Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a long term thing? If your father is just staying for a month or so, I should have just cancelled the party for your son, but if this is a long term change and your father is going to live with you forever, I disagree with pp that you should teach your son priorities and cancel his party. It is a pretty big change for everyone involved but your son should be able to still have his friends over even when grandpa is sick.
But all is in the tone you say things op - you could have asked nicely to your dad to leave the couch "hey Dad, little Billy's friends are coming over to play some video games and I would like to straight out the place a little bit before they arrive. Do you mind going to the living room to watch some tv there?" Or something along those lines. You could still clean the place with Lysol, but don't need to state it.

I am in a similar situation but in a way, I think it is easier for my (young) child and for me as well since my in-law is not cognitive. But your husband went overboard with the monitor thing… you should see my house. Everyday I wake up to a little bit more of destruction. Can.not.wait.to.move.

WTF? When someone is sick, plans change. If I were sick DH wouldn't have his poker buddies over and force me to hole up in some room somewhere. His buddies could have done something else, played video games in another room, etc.

And yeah, suggesting that you have to do a deep clean makes your dad feel like a burden . Does everyone lysol their house after someone gets sick?

You are being unrealistic pp. My inlaw is ALWAYS sick at 90+. Does that mean I can never have guests over or my children can't have play dates until the end? I don't think so.

With the flu? Why wouldn't you just have your kid play video games somewhere else? Don't have to cancel a play date but at least make some accommodations within your own home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a long term thing? If your father is just staying for a month or so, I should have just cancelled the party for your son, but if this is a long term change and your father is going to live with you forever, I disagree with pp that you should teach your son priorities and cancel his party. It is a pretty big change for everyone involved but your son should be able to still have his friends over even when grandpa is sick.
But all is in the tone you say things op - you could have asked nicely to your dad to leave the couch "hey Dad, little Billy's friends are coming over to play some video games and I would like to straight out the place a little bit before they arrive. Do you mind going to the living room to watch some tv there?" Or something along those lines. You could still clean the place with Lysol, but don't need to state it.

I am in a similar situation but in a way, I think it is easier for my (young) child and for me as well since my in-law is not cognitive. But your husband went overboard with the monitor thing… you should see my house. Everyday I wake up to a little bit more of destruction. Can.not.wait.to.move.

WTF? When someone is sick, plans change. If I were sick DH wouldn't have his poker buddies over and force me to hole up in some room somewhere. His buddies could have done something else, played video games in another room, etc.

And yeah, suggesting that you have to do a deep clean makes your dad feel like a burden . Does everyone lysol their house after someone gets sick?

You are being unrealistic pp. My inlaw is ALWAYS sick at 90+. Does that mean I can never have guests over or my children can't have play dates until the end? I don't think so.

Oh my goodness, OP, I actually had tears spring to my eyes imagining hearing my elderly father cry.

My son would say that once, and only once. My disappointment in him would be immense.

You need to be bending over backwards to make changes to your situation to make your father more comfortable, some pp's had wonderful suggestions.

Hopefully you can have a heart to heart with your dad and listen to what he needs, and them follow up wirh your husband.

Good luck to you

OP - Sounds like you are trying to do your best with your Dad, but maybe you need to have a follow-up talk with DH on how things are working out from hims perspective. Given that space seems tight in your home is there any chance of getting an estimate for a downstairs bathroom even with just a stall shower which DH/DS could use if that was their choice and to get out of your Dad's space - unless there is the chance to set up a bedroom/bath for your Dad if he is mobile. It would not be out of line to ask your Dad to help pay for some of the remodeling if he has funds. DS should definitely be taught to respect one's elders, especially one who is ill. DH may be dealing with a lot of adjustment that you do not want to see......so maybe give him a bit of time to hear him out. Does your Dad have outlets with a nearby senior center to connect to others his own age and to get out of your home at times in as supervised a setting as he may need now or in the future. Aging is hard on everyone in different ways.

My son would treat my father that way once and only once.

This post breaks my heart. Your DH and DS will never make your father truly feel at home. Please find him an independent living situation.

My FIL moved in with my brother after MIL died, and the adjustment was difficult. It sounds like all of you -- including you, OP -- are making mistakes, and your father is suffering because of it.

My thoughts, based on my brother's experience:

1. Father needs his own space to relax with TV, computer, comfy chair, whatever he's used to. If you ned to buy furniture, let him pick it out. Remember Frasier's dad's crazy chair? That.

