OP here, I'm just now seeing these responses (thanks).

I am trying to be there for the kids, and I can invite them to visit, but she doesn't have the money to pay for them to come out, and neither do I. I did spend a lot of time with them when I visited over the holidays.

I do acknowledge I did some crazy stuff when I was first divorced. But it didn't rise to this level. I found out tonight that she is on thin ice at her job (I think they are building a case to fire her), and she also said that she is taking money from this guy (and potenially other guys) because she is in financial trouble. Yet she is spending money tanning and buying cigarettes and new clothes. She gets up at 5AM to go to the gym (probably trying to lose weight for the guy), she works 8 hours, and then she goes home and says she's too tired to cook so gets take out for the kids. They are tired of it and of having to spend time with this guy.

Anyway. The upshot seems to be there's not much I can do other than be there for her and the kids, which I am and will continue to be. I need to work on controlling my impulse to tell her what to do and not to do. I am really concerned about the money issues and taking money not from us, her family, but from a man she barely knows and the implications of that. Thanks for the thoughts.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the comments. She is seeing a therapist; I have no idea how honest she is about what's going on. Basically this weekend was just one example of the behavior she's been displaying...mostly it's all just selfishness. I am hurt that we made a big effort to come spend time with her and her family and she basically ditched us all with no apologies. I understand some of it as she has finally got some freedom from her awful ex (and only a bit because she has full custody so the kids are nearly always with her). But the spending money that she doesn't have, the drinking and the potential pot use crosses the line for me. I am divorced; I went through a bit of a manic time when I was getting divorced. But I didn't have kids. The thing that bugs me is that the kids are not little and they understand what's going on. They have commented that mom never cooks any more, she has changed, she is acting weird. I guess we just have to get through this phase and hope she doesn't do anything really stupid or hurt herself in the meantime.

So you rationalize that although you did the same thing, it was okay for you but not okay for her.

Yes, her kids notice. No, the situation isn't ideal. But it doesn't sound like she's being neglectful or abusive- just not particularly attentive. You say the kids have mentioned that she doesn't cook anymore. Is she still providing groceries/money for food? If so, two teens are more than capable of cooking for themselves and helping their ten-year-old sibling eat (and the ten year old can probably make him/herself sandwiches, at least).

Just love your sister. She doesn't sound particularly out of control. It seems she's going through a tough time and making bad decisions, but we all do- even you, as you've admitted.

Can you invite the kids to come visit you for spring break, for summer breaks, for anything? Let them know you are always there for them?

Your sister sounds like she is bipolar or something similar. I guess it is either bad behavior or she is mentally ill. Still I don't think you can really help.