How long has this been going on OP? With your youngest being 9, my theory might be off - but it seems like some parents go through a kind of PTSD when the youngest hits 6 or so. They've been in hardcore parent mode during the infancy and toddler years, then something kind of breaks loose when the youngest its school age and they finally have time to breathe again. In my social circle anyway, a lot of divorces cropped up when the youngest was 6 or 7.

Another thing to look at is birth control. If she's using hormonal birth control, it might be time to ditch it. Incognita's advice was dead on -- but being more confident and getting in better shape and just generally being a more desirable man won't necessarily have a chance to work if her libido is nerfed by hormones. In my case, once I got a vasectomy and she got off the Mirena, then my going to the gym and being an attractive husband -- not just being a good Dad -- had a chance to get her excited every once in awhile.

That desperation spiral can be tough to break. She's never interested in sex. You try harder. She sees you as needy, gets less interested. You try even harder. She's still not interested. You get pissed. She gets even less interested. Now you're in a hole and it seems like there's no getting out.

Good luck.

OP, initial attraction dwindles. That's just a fact of life. People either accept it or seek sttraction elsewhere just to see it dwindle away. Decide what's important to you and pick your poison. Very few, if any, get to have it all.

I'm sorry, OP. I have four kids as well, but mine are older. I remember having less energy back in the day, and certainly my marriage with my DH (and best friend of 26 years) has had its ups and downs.

It sounds cliched, but we kept regular date nights (even when that meant watching a movie at home & eating a meal without the kids after they went to bed). As far as attractiveness goes, my DH is 51 and no longer as spry as he was decades ago (and he no longer has hair ). But when I see him doing something kind or loving, it makes my heart skip a beat.

It all sounds very fake romantic, because it's difficult to describe. I think you will be fine; just acknowledge that marriage has its stages, don't stop trying to connect, and try not to cling. Best of luck to you!

I could have written this as well. My husband betrayed me about a year ago( emotional affair & midlife crisis). As a result I have less than no interest in him. Now he is constantly "hanging on my leg" and is SOO needy it's getting repulsive.
I am trying to make this work but he fluctuates between stomping his feet like a 5 year old and the needy routine.

How has your appearance changed? If you gained a lot of weight, lost a lot of muscle, or otherwise let yourself go, maybe she's not sexually attracted to you anymore. Is it possible that's the issue for her?

(BTW, I have four kids and my relationship is solid.)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you could be my DH, except we have one kid. I love my DH as a best friend and dad to our son, but I'm no longer attracted to him. I wish I had advice for you.

What happened? Why are you no longer attracted to him?

For the first few years of marriage, he was passionate about everything. He smiled, laughed, cried with me, we talked, read books together, were super active...It was why I fell in love with him. Now, he acts old and doesn't smile much. He doesn't seem like a happy man. At the end of the day, I just don't have fun with him anymore. I wish we could get that back, because I don't see being with another man. If we were to separate, I'd probably just go it alone and find my own passions.

Is he aware that you feel this way?

How old is she? mid-40s? Labito (sp) often goes in decline for women. She might just need a little testosterone (in a pill) to perk her up. Just a little.

If OP was a woman, there would be a loud, angry chorus about marriage being "for better or worse," and OP's DH would be labeled as a betrayer. Just saying.

PP again. We still have sex regularly, but my ability to reach orgasm has nothing to do with DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like you could be my DH, except we have one kid. I love my DH as a best friend and dad to our son, but I'm no longer attracted to him. I wish I had advice for you.

What happened? Why are you no longer attracted to him?

For the first few years of marriage, he was passionate about everything. He smiled, laughed, cried with me, we talked, read books together, were super active...It was why I fell in love with him. Now, he acts old and doesn't smile much. He doesn't seem like a happy man. At the end of the day, I just don't have fun with him anymore. I wish we could get that back, because I don't see being with another man. If we were to separate, I'd probably just go it alone and find my own passions.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone goes through phases, OP. Some are hormonal, some are emotional, some are physical. No one is exactly the same through every phase of life. That's why the vow is "for better or worse" right. I've known people who could not feel sexual while mourning the death of a grandparent -- for two years. But it got better. I've known some who struggled with mid-life issues, postpartum issues, totally-focused-on job or kids issues. It got better. It sounds like you have a solid marriage and are going through a phase. Work on it and trust. The path is not a monorail; more like a hike in a virgin wood. Sometimes your paths diverge a little, sometimes you carry each other, sometimes you are lost, and sometimes you walk handing hand. I wish you well.

yes this is excellent, but how many people really believe in the 'for better or worse' 'in sickness or health' 'till death do us part' stuff anymore?

If they did, there wouldn't be so many divorces and infidelity would there?

Not sure if this really helps OP.

^^Blue Ribbon Response^^

Everyone goes through phases, OP. Some are hormonal, some are emotional, some are physical. No one is exactly the same through every phase of life. That's why the vow is "for better or worse" right. I've known people who could not feel sexual while mourning the death of a grandparent -- for two years. But it got better. I've known some who struggled with mid-life issues, postpartum issues, totally-focused-on job or kids issues. It got better. It sounds like you have a solid marriage and are going through a phase. Work on it and trust. The path is not a monorail; more like a hike in a virgin wood. Sometimes your paths diverge a little, sometimes you carry each other, sometimes you are lost, and sometimes you walk handing hand. I wish you well.

bro you gotta be more alpha. Read what Incognita wrote. She got her tingles back when her husband became more alpha.

Forget what your wife thinks. Hit the gym, flirt with other women right in front of her, do whatever you want to do when you want to do it.

Hell if you read this board often enough you see how many women 'give passes' to their DH stepping out of the marriage. I would venture that half of them get turned on in their hind brain that their husband is wanted by other women.

Get your testosterone levels check out too. You might need a supplement.

Just go real heavy compound lifts which will get more testosterone flowing, don't masturbate, and openly flirt with women to get your confidence back. And trust me, your wife will be wanting you more than ever when that happens.

Can we focus on OP's question, please?