Anonymous wrote:The house has been in my name since they bought it so it can't be taken. No siblings. Mother has two siblings near her. Yes, I think she worries about a nursing home but there are a few nice ones that accept VA residents which may cover most of the cost.

Can you take your mom to see some of these nursing homes so she would at least know a bit more about her options? If you can do that plus get her to come for a visit for just a week, she may see the wisdom of putting him in a nursing home. Or maybe she'll decide to keep handling it the way she's been handling.

Whatever the case, you can't expect her to pop back to her old self. What she's going through with your dad is really, really devastating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we live far away and if the holiday wasn't at her house then she wouldn't be able to be together with all of us. Who can you hire on Xmas Eve/day to stay w/ my father?I said hosting she didn't have to do much and I or DH could have done mostly all of it but she does stuff weeks or days in advance. We did have some food catered. Yes, early onset Alzheimer's - he's 64. It's been a year he's been bedridden. He gets VA benefits and SS disability. Their house is paid for so my mother would probably be ok financially if she decided he needs to go to a nursing home. And yes, maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed and sound like an ungrateful bitch. Only child too so this all falls on me. No siblings to support each other emotionally.

Except it doesn't, since you're far away and your mother is struggling with it. And didn't you say you had a sister?
You may soon be part of the sandwich generation if you decide to care for your parents as well your children. Then you will have my full sympathy.
In the meantime, plan for that moment rationally instead of feeling needlessly put-upon. You sound immature for your age.
I'm an only child, my parents are 64 and my entire family lives in Europe. DH and I are planning for when my parents need care.

My bad, I see you have an aunt, not a sister. However, my other comments stand. In addition, as you would know if the subject held a little more interest for you, nursing home expenses are astronomical, and the fact that your mother owns her home outright means absolutely nothing in comparison. She could very well bankrupt herself within a couple of years with such expenses.

No question the situation sucks. But what do you expect the Op to do? Move her parents out to live with her? Why do you think her mom would even go along with an idea like that? 64 is not old. Op's mom could have many healthy years left in her. Maybe Op's mom has been planning for her own retirement. Maybe Op's mom has looked at the situation with her sick husband from all angles and she is doing the best she can with a really crappy cards that she's been dealt. Plus the man is bedridden, hospice is coming in so he is at an end of life stage. So it may make little to no sense for Op to "Step In" - it really sounds as though her mom is doing a very good job even though the job she is doing is depressing as hell.

The house has been in my name since they bought it so it can't be taken. No siblings. Mother has two siblings near her. Yes, I think she worries about a nursing home but there are a few nice ones that accept VA residents which may cover most of the cost.

The house has been in my name since they bought it so it can't be taken. No siblings. Mother has two siblings near her. Yes, I think she worries about a nursing home but there are a few nice ones that accept VA residents which may cover most of the cost.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we live far away and if the holiday wasn't at her house then she wouldn't be able to be together with all of us. Who can you hire on Xmas Eve/day to stay w/ my father?I said hosting she didn't have to do much and I or DH could have done mostly all of it but she does stuff weeks or days in advance. We did have some food catered. Yes, early onset Alzheimer's - he's 64. It's been a year he's been bedridden. He gets VA benefits and SS disability. Their house is paid for so my mother would probably be ok financially if she decided he needs to go to a nursing home. And yes, maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed and sound like an ungrateful bitch. Only child too so this all falls on me. No siblings to support each other emotionally.

Except it doesn't, since you're far away and your mother is struggling with it. And didn't you say you had a sister?
You may soon be part of the sandwich generation if you decide to care for your parents as well your children. Then you will have my full sympathy.
In the meantime, plan for that moment rationally instead of feeling needlessly put-upon. You sound immature for your age.
I'm an only child, my parents are 64 and my entire family lives in Europe. DH and I are planning for when my parents need care.

OP, it is so important for you to quit gazing at your own naval and think about what is both crucial and limited now: your dad's presence on earth and your mother's struggle with the weight of that. Please don't make this about you and what you are going through. It pales in comparison to what your mom deals with 24/7. She's not thinking about the VA benefits or the house but about getting up in the morning, carign for him in the home they share. That is probably their mutual choice. Do you even know their intentions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we live far away and if the holiday wasn't at her house then she wouldn't be able to be together with all of us. Who can you hire on Xmas Eve/day to stay w/ my father?I said hosting she didn't have to do much and I or DH could have done mostly all of it but she does stuff weeks or days in advance. We did have some food catered. Yes, early onset Alzheimer's - he's 64. It's been a year he's been bedridden. He gets VA benefits and SS disability. Their house is paid for so my mother would probably be ok financially if she decided he needs to go to a nursing home. And yes, maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed and sound like an ungrateful bitch. Only child too so this all falls on me. No siblings to support each other emotionally.