2. Father needs his own bathroom. This is just essential for an older person. My brother had his kids use the power room toilet/sink and the shower in their own master bath until they could renovate a second half-bath for FIL. Old people can't be expected to negotiate bathroom time with teenagers, that's just cruel.

3. Agree with PP about assigning permanent places for dad at the table, in front of the TV, in the car, etc. He should not be squeezing into the gaps left by your "real" family. His is part of your family now.

The crying is troubling, because it shows that he's very, very unhappy. You need to address that head on and find ways to change your life to include him in it.

Does Dad have any hobbies or skills? Can you set him up with something to do? Maybe set up a bathroom schedule for showering? I think your son needs some outdoor activities to give grandpa some space.

Poor dad. It sounds like the other people in the house need to be kinder. Does he have his own bedroom? How many bathrooms do you have? I'm sure there will be an adjustment period. I think it might get better when there is a routine but no one should be yelling at the poor guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a long term thing? If your father is just staying for a month or so, I should have just cancelled the party for your son, but if this is a long term change and your father is going to live with you forever, I disagree with pp that you should teach your son priorities and cancel his party. It is a pretty big change for everyone involved but your son should be able to still have his friends over even when grandpa is sick.
But all is in the tone you say things op - you could have asked nicely to your dad to leave the couch "hey Dad, little Billy's friends are coming over to play some video games and I would like to straight out the place a little bit before they arrive. Do you mind going to the living room to watch some tv there?" Or something along those lines. You could still clean the place with Lysol, but don't need to state it.

I am in a similar situation but in a way, I think it is easier for my (young) child and for me as well since my in-law is not cognitive. But your husband went overboard with the monitor thing… you should see my house. Everyday I wake up to a little bit more of destruction. Can.not.wait.to.move.

WTF? When someone is sick, plans change. If I were sick DH wouldn't have his poker buddies over and force me to hole up in some room somewhere. His buddies could have done something else, played video games in another room, etc.

And yeah, suggesting that you have to do a deep clean makes your dad feel like a burden . Does everyone lysol their house after someone gets sick?

1. Kid shouldn't becessarily have to adjust his plans BC granddad felt like being on the sofa if there was a bedroom he could be in. When you are sick you should be in bed not spreading germs in a living area.
2. Yeah. I totally deep ckean a room after a sick person has been there.

Kick your shitty kid and husband out

I feel so sorry for your dad. It would kill me if my awesome dad and grandfather cried.

Is there only 1 bathroom? Was your husband on board with your dad moving in? I think they need to be compassionate towards your dad and not act like rude aholes

Anonymous wrote:Is this a long term thing? If your father is just staying for a month or so, I should have just cancelled the party for your son, but if this is a long term change and your father is going to live with you forever, I disagree with pp that you should teach your son priorities and cancel his party. It is a pretty big change for everyone involved but your son should be able to still have his friends over even when grandpa is sick.
But all is in the tone you say things op - you could have asked nicely to your dad to leave the couch "hey Dad, little Billy's friends are coming over to play some video games and I would like to straight out the place a little bit before they arrive. Do you mind going to the living room to watch some tv there?" Or something along those lines. You could still clean the place with Lysol, but don't need to state it.

I am in a similar situation but in a way, I think it is easier for my (young) child and for me as well since my in-law is not cognitive. But your husband went overboard with the monitor thing… you should see my house. Everyday I wake up to a little bit more of destruction. Can.not.wait.to.move.

WTF? When someone is sick, plans change. If I were sick DH wouldn't have his poker buddies over and force me to hole up in some room somewhere. His buddies could have done something else, played video games in another room, etc.

And yeah, suggesting that you have to do a deep clean makes your dad feel like a burden . Does everyone lysol their house after someone gets sick?

Anonymous wrote:You say he isn't in the way or bothering anyone, but I think that is maybe true for you and not for your DH and DS. They are clearly bothered by his staying. Before you have a talk with your father, you should have a talk with your DH and DS and make sure to understand their feelings. Things won't get better if you don't know their true feelings.

This doesn't matter. Even if you have mxied feelings about an elderly person living in your house, you do not treat that person poorly.

DS does not get a say as to whether a grandparent moves in, FFS. I don't like it when my in-laws make their extended trips to visit us (months on end) but I would never treat them the way your family has treated your father.

If I were you, I'd have a talk w/ DH and DS and request that they both apologize to your father. Then, if possible, provide some of the items PP's have suggested like tv and/or computer, lounge chair in his bedroom. I'm sorry, this must be hard position you are in. Best wishes to you.