Anonymous wrote:I am 42 years old, and ever since I was a teenager, my relationship with my mother has been plagued by her “disappointment issues” with me. I was never pretty enough, thin enough, or popular enough. As an adult, I was never successful enough or wealthy enough. I have tried to gain her acceptance by working hard and striving to be all of these things, but due to bad luck and numerous setbacks that were no fault of my own, I wasn’t able to pull it off. But, that being said, I think that I am a kind, good person who has lived a good, honest life and done her best. I have a wonderful, kind husband and a beautiful three-year old DD. Nonetheless, my mother has sometimes been very critical of me and my husband because we are not wealthy yuppies living in a McMansion.

Anyway, we have had good years with my mother, but over the past year, those good moments have really decreased. Last year, we drove for over fifteen hours to be with my parents for Thanksgiving. When we were there, my mother was rude, cold, and standoffish. She seemed embarrassed that we had driven instead of flying, like that is something that only poor people do. When she actually did talk to me, she made numerous snide remarks and rubbed in my face the successes of the children of other people my parents know. Following that visit, I received a phone call from my mother in which she criticized all of my life choices and said that she “wanted better for me.” We patched things up, but I have never felt the same about her since then.

Fast forward to Christmas this year. My parents usually spend every Christmas out West with my sister and her son (my mother's favorite grandchild); they have never spent Christmas day with my DD. But, this year my Dad did not want to do that, so we were going to drive out to see them again. My mother, however, suggested that we instead all go to another relative’s house that was a shorter distance from us so that it would be more fun and we all wouldn’t “just be alone” (like them being with me, my husband, and my daughter is “being alone!”). These relatives are very wealthy, and mother adores them and everything they do. Anyway, we made the ten hour drive, and DD, who has asthma, became very sick along the way. So sick that we had to stop at an ER near my relatives’ house. When my daughter is sick, she must take medications that make her tired and ornery. So, when we arrived at the relatives’ house, DD did not want to have anything to do with anyone. Instead of being concerned about my DD’s health, my mother became miffed that she was not getting the desired response from my daughter and just froze us all out. I explained to my mother that this is how DD acts when she is sick and to not take it personally, but she was not buying it. She avoided any interaction with my DD and my DH, and even me. I tried to talk to her on numerous occasions, but she was again cold and standoffish. She would not even come into the room when my DD was opening her gifts from Santa, and she ceremoniously placed all of the gifts that were intended for me, my DH, and my DD into the room we were sleeping in. Meanwhile, she was excessively fawning over and kissing the asses of my relatives, their kids, and their grandkids (while ignoring her own grandchild!). And, she was talking glowingly about her other grandchild, my more favored sister's son.
We came back a few days ago, and I feel gutted, depressed, and unloved. I have been a good and dutiful daughter to my parents. Thoughts?

Anonymous wrote:
My goodness, OP, you need to reinvent yourself as an adult with enough self-esteem that she doesn't need to act like a doormat.

Your mother is downright abusive. You have to think and plan ahead so that you never again let yourself be put into a corner like this.

For now, do not contact her. If she contacts you, say you are deeply offended by her treatment of you, your daughter and your husband and that you refuse to be treated in this way from now on.
In the future, you can have limited contact with her, hopefully never on her own turf. No relationship is better than the one you have right now.

And never get bogged down in an argument where you will be made out to be the evil one. Say you can't talk because she's disrespectful and hang up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your relationship with your sister?

OP here. My relationship with my sister is fine, but very one-sided. She is pretty self-absorbed (she got most of the attention growing up), so most of our conversations are about her. I realize this is never going to change, so I just play along.