Except it doesn't, since you're far away and your mother is struggling with it. And didn't you say you had a sister?
You may soon be part of the sandwich generation if you decide to care for your parents as well your children. Then you will have my full sympathy.
In the meantime, plan for that moment rationally instead of feeling needlessly put-upon. You sound immature for your age.
I'm an only child, my parents are 64 and my entire family lives in Europe. DH and I are planning for when my parents need care.

My bad, I see you have an aunt, not a sister. However, my other comments stand. In addition, as you would know if the subject held a little more interest for you, nursing home expenses are astronomical, and the fact that your mother owns her home outright means absolutely nothing in comparison. She could very well bankrupt herself within a couple of years with such expenses.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, we live far away and if the holiday wasn't at her house then she wouldn't be able to be together with all of us. Who can you hire on Xmas Eve/day to stay w/ my father?I said hosting she didn't have to do much and I or DH could have done mostly all of it but she does stuff weeks or days in advance. We did have some food catered. Yes, early onset Alzheimer's - he's 64. It's been a year he's been bedridden. He gets VA benefits and SS disability. Their house is paid for so my mother would probably be ok financially if she decided he needs to go to a nursing home. And yes, maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed and sound like an ungrateful bitch. Only child too so this all falls on me. No siblings to support each other emotionally.

Except it doesn't, since you're far away and your mother is struggling with it. And didn't you say you had a sister?
You may soon be part of the sandwich generation if you decide to care for your parents as well your children. Then you will have my full sympathy.
In the meantime, plan for that moment rationally instead of feeling needlessly put-upon. You sound immature for your age.
I'm an only child, my parents are 64 and my entire family lives in Europe. DH and I are planning for when my parents need care.

Can you hire full time care for him one week and fly your mom out to visit you? Not necessarily during the holidays as she might feel very guilty leaving him. But it sounds as though she could really use some time away just to collect her thoughts and even to get a good night's sleep.

OP here, we live far away and if the holiday wasn't at her house then she wouldn't be able to be together with all of us. Who can you hire on Xmas Eve/day to stay w/ my father?I said hosting she didn't have to do much and I or DH could have done mostly all of it but she does stuff weeks or days in advance. We did have some food catered. Yes, early onset Alzheimer's - he's 64. It's been a year he's been bedridden. He gets VA benefits and SS disability. Their house is paid for so my mother would probably be ok financially if she decided he needs to go to a nursing home. And yes, maybe I'm a bit overwhelmed and sound like an ungrateful bitch. Only child too so this all falls on me. No siblings to support each other emotionally.

Anonymous wrote:I also have a mother who won't ask for any help and then yells at you for not guessing what she wanted. Your situation is more delicate because of your ailing father.
I try to stay calm and just tell her that she should have asked(like your example of taking out the trash). If I start getting frustrated and upset it just feeds her anger. Take deep breaths and try to let it all flow over you like a pebble at the bottom of a torential river.

Good advice.

Anonymous wrote:One of the things your mom suffers fr is having an insensitive b++*ch for a daughter. Please don't visit again. Your worse than the Alzheimer's patient

You know, it's quite possible that the Op is a bit overwhelmed by this, too. In one fell swoop she has two parents who are still living but no longer "there" for her.

How old are you Op? How old are your parents? Is this early onset Alzheimer's for your dad?

One of the things your mom suffers fr is having an insensitive b++*ch for a daughter. Please don't visit again. Your worse than the Alzheimer's patient

Sorry, OP. I hate to pile on, but I have to agree with others who find your attitude problematic. Your mother is dealing with a huge burden, made clear that she can't handle additional responsibility, and yet she ended up with it anyway, and then must deal with your disappointment.
I hope you will use your sadness over how the visit went to change your own attitude and behavior for next time. Sounds like a good new year's resolution: figure out how you can better support your parents and take some burden from your mother.

^Also be prepared for your mom to say that she wants to spend the holidays with your dad and doesn't feel right leaving him. She may have a year or two where it's just her and your dad. You can stop by, say "hi", check in but if you want a celebration you'll have to find a way to make that happen for yourself. It sucks, but you can do it. I'm sorry.