Anonymous
01/06/2015 13:03
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
I struggle with this and my IL's are local. And they only come to our house because MIL is a chain smoker and we won't go there. (I won't let my asthmatic toddler go there, that is.)
I withdraw almost completely when they arrive. I go to the basement and fold laundry. I leave on short trips to run errands. I just can't stand to be around my MIL.
I think she is relieved, frankly, because she is very possessive of her son and prefers to have him and her grandson (who she calls "her baby", wev) to herself without me there as interloper. At first I would stake my ground and stay around. Now I realize that life is too short and I have better things to do with those hours.
I withdraw almost completely when they arrive. I go to the basement and fold laundry. I leave on short trips to run errands. I just can't stand to be around my MIL.
I think she is relieved, frankly, because she is very possessive of her son and prefers to have him and her grandson (who she calls "her baby", wev) to herself without me there as interloper. At first I would stake my ground and stay around. Now I realize that life is too short and I have better things to do with those hours.
Anonymous
01/05/2015 13:28
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Once my infant is no longer an infant, this is so totally my plan. Currently I don't fully trust my in-laws with the baby, but I think I'll feel better once she's a bit older. Frankly I think my MIL would be relieved if I stopped showing up. I used to skip gatherings here and there before the baby came, but now we are sort of a packaged deal. My MIL also just can't seem to get through an entire visit without making some awkward comment that's meant to make us feel bad or guilty. I will never understand how she thinks being rude to us when we come will convince us to actually come see her MORE than we already do...
Anonymous
01/03/2015 13:02
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
OP, go on an annual girls' trip when your husband takes the kids to the ILs. No apologies. Any one comments, they are greeted with silence.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 22:14
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I send my husband with kids a lot! I don't care if they offended (sometimes it was a real work conflict, sometimes I just didn't feel like travel 6 hours and come back tired from the trip). My husband mentioned one time that they are aware that I am avoiding them. I dont' really care. My kids love going to visit and I think it is very important for them to have a relations with ILs. I do visit them at least once a year and they come to visit us. No open conflicts, they just not my kind of people to spend my limited free time. I am respectful to them, I just dont enjoy their company. I understand the need of my husband to see them often. I don't see any problem with this arrangements.
You are my new role model!
I am happy it helps! Sometimes this is the only way to deal with IL and remain sain and happy!
Anonymous
01/02/2015 15:34
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
My father NEVER came along when we went to see my maternal grandparents as a kid. It was fine and normal for me as a child, and we always had a good time. It wasn't until I was older and my parents divorced that I realized it was because my dad and my mom's parents couldn't stand each other. No one ever even hinted at that, which was just the way it should have been.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 15:15
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Suck it up.
Also take some responsibility and be honest about whether or not you're contributing to the negativity and actively try to change what you can.
Also take some responsibility and be honest about whether or not you're contributing to the negativity and actively try to change what you can.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 14:41
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Anonymous wrote:I send my husband with kids a lot! I don't care if they offended (sometimes it was a real work conflict, sometimes I just didn't feel like travel 6 hours and come back tired from the trip). My husband mentioned one time that they are aware that I am avoiding them. I dont' really care. My kids love going to visit and I think it is very important for them to have a relations with ILs. I do visit them at least once a year and they come to visit us. No open conflicts, they just not my kind of people to spend my limited free time. I am respectful to them, I just dont enjoy their company. I understand the need of my husband to see them often. I don't see any problem with this arrangements.
You are my new role model!
Anonymous
01/02/2015 13:13
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
atAnonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I send my husband with kids a lot! I don't care if they offended (sometimes it was a real work conflict, sometimes I just didn't feel like travel 6 hours and come back tired from the trip). My husband mentioned one time that they are aware that I am avoiding them. I dont' really care. My kids love going to visit and I think it is very important for them to have a relations with ILs. I do visit them at least once a year and they come to visit us. No open conflicts, they just not my kind of people to spend my limited free time. I am respectful to them, I just dont enjoy their company. I understand the need of my husband to see them often. I don't see any problem with this arrangements.
+1 I could have written this. My situation is very similar.
+2
I avoid my in-laws on purpose to preserve whatever relationship is left. My kids adore their grandparents and in-laws adore them. I do not need to be part of the equation. I do not prevent them from having a relationship. And most importantly, DH is supportive of me bowing out of many activities with the in-laws. Our marriage, my sanity, and kids' relationship with their grandparents depend on this type of arrangement. I am no longer saddened by it. And I no longer feel guilt. It is what is best! Good luck OP!
+3. My in-laws are good people, inside, but it's not worth my sanity. Frankly, I don't feel like I add much when I am around, anyway, so I feel like what's the point. The one drawback is that I DO withdraw when they are around and I find it difficult to be passively participating in my own home/family (not my style). This is win-win from my perspective.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 11:15
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I send my husband with kids a lot! I don't care if they offended (sometimes it was a real work conflict, sometimes I just didn't feel like travel 6 hours and come back tired from the trip). My husband mentioned one time that they are aware that I am avoiding them. I dont' really care. My kids love going to visit and I think it is very important for them to have a relations with ILs. I do visit them at least once a year and they come to visit us. No open conflicts, they just not my kind of people to spend my limited free time. I am respectful to them, I just dont enjoy their company. I understand the need of my husband to see them often. I don't see any problem with this arrangements.
+1 I could have written this. My situation is very similar.
+2
I avoid my in-laws on purpose to preserve whatever relationship is left. My kids adore their grandparents and in-laws adore them. I do not need to be part of the equation. I do not prevent them from having a relationship. And most importantly, DH is supportive of me bowing out of many activities with the in-laws. Our marriage, my sanity, and kids' relationship with their grandparents depend on this type of arrangement. I am no longer saddened by it. And I no longer feel guilt. It is what is best! Good luck OP!
Anonymous
01/02/2015 10:40
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Anonymous wrote:I send my husband with kids a lot! I don't care if they offended (sometimes it was a real work conflict, sometimes I just didn't feel like travel 6 hours and come back tired from the trip). My husband mentioned one time that they are aware that I am avoiding them. I dont' really care. My kids love going to visit and I think it is very important for them to have a relations with ILs. I do visit them at least once a year and they come to visit us. No open conflicts, they just not my kind of people to spend my limited free time. I am respectful to them, I just dont enjoy their company. I understand the need of my husband to see them often. I don't see any problem with this arrangements.
+1 I could have written this. My situation is very similar.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 09:45
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
I send my husband with kids a lot! I don't care if they offended (sometimes it was a real work conflict, sometimes I just didn't feel like travel 6 hours and come back tired from the trip). My husband mentioned one time that they are aware that I am avoiding them. I dont' really care. My kids love going to visit and I think it is very important for them to have a relations with ILs. I do visit them at least once a year and they come to visit us. No open conflicts, they just not my kind of people to spend my limited free time. I am respectful to them, I just dont enjoy their company. I understand the need of my husband to see them often. I don't see any problem with this arrangements.
Anonymous
01/02/2015 09:37
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
I would stay at a hotel (who cares whether it offends them). That way you have some place to "go" if they start to badmouth you (kids shouldn't be hearing that - so if they do it after a warning, say, then you leave), or if you need a break ("Oops, Larla got her clothes dirty and we are out of clean ones, need to go back to the hotel for some more!") etc. Similarly, if they come to visit you, I'd have them stay in a hotel. For me and my family, at least, it puts just a tiny bit of distance between us that makes the whole thing bearable.
Anonymous
01/01/2015 22:21
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Op, there's a bigger issue here. Your kids should not hear you being bad mouthed by grandparents. It's inappripriate. DH needs to step in and tell them to watch how they talk about you in front of them. It's basic respect.
Anonymous
01/01/2015 20:14
Subject: Re:Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Thanks for the responses-they were very helpful. I think I will send a nice note but stay home and have a Netflix binge!
Anonymous
01/01/2015 20:09
Subject: Can't stand in laws but don't want distance kids from them
Op, you are being too extreme.
"Annual" is your choice. No one is forcing this event.
Why not stay in a hotel? I would do this absolutely.
You don't want to offend them, and yet dislike them so.
It's just odd.
Stay in hotel. Let husband spend more time w/them if he wants. Let the children enjoy the relatives. But absolutely go.
When you have control, you will feel more empowered.
"Annual" is your choice. No one is forcing this event.
Why not stay in a hotel? I would do this absolutely.
You don't want to offend them, and yet dislike them so.
It's just odd.
Stay in hotel. Let husband spend more time w/them if he wants. Let the children enjoy the relatives. But absolutely go.
When you have control, you will feel more empowered.