun you've had with him and wish him well. And then focus on finding great guys who do want to be in a serious relationship like you want to be in.
OP, you strike me as a smart and thoughtful woman who is very self-aware. I bet that you are exactly the type of woman many men would like to be with. Go start the new year fresh and find those great guys. The man in your life sounds attractive and fun, but he's not going to be a long term guy for you, and he has told you that straight a few times now. He's not mincing words and there is nothing to interpret other than the statement he has made. Take it at face value as hard as it is.
I have been in your shoes and know how hard it can be to make and keep these decisions, but in the long run, you will be better for it. I promise.
OP, you strike me as a smart and thoughtful woman who is very self-aware. I bet that you are exactly the type of woman many men would like to be with. Go start the new year fresh and find those great guys. The man in your life sounds attractive and fun, but he's not going to be a long term guy for you, and he has told you that straight a few times now. He's not mincing words and there is nothing to interpret other than the statement he has made. Take it at face value as hard as it is.
I have been in your shoes and know how hard it can be to make and keep these decisions, but in the long run, you will be better for it. I promise.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:20
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP- this makes me ask what were the reasons for his divorce? Was he dating then too. What would his ex-wife have to say about why they divorced? This guys is showing some truly ugly things that are going to just come up later and bite you. Don't be one of "Those" women who get in a relationship and down the road when it is falling apart you look back and go "Ahhh...that really was a sign that he would do this and that". Be rid of him and be glad you dodged a bullet.
How the hell did you come to this conclusion?
He was open and honest about what he wanted. She stayed and played along.
He didn't lie to her. He didn't "cheat" on her. He didn't manipulate her.
He told her he wants to date outside of her and doesn't want a commitment. He didn't just learn that behavior yesterday. This has probably been an on going thing with him. I bet if she looked into it more she would find out he has always been like this and will never change. Your right he was up front with what he wanted so it was her choice and now she doesn't like the choice she has made and needs to dump him before she gets the big "STUPID" label stenciled on her forehead.
You really love jumping to conclusions.
The guy is divorced and isn't trying to get in to a serious relationship.
What do you get from that? "He has probably always been this way"....."He didn't learn this behavior....".
It isn't a learned behavior. It is WHAT HE WANTS. You can't accept that can you? It has to be some sort of 'issue' with him or be looked at negatively.
Well, there actually is an issue that should be considered a clear negative. She said she wanted one kind of relationship; he said he wanted another kind. She ended the relationship because their objectives differ. Mature way to handle the relationship issue. Instead of accepting the end, though, he re-initiated. Nothing had changed, he simply wanted to gratify his needs despite the conflict with OPs needs. Sure, he's honest about wanting what he wants. Great. Honesty is great. He's being honest about disregarding OPs needs because they don't suit his needs. That's not great.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:14
Subject: help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:Take a small piece of paper. Write the word "dignity" on it. Fold it up and tuck it up your sleeve. When you feel weak throughout the day, take it out and read it. Repeat every time you feel down.
You already know this, but you just need a gentle reminder that you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. Something tells me you are a kind and sensitive person so maybe you are more susceptible to falling for a man who is nice even if he's not right for you. This guy might be a perfectly nice guy. He's honest, which is a good thing. But he's not for you. Your guy is probably out there right now with a note up his sleeve waiting for you. Just kidding but you get the idea. Take care and try to be gentle with yourself as you pull away from this unhealthy situation.
OP here. Thanks for this. I did as you suggested and wrote dignity on a piece of paper and put it in my pocket. I have been moping around the house the past few days (off of work this week) doing nothing but look at my phone - waiting for him to text. He is probably with someone else. I know the best thing for me to do is concentrate on my kids as well as start trying to date again. I have had not so great luck at online dating. I feel that it is really easy to say: go out and date again, however, in my experience it is not that easy. Its tons of work and getting to the actual date takes awhile. Ugh, I am feeling sorry for myself and I hate it.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:01
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP- this makes me ask what were the reasons for his divorce? Was he dating then too. What would his ex-wife have to say about why they divorced? This guys is showing some truly ugly things that are going to just come up later and bite you. Don't be one of "Those" women who get in a relationship and down the road when it is falling apart you look back and go "Ahhh...that really was a sign that he would do this and that". Be rid of him and be glad you dodged a bullet.
How the hell did you come to this conclusion?
He was open and honest about what he wanted. She stayed and played along.
He didn't lie to her. He didn't "cheat" on her. He didn't manipulate her.
He told her he wants to date outside of her and doesn't want a commitment. He didn't just learn that behavior yesterday. This has probably been an on going thing with him. I bet if she looked into it more she would find out he has always been like this and will never change. Your right he was up front with what he wanted so it was her choice and now she doesn't like the choice she has made and needs to dump him before she gets the big "STUPID" label stenciled on her forehead.
You really love jumping to conclusions.
The guy is divorced and isn't trying to get in to a serious relationship.
What do you get from that? "He has probably always been this way"....."He didn't learn this behavior....".
It isn't a learned behavior. It is WHAT HE WANTS. You can't accept that can you? It has to be some sort of 'issue' with him or be looked at negatively.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 13:58
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP- this makes me ask what were the reasons for his divorce? Was he dating then too. What would his ex-wife have to say about why they divorced? This guys is showing some truly ugly things that are going to just come up later and bite you. Don't be one of "Those" women who get in a relationship and down the road when it is falling apart you look back and go "Ahhh...that really was a sign that he would do this and that". Be rid of him and be glad you dodged a bullet.
How the hell did you come to this conclusion?
He was open and honest about what he wanted. She stayed and played along.
He didn't lie to her. He didn't "cheat" on her. He didn't manipulate her.
He told her he wants to date outside of her and doesn't want a commitment. He didn't just learn that behavior yesterday. This has probably been an on going thing with him. I bet if she looked into it more she would find out he has always been like this and will never change. Your right he was up front with what he wanted so it was her choice and now she doesn't like the choice she has made and needs to dump him before she gets the big "STUPID" label stenciled on her forehead.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 13:36
Subject: help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
OP, don't feel pathetic. No matter or gorgeous or wealthy, everybody has played the fool, no exception to the rule.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 13:31
Subject: help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Take a small piece of paper. Write the word "dignity" on it. Fold it up and tuck it up your sleeve. When you feel weak throughout the day, take it out and read it. Repeat every time you feel down.
You already know this, but you just need a gentle reminder that you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. Something tells me you are a kind and sensitive person so maybe you are more susceptible to falling for a man who is nice even if he's not right for you. This guy might be a perfectly nice guy. He's honest, which is a good thing. But he's not for you. Your guy is probably out there right now with a note up his sleeve waiting for you. Just kidding but you get the idea. Take care and try to be gentle with yourself as you pull away from this unhealthy situation.
You already know this, but you just need a gentle reminder that you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved. Something tells me you are a kind and sensitive person so maybe you are more susceptible to falling for a man who is nice even if he's not right for you. This guy might be a perfectly nice guy. He's honest, which is a good thing. But he's not for you. Your guy is probably out there right now with a note up his sleeve waiting for you. Just kidding but you get the idea. Take care and try to be gentle with yourself as you pull away from this unhealthy situation.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 13:21
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
Anonymous wrote:OP- this makes me ask what were the reasons for his divorce? Was he dating then too. What would his ex-wife have to say about why they divorced? This guys is showing some truly ugly things that are going to just come up later and bite you. Don't be one of "Those" women who get in a relationship and down the road when it is falling apart you look back and go "Ahhh...that really was a sign that he would do this and that". Be rid of him and be glad you dodged a bullet.
How the hell did you come to this conclusion?
He was open and honest about what he wanted. She stayed and played along.
He didn't lie to her. He didn't "cheat" on her. He didn't manipulate her.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 13:18
Subject: Re:help me move on - he is just not into me and its really killing me
OP- this makes me ask what were the reasons for his divorce? Was he dating then too. What would his ex-wife have to say about why they divorced? This guys is showing some truly ugly things that are going to just come up later and bite you. Don't be one of "Those" women who get in a relationship and down the road when it is falling apart you look back and go "Ahhh...that really was a sign that he would do this and that". Be rid of him and be glad you dodged a bullet